Written by: Inese Vorobjova, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
One of the reasons people feel anxious, depressed or burnout is because they struggle to say no. They put their energy into making others feel happy, while ignoring their own needs.
Many people live this way not realising the damage they are doing to themselves. Such people are often quiet and accommodating. They may look happy on the outside, but this is a pretence: inside they are anxious, worried about what people think, and afraid that others could at any moment become upset, disappointed or angry.
Living like this takes a lot of energy and, ultimately, it doesn’t work because you can never make everyone happy. You will inevitably fail to please everyone, and this can lead to self-blame and self-hatred. You start by trying to please others, but succeed only in causing yourself mental suffering.
Here are a few tips to empower you to change this anxious pattern
1. Recognise your fears
Start by identifying the fears that keep you stuck. What prevents you from saying no? Most commonly, people tend to fear rejection, conflict, being judged, being called selfish or disappointing people.
2. Ask why you keep saying yes
It is very important to know your ‘why’. Why is it important for you to say no? By saying yes to something, what are you saying no to in yourself?
3. Learn to communicate assertively
It is your responsibility to learn new ways to communicate so you can express your no and set boundaries.
4. Pause – Don’t respond immediately
When something is asked of us, we often respond immediately from a place of habit. Instead, give yourself time to think – maybe five minutes, a day, or however long you need. You don’t have to respond immediately. Take your time to consider what you really want.
5. Start small
Set yourself small challenges to help break the habit of people-pleasing. Ask for croissant in a café then change your mind at the till. Return a meal you aren’t happy with. On a car journey, ask for the music you want to listen to.
6. Find support
Changing habits can be hard. Reach out to a friend or someone who understands what you are trying to achieve. Write down some empowering quotes to uplift you when you struggle. Find things that comfort and soothe you.
7. Celebrate wins
Any win matters. In fact, there is no such thing as a ‘small’ win! Celebrating your wins will build your confidence and keep the ball rolling.
Conclusion
Your true, authentic thoughts, feelings and preferences have been waiting in a corner, hoping you will notice them. Perhaps they are starting to scream out for you to notice them.
It is normal to experience discomfort as you learn to say no. This discomfort is a sign you are leaning into something new. Your way of being in the world is not set in stone – whatever you have learned can be unlearned.
Thinking about our lives in different ways – as described above – can empower us to see ourselves and our relationships differently. And you don’t need to embark on this journey alone: it can help to seek the support of a professional with whom we can share our experiences.
Inese Vorobjova, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Inese Vorobjova is a professionally qualified BACP- registered psychotherapist and counsellor with a Diploma in Integrative Psychotherapy. Inese offers one-to-one confidential psychotherapy and runs workshops internationally online. Inese specializes in assertiveness, boundary management, communication skills, standing up for one’s needs and wants, end of relationship, other relationship issues, raising self-esteem, bereavement and loss and works with a range of issues. Inese believes that offer emotional support and non-judgement. Being able to explore the uniqueness of one’s experience at one’s own pace, feeling understood, seen and accepted can be a journey of healing and transformation.
