Jennifer Martin Rieck is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and the owner of Epijennetics Counseling & Consulting in Libertyville, Illinois. She is also the owner of and writer for epijennetics.com, a website that explores the mental shifts that lead to healthy expression of self and healthy connection to others.
Attachment styles have become a popular concept in Psychology and a way to help people make sense of the patterns of conflict or connection in their relationships. Many people relate to the notion of being anxiously attached or feeling frequently insecure in their relationships with others. Schema Therapy also makes sense of this pattern in relationships with the idea of Abandonment schema.
What is a schema?
The term “schema” is an educational term that has to do with how we learn. As we grow up and gather information from the world around us, we slowly piece together the information into blueprints for interpreting future information. As we age, we continue sorting new information through the blueprints or “schemas” we have already formed. Our schemas typically make a lot of sense in the context of our childhoods. For example, an individual who was bullied in school growing up is likely to form a strong Mistrust/Abuse schema, which causes them to believe that everyone is going to mistreat or abuse them and leads to strong feelings of mistrust in others. If not challenged, the emotional reasoning the individual does as an adult will likely prevent them from forming healthy relationships and experiencing trustworthy relationships that might challenge their schema. This cyclical reinforcement is how most Early Maladaptive Schemas (the eighteen schemas assessed for in Schema Therapy) cause long-term mental health and relationship problems. Schemas such as Abandonment schema, Mistrust/Abuse schema, and Emotional Deprivation schema, among others, all have to do with chronic feelings of being disconnected and/or rejected by others and come about due to having unmet needs for connection and acceptance during childhood. Individuals with these schemas feel that they don’t belong, can’t trust others, have difficulty forming bonds with others, etc.
What is abandonment schema?
Individuals with a high Abandonment Schema likely experienced a significant loss growing up, such as the loss of a primary giver through divorce or death. As a result, they often felt the pain of that loss and came to fear experiencing such a painful loss again. As an adult, individuals with this schema are likely to be anxious about the potential of being re-hurt in that way, leading to anxiety about connections and insecurity about the stability of their relationships. Unfortunately, core beliefs such as “everyone will leave me” often lead to strong feelings and reactivity, many times driving unwanted behavior such as clinginess or self-sabotaging behaviors like walking away from relationships to prevent the risk of being left. Someone with a high Abandonment schema might read innocuous occurrences as being evidence that they are being left. They might respond in reactive ways that are excessive, establishing meaning where it might not be. In these situations, a person might wind up being the very cause of losing people, the very thing they most want to avoid.
Healing schemas
Individuals who are interested in doing schema therapy often question how knowing their schemas will impact their mental health and help them live a more satisfying life. There are often quite a few steps involved in healing the schemas that negatively impact an individual.
The first step to doing Schema Therapy is completing a Schema Assessment. This involves reading a variety of statements and rating from 1-6 how one identifies with the statement. Once the assessment is completed, it is scored, resulting in a low, medium, high, or very high score in each of the 18 schemas.
Once the schema assessment is completed, the therapist will share the results and go over the potential formation, impact, and treatment of each schema. Exploring the potential formation of the schema through discussing the individual’s childhood helps to provide insight as to why an individual has formed the schema and offers opportunities for self-compassion and inner-child healing. It often provides clarity as to why an individual thinks, feels, and acts how they do and helps the individual understand their triggers.
Treating schemas in therapy often involves a lot of self-reflection and reality testing. For example, someone with a high dependency schema may become triggered by the thought of getting their own apartment. Yet, if they recognize what is occurring, they can pause and reality test the belief that they can’t live alone by looking at other times in their life they have accomplished things on their own once they recognize that the feelings of anxiety they are having are coming from their Dependency schema and reality test those feelings they often discover that the best next step is to prove to themselves that they can. This lessens rather than reinforces the schema.
Processing feelings in therapy is a great way to uncover schemas that are being triggered and to help individuals understand that their feelings, although valid in that their child-self experienced them, don’t need to determine their next steps. They can choose to be self-validating and comforting to their child-self while reassuring themselves that their adult self is capable, despite whatever feelings are present.
Healing abandonment schema
Individuals with a high Abandonment Schema are likely to experience anxiety that is easily triggered in relationships, causing what many refer to as an anxious attachment style. Healing an Abandonment schema is best done in the context of healthy relationships with individuals willing to be understanding and supportive during conflict and moments of high anxiety. Regardless of which schemas you identify with, the work of maturing and being healthy in relationships always involves first acknowledging your feelings and needs, exploring your triggers and reactions, owning your feelings, needs, and behaviors, and practicing healthy and vulnerable communication with others. That said, it is helpful, and often necessary, to have safe and stable individuals who are willing to talk through any misunderstandings or fears. Vulnerability involves sharing our experiences and feelings with those close to us. Vulnerability coupled with accountability with another healthy individual is often the thing that results in healing over time as trust is formed, anxious individuals are reassured, and new experiences in relationships can be had. If conversations are done correctly, when a relationship does end (even with a person with a high Abandonment schema), each person understands their role in the relationship ending. This prevents it from being attributed to a generalized core belief that “everyone always leaves in the end.” This type of ownership and accountability increases confidence and a sense of control in individuals as they own, and they play a role in whether the relationship ends or continues.
If you identify with any of these schemas commit to doing the work needed to heal your schemas. Healing your schemas will change how you act in relationships and will free you from feeling stuck in unhealthy ones. If you struggle with feelings of guilt, as most Self-Sacrificing individuals do, or shame, as most Entitled individuals do, work through these feelings in therapy. Allow the emotionally healthy individuals you have in your life to hold you accountable if you are being too forgiving or passive in your relationships or if you are being too self-absorbed and insensitive in your relationships. Continually self-affirm your feelings and perspectives without minimizing or dismissing them, and show others that you respect yourself and that you demand respect. If all else fails, make peace with walking away from unhealthy individuals. It is better to be alone and be peaceful than to walk into a relationship that is ultimately going to bring you turmoil and cause you to question yourself.
Start growing today
Processing schemas may feel overwhelming at first, but the more you understand how your schemas drive unwanted mental health symptoms and unsatisfying relationship patterns, the more motivated you will likely be to start taking steps toward change. Begin trying to understand the schema and how it prevents you from ultimately getting the life that you want. Embrace the idea of growth and start taking those courageous steps towards acting in healthier and more entitled ways. Gather support from healthy individuals in your life and from a professional if possible so that you gain outside perspective on whether you are being Self-Sacrificing. If you are in the state of Illinois or Wisconsin and would like to work together in therapy, feel free to reach out through my website. I’m rooting for you!
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Jennifer Martin Rieck, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
Jennifer Martin Rieck is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and the owner of Epijennetics Counseling & Consulting and epijennetics.com, a website that explores healthy self-expression and healthy connection to others. She specializes in working with individuals who struggle to break free from Narcissistic or Self-Sacrificing relationship patterns.
