Written by: Rev Kaleel Sakakeeny, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
When we’ve lost someone we love, our world has changes. Reality shifts. We are not who we were before the death.
When we lose our beloved pet (our beloved anyone), the house in which we live, is now not the same house.
There is no dog frolicking under the tree, making crazy circles.
There is no cat batting ornaments and playing with ribbons.
Our eyes and thoughts are downcast, or lost in the middle distance.
The Christmas Tree, Hanuka candles, lighted windows and shared meals are not as we remember them before she died.
This is as true for all of us who have love and lost, and achingly so during the holiday season with its good cheer and happy spirits.
The bitter-sweetness of the holiday season can be overwhelming.
Our grief and pain exile us.
Our minds drift and we can’t focus.
We are ambushed by tears, and then we feel guilt-which makes it all worse.
How can we be present
How can we be present with the people we love and the joy of the colors and laughter?
Well, don’t try.
You have the right to not attend any celebration you don’t feel up to. But that’s not always the best thing to do.
You may need a touch of those lights and laughter.
But trying to fit in, is to make it worse; pushing your natural feelings away never works.
Accept that the old normal is gone. You’re living a new normal. Accept that you are a different you. And that’s ok. It’s exactly as it should be.
No need to explain or make excuses for your feelings...
Take the time to be alone. For now, solitude is healing.
Light a candle in front of a photograph of your lost one. Talk to him or her in the quietness of your own space.
Explain how difficult it is, and let each other know how much you miss each other.
Journaling is a huge help. Writing your feelings externalizes them. and softens the pain.
Cry as long and as deeply as you need to.
But take grief breaks and join the festivities if only a little bit at a time. A hug here. A song there. A toast perhaps.
Then allow yourself to step back into the privacy of your feelings.
Get outside. Walking helps tremendously. It’s a wonderful pain reliever, and the sharpness and quiet of the fresh air give you space you need.
Think also of spending a few hours volunteering at an animal shelter or a senior home. Your heart is so open now.
Ironically, your ache opens you to the needs of others, and seniors who have lost so much in life will love your presence.
Listen to their stories.
Honor your pet’s memory by talking with the abandoned animals in your local shelter and bringing something special to the staff.
Yes, it’s painful to recall the joyful presence of your dog or cat or bunny from past holidays.
But remember, the death did not end the love or the relationship.
Self care
Feel what you feel, but take care of yourself. Stay hydrated.
Remember your grief breaks and don’t try to be to be brave.
You’re loved by your family and friends and they get it. Some do.
At the end of the season, if you happen to have a Christmas tree, plant it outside, cover it with peanut butter for the birds and squirrels. Your pet will smile.
The pain does soften is time. But never goes away.
If you need help, reach out to a grief and loss counselor, and stay connected to loving and understanding friends and family.
Let yourself hope for a future with love and acceptance.
Listen to the poet
The poetry of John O’Donohue, who died all too young, always has something to tell us about love and life.
Here he tells us, that in time “we will be able to enter the hearth of our soul where our loved one has awaited our return all the time.”
Rev Kaleel Sakakeeny, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Kaleel (Rev K) is one of the country's few ordained Animal Chaplains, nondenominational Pastoral Counselors and Credentialed Pet Loss and Grief Counselors. His work in the field of Loss and Grief, especially Pet Loss and Grief, has earned him recognition from The Washington Post, People Magazine, New York Times and other media. He is a “thought leader” in the emerging field of the animal-human bond studies, and a practicing therapist.
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