Written by: Janey Howl, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Coping with the imminent death of a loved one. When a loved one receives a terminal diagnosis, how do you cope? The grief of anticipated loss is often even more intense than the grief of bereavement. But it is less well understood, and rarely acknowledged publicly. Consequently, anticipatory grief is a soul-searching journey for which we are ill-equipped to cope. What can you expect? How can you fortify yourself? Here are ten suggestions for solace.
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief is experienced as emotional anguish, often described as “torture” or as a long night of the soul seemingly without end. It involves fear, anxiety, and maybe depression at the imminent loss of, not just a loved one but also, an imagined future. On the surface it is deceptively similar to grief. However, it is usually distinguished by greater anger and more unpredictability in loss of emotional control. There is an expectation for you the soon-to-be-bereaved, to be strong, to disappear from “normal” life as you provide practical, physical, emotional and spiritual comfort to the loved one confronting their mortality. You instinctively know that you must disguise your anticipated loss and pain, and provide ongoing reassurance that yes you are, and will be, okay. But you most certainly are not okay. So much is written about what the person at end of life needs from loved ones. What about you? Later on, you will be offered condolences and maybe bereavement counseling: for society has a language and a process for bereavement. But unfortunately, not yet for you, the bereft about-to-be-bereaved. Hence the rise in grief coaching, a relatively new speciality that helps people cope with loss and trauma.
The three shocks of anticipatory grief
The first is rage. This is not the anger of actual bereavement, but raw, primeval, pure rage. Although it is unfamiliar, and sometimes scary, welcome it. Rage is the fire of the soul, an important source of energy for the challenges ahead. Channel rage as fuel for solace.
The second shock is sudden emotional outbursts. They will catch you, as much as others, unawares. Accept and surf the tidal waves of emotion – they go with the territory. Do not expect too much of yourself; do not judge yourself; say sorry as often and deeply as necessary; let it go.
The third shock of anticipatory grief is loneliness. You may experience intense loneliness whilst surrounded by people, often those tending to your loved one. Lonely partly because anticipatory grief is a soul journey, one for which we lack a shared language; and also, because people will disappoint you. People to whom you are close and whom you assume without question will show up for you in your time of need, will not. They may be giving you “space”, or more likely do not have the words and emotional resourcefulness to do what it takes. Take comfort though from the certain knowledge that unexpected people will come forward to provide support.
Comfort is not enough
As humans we are skilled in finding comfort where we can; work, busyness, alcohol, overeating, undereating, arms of strangers, adrenaline junkie, sloth, box binge, escapism in its myriad forms. But our usual comfort drugs of choice do not sustain us for the spiritual demands of a loved one’s passing. What is required is solace – comfort for the soul.
A quantum of solace
Solace is a strengthening by love, a fortification of the soul, for when all the tomorrows you took for granted have suddenly become finite. Solace channels rage. And hope. Solace is taking small permissions, tiny actions. A quantum is the smallest amount of solace required to sustain you through the ordeal of anticipatory grief. Just as it is the small things ‒ unexpected words of kindness, an unbidden memory, an evocative fragrance or taste, a fleeting thought or touch ‒ that will undo you, it is also small things that will sustain you. To provide yourself with solace during anticipatory grief is a commitment to living, an investment in the future that right now you can no longer imagine.
Ten suggestions for solace
This is not a recipe; simply some ingredients that have helped others to cope with anticipatory grief. Do what you can when you can. Take whatever helps and disregard the rest.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light … Always.
Cry often. When you are alone let the façade crumble and surrender to emotion. Tears are not for holding back, for storing or for saving … they are the rain that has to fall to nourish the soul. Right now.
Hold a pity party. Invite yourself. It’s a guest list of one. Me, Me, Me and only Me. A place to feel sorry for yourself, not to be brave for other people. Feel all your feelings. Allocate a STOP time and set an alarm! Repeat as required.
Read “The Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer. Read it again.
Notice nature. It has a rhythm and a beauty, a savagery all of its own.
Practice extreme gratitude. Every. Single. Day. Extreme gratitude is a practice that requires you to focus specifically on appreciation for this day, today only. It pulls your attention away from living in the remembered past or the fantasized future. It is a choice to accept your current reality without judgment or denial, freeing you to experience every precious moment of your loved one’s final countdown.
Journal. Journaling is a powerful daily practice for downloading and processing emotions, even if, or perhaps especially if, you choose never to read what you write. Remember that the healing power is in the process, not the output. Downloading the pain of anticipated grief to your journal prevents it from becoming stuck, and solidifying into suffering. Pain is necessary, suffering is optional.
Offer random acts of kindness to strangers. If your circumstances involve hospital, hospice and other caring institutions the opportunities are numerous. Otherwise get creative and begin strengthening a muscle that will benefit you in bereavement. Although the loss of profound intimacy is not easily replaced, fleeting connection with others is a source of solace in loss and grief.
When inspired to do so, send prayers to all the deities in whom the good atheist or agnostic does not believe. Silent prayers and unanswered prayers have generative power. If not a conversation with God they are always a conversation with your better self.
And make yourself one single promise: that you will show up for yourself every day, one choice at a time, with grit and with grace.
Solace for anticipatory grief
Anticipatory grief is temporary, one more life transition. On the other side of your loved one’s passing, you will be welcomed back in to society, taking your place as the recently bereaved, a new status providing acknowledgment, compassion and access to support services. But for now, in the liminal no man’s land of anticipatory grief you are largely invisible, doing the best you can with what you have. Dig deep to find fierce solace, and share your wisdom generously.
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choice by choice
Executive Coach and Business Psychologist
Janey Howl, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Janey is a transformational coach and psychologist with decades of experience in helping people to live their best lives, transitioning from ordinary to extraordinary in ways that are simple but not necessarily easy. She combines mastery of three distinct psychological disciplines – cognitive, business and health psychology – with considerable expertise as a leadership coach, corporate board room facilitator, psychometrician, and organisational consultant. Janey’s deep understanding of human potential and vulnerabilities, is enriched by curiosity; by experimentation with breathwork, meditation, horse whispering, and metaphysics; and by multiple life lessons learnt the hard way. Thousands of coaching clients across six continents and 68 countries celebrate their results and appreciate her unique, eclectic, pragmatic, and multi-faceted approach. Author of the forthcoming “Wounds into Wisdom”, Janey’s mission is empowering people to transform their lives one choice at a time.
