Brainz Magazine Exclusive Interview
As a licensed social worker and certified coach for more than 18 years, Amy Armstrong is a specialist in conflict resolution, especially within families. After 25 frustrating years in an unhappy marriage, she turned an intimidating divorce into a springboard for her innovative business — The Center for Family Resolution. She calls her work a “treasure hunt”, where deep listening and expert coaching helps clients discover both hope and new habits for resolving even the most heated challenges. Amy also offers professional training through her Center for Coach Development, a fully accredited program for professionals who want to master coaching competencies and gain global recognition. And she inspires audiences with keynote talks on setting solid boundaries, making courageous choices, and "Peacemaking from the Inside Out"
Can you tell us more about your work and how you ended up where you are today?
I remember lots of fighting growing up and feeling confused and disoriented. We had everything we needed, or so it seemed. I expected life to make more sense as I got older, and in a lot of ways, that is true. My natural curiosity and openness helped me learn a lot along the way. I noticed even when I was a little girl that people didn’t seem to understand each other, and it really broke my heart. There were frequent outbursts at home, and I remember feeling scared and misunderstood. I found that a little listening went a long way to help other people, especially my mom. I always wanted that for myself, too. I liked listening to people’s problems and had a calm, easy-going demeanor.
My older sister took charge of everything I did, and I fell into being dependent on her opinions. She was smart and adults listened to her, so it made sense for me to follow her lead. So the general theme of my childhood was I could be happy as long as I just stayed small and helped smooth things over when I could. I was a year behind my sister in school and followed her to college. I decided to become a teacher, which felt really natural for me. I believed then, and still believe to this day, that public education was the best way to holistically address children’s needs and make sure each child felt valued and capable. I graduated from Miami University of Ohio with a degree in elementary education but never did have my own classroom. My first job was teaching PC technology for a few years in the 80´s when desktop computing was just taking off. I fell in love with adult learning! Breaking down complex concepts into bite-size chunks of information, and creating an interactive environment, was so engaging for me. I thrived with the combination of performance (improv, mostly), technical information and psychology.
With the right combination of challenge and support, anyone can learn even brand-new skills that they once thought were unreachable. Once I married my on-again, off-again college boyfriend and started my family, I shifted away from teaching computing into teaching parenting with a local non-profit agency. The curriculum helped parents raise their awareness of the ways they were impacted by how they were parented. Parents learned to experiment with creating more connection with their children and depend less on yelling or physical punishment. The respect I brought into this adult classroom modeled for parents how to engage in collaborative problem-solving with everyone in the family. Students reported drastic changes in their family life, and I would smile listening to their stories of relief and delight.
As my three children grew, I was very content to work part-time and appreciated my husband’s willingness to support us financially. As an instructor and mother, I felt very confident and loved, patiently bringing information and encouragement to parents. As a wife, however, confidence completely illuded me. My husband and I maintained a status quo of family roles without ever developing close, intimate communication. It’s not that the love wasn’t there, we simply did not have the skills to express ourselves directly and honestly. Looking back, I feel sadness that we both, and our children, suffered intensely with hurt and confusion, due to our lack of insight. The distance between my husband and me led to tumultuous divorce. I realized I was going to have to support myself financially and leaped at the chance to get certified as a parent coach. With certification from The Parent Coaching Institute, I could work much more closely with each parent who wanted more practical support for daily family life. My coaching practice flourished as moms and dads found coaching could help them align their action steps with what they really wanted for their children.
I also took a deep dive into personal development, thanks to the inspiration of a close friend who helped me identify my role in the break-up with my children’s dad. She helped me muster up the courage to step into my personal power to create a better life for myself. Attending retreats, spiritual programs and engaging in coaching, I embraced the transformation from a dependent housewife to an empowered business owner. My high school friends hardly recognized me! Given my personal evolution going through a divorce, I was inspired to reach out to a local court to see if I could help other struggling parents. At that time, mediation was already a well-recognized dispute resolution program, and I engaged in a mediation apprentice program. I had found my match –helping people untangle their emotions amidst complex legal issues was intriguing and really satisfying.
Once I added mediation to my offerings for parents, I enrolled in the social work program at The Ohio State University, received my master’s degree and earned my mental health license for additional credibility working with families in the court system. After a decade of coaching, I founded The Center for Family Resolution to help other parents break free of the painful, negative interactional patterns that tore their families apart. I continued my education as a coach through a program at George Mason University which offered Leadership Coaching for Organizational Development. This training allowed me to seek my professional credentials from the International Coaching Federation, an organization that I revere highly as the gold standard for coaching. Through George Mason and many other high-level trainings, I advanced my career to include competency in trauma-informed coaching and advanced practices for working with people in high conflict. I found extensive professional support through the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts, a worldwide interdisciplinary organization dedicated to reducing family conflict.
I solicited referrals from attorneys and magistrates, asking if I could help them with some of their toughest cases where moms and dads were tangled up in court due to high conflict. My business grew very quickly, and today I enjoy having five other coaches serving clients in addition to myself. We work with folks from all over the state of Ohio and around the country who find us to be a storehouse of hope and practical skills to resolve intense family conflicts. I want all my clients to experience the confidence I had in parenting, even during tumultuous circumstances. I’ve been able to teach others the emotional management and communication skills I desperately wanted for myself when I felt scared and defeated facing the end of my relationship. It really is possible to achieve a high level of well-being even during really difficult circumstances, and The Center for Family Resolution is committed to helping everyone break free of the anxiety of conflict, and transition from chaos to calm.
How did you come up with the idea of building this kind of center?
I did not know of anyone using a coach approach to serving parents facing custody battles. One
colleague regularly refers to me as a pioneer in our field, as I have created many of the specific
interventions I use at the intersection of coaching and high conflict. Conventional therapy was the only resource I knew of for people in conflict. While I was a therapist myself, I saw how powerful coaching could be as an alternative. Coaching gives high-functioning people an opportunity for self-discovery when life (work, business, health, relationships, etc.) isn’t working the way they want it to. The coach provides a connected presence and deep support to uncover the action steps needed to create desired productive and positive experiences.
Mediation is a well-established framework for resolving conflict, and while it often helps people get out of court, it doesn’t always get to the root of the problems. The coach approach does two things - helps uncover the negative interpersonal dynamic that created the problems in the first place and gives clients agency to make lasting change. The combination of mediation and coaching gave me a solid framework of evidence-based practices from which I inspire folks to try addressing their conflicts in more responsible and creative ways. Attorneys provide a lot of support to their clients, but it comes at a cost. The attorney fees are often quite expensive, and I have seen many clients become overly dependent on their attorney’s advice beyond legal matters. Folks also need to develop resilience, reliable self-care habits, and emotional management. While therapy varies widely from one practitioner to another, it is a coach approach that can consistently empower vulnerable people to gain confidence in their own ability to make decisions.
The coach shares valuable observations and insightful feedback to evoke self-awareness, often breaking through generational patterns of dysfunction. Clients see themselves and their situation from a new perspective and take important action steps toward their goals. My heart goes out to folks in custody battles, feeling threatened to lose time with their children, seeing their reputation diminished, and wondering how to finance their future in addition to losing their partner. Attorneys, especially guardians ad litem, gave me encouraging feedback right from the start. They appreciate seeing cases settled with creative outcomes to help parents get their children out of the middle of the conflict. Parents report time after time, “I wish we had you working with our family five years ago!” They say their communication gets much better and their stress is greatly reduced.
What would you like to achieve for yourself and your business in the future?
I’m launching programs to take what I have learned about personal and professional development and all layers of conflict resolution to other platforms outside of courts. One primary focus of my business growth is providing coach training and accreditation so other professionals embrace the transformational influence of coaching. Professional coaches help people create meaningful, sustainable change in every arena – workplace, communities, and at home.
In 2020 I started a virtual training company, The Center for Coach Development, and currently offer two 5-month training cohorts per year. This program meets and exceeds the training requirements for professionals seeking their coach credentials with the International Coaching Federation (ICF). ICF sets a very high bar for high-quality, transformational coaching backed by a strict code of ethics. ICF sets a very high bar for high-quality, transformational coaching backed by a strict code of ethics. Anyone can call themselves a coach. However, ICF-credentialed coaches are professionals who have met specific stringent education and experience requirements and have demonstrated a thorough understanding of the coaching competencies that set the standard for the profession of coaching. Plus, being part of the ICF family provides global networking and engagement opportunities. The Center for Coach Development is successful because students engage in being coached as well as practicing the competencies to coach others. It is truly a development program, as participants mindfully embrace their own personal growth. Class members regularly share they had no idea they would develop so extensively as people as well as professionals within this program.
The other focus of my business growth is my coaching CARE groups. CARE stands for calm, accepting, responsible, and empowered – the path to lasting change and personal peace. I offer an especially unique video course and group for parents who struggle with difficult co-parents. It is so easy for people to get trapped into thinking the other person has to change in order for circumstances to improve. Many of my clients get the support they need through the CARE groups to restore their health and well-being, get out of under-controlling relationships, and get their children out of the middle of intense adult conflict, even amidst external turmoil. I’ll continue spreading the message about coaching as dispute resolution both in and out of the court system. I love speaking at conferences and events to inspire audiences to stop giving their power away with ineffective communication or out-of-control emotions. All of us can break free of the anxiety of conflict and embrace the self-care habits that keep us calm, confident, and connected.
Recently I have started sharing conflict resolution skills with administrators, teachers and parents in New York City schools, thanks to the thriving educational technology startup, Robin. I’d like to be a trusted resource for Boards of Education around the country facing heated demands from parents and teachers regarding curriculum and policy decisions. The conflict in school systems is distracting from the energy needed to care for children and young people in developmentally appropriate learning environments. It would be a hallmark of my career to help bring inspiration, healing, and conflict-resolution practices to these vital and influential settings.
What in your daily work inspires you?
I notice two main areas of inspiration. One is the innovation that comes from synthesizing my learning into mental models. I read a lot of inspirational books on spirituality, psychology, and personal growth. I especially like Gabor Mate’s new book, The Myth of Normal, and follow Dan Siegel, Tara Brach, and Rick Hanson’s work on the brain and nervous system. Classics by Emmet Fox are go-to favorites. One of my coaches, Marietta Vis, has introduced me to the world of somatic experiencing which has made an enormous impact on my personal experiences and professional coaching. I use everything I learn to create mental models that support my work with clients. The mental models help organize and simplify complex thinking into a practical, accessible format.
My second major source of inspiration is working closely with the students in my coach training cohort or connecting with other coaches. Watching them coach inspires me to keep a fresh perspective on the power of coaching. Some of the most invigorating work I do involves bringing 2 or 3 coaches together on a team to work with a family in intense conflict. We can provide extensive support to each person, then come together and model how to manage multiple perspectives on a perceived problem. I call it working in the gap – this space between perspectives, rather than valuing one perspective more than another.
Is there something special that keeps you motivated?
I like creating models of learning that help professionals and clients break dysfunctional generational patterns. Going back to my early days learning to teach, it’s about taking complex concepts and breaking them down into digestible bites that help create new behaviors. The definition of transformation is the change in perspective that results in a change in behavior. I like to see how my work can translate into concrete change to relieve suffering – emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Many of the families I work with report generations of abuse, abandonment, or other forms of victimization, and through coaching these patterns end. Clients see that they can choose how they want to feel, think, and behave to create fulfilling lives they truly want.
Have you encountered any major challenges during your journey and how have these
affected you?
Yes and no. Once I learned to visualize what I wanted for myself and my business, things have fallen into place pretty smoothly. That is much easier to say looking back over the 18 years since I first started my own coaching practice. The need for services in my niche is so high, and I was able to start coaching and revising my process continuously. I have tremendous support from the legal community that has embraced my change model for domestic court issues. Throughout my business growth, though, I had major challenges prioritizing the many projects I start. I get very excited about new research or a new model I am creating, then allow myself to get distracted with yet another new idea. When I started writing Real-Time Parenting: Choose Your Action Steps for the Present Moment with my parent coach colleagues Beth Miller and Mary Funari, we delved so deeply into the points we wanted to make that we spent days, weeks, and years revising our content and applying it to our own lives before publishing this first book. We are thrilled with the result, and I appreciate our perseverance in putting our most helpful information and parenting advice into one resource for parents.
Also, navigating all the self-doubt that goes along with being an entrepreneur has rocked me quite a few times. Now, I use self-doubt as a starting over point, rebuilding my confidence and integrity literally every day. I appreciate the concept of being a generous, humble, present leader. My failures come when I get ahead of myself, rather than simply focusing on being the person I want to be today. I go back to my origins of being a calm presence for others, and my self-doubt fades. One more concrete challenge for me is to discern how much money to invest in trainings, mastermind groups, and business services. I appreciate the saying that it takes money to make money, but I have often felt overwhelmed by all the costs of doing business. I have spent a lot of money learning more about sales, marketing, business strategy, and self-promotion. I don’t regret any of the money I have spent, but I can still feel the pit in my stomach remembering how often I felt I was stretching myself too far financially. I accept that I have made financial mistakes and try to integrate them as part of the learning process.
What makes you feel ‘out of your comfort zone?’ How do you handle these types of
situations?
I appreciate this question. If I am not out of my comfort zone, I get a little bored. I like pushing myself to try out new ideas and speak in new venues. I trust myself to navigate novel experiences and find it engaging to connect with people from different backgrounds. Traveling to the Bronx for my first engagements with Robin, and speaking on the TEDx stage in 2022 are examples of new experiences that were definitely out of my comfort zone, and very welcome. I love the thrill of winning over a crowd and testing out my ideas. It’s fascinating to see what resonates with people and what brings value to their day. What really gets me out of my comfort zone is working with people – colleagues or clients – who impose a one-size-fits-all approach to others. The joy in life for me is growing and learning; yet some people behave as if they have arrived at all the answers they will ever need. One thing I have been working on recently is the patience to stay present longer before judging a situation as uninspiring. It’s amazing to notice more and more of what is there to learn, rather than shutting off to what others may have to offer below the surface.
So, what’s the next big goal or project for The Center for Family Resolution?
This fall I am doing my first international work, at a professional retreat in Thailand with Nim Stant of Go All In Media. I’ll be providing three empowerment workshops that I know will make a big impact on the participants. Also, I’m getting ready to publish my second book, The Conflict Cure. It’s about being your own peacekeeper in a chaotic world. I’m really enjoying working on this with some colleagues and diving into how we can set “pro-me, not anti-you” boundaries. We really can stay above the fray by focusing on our own empowerment, rather than bringing others down. I’m excited to share this work and speak to the 3 problems I address most often – how to create boundaries without drama, how to stop giving power away in difficult circumstances, and how to reduce the anxiety around conflict. People universally want to feel calm, confident, and connected, and The Conflict Cure is just that – the remedy to keep chaos from stripping away our peace. I share the skills and inspiration to navigate negative emotions, change old habits, and break free from emotional turmoil and over-dependence on circumstances.
My book is about navigating conflict in positive, YES energy that leads to optimal results. In closing, I’d like readers to remember that we all long for peace. Tension leaves us feeling disconnected, and we often behave in negative ways that do not help us get our needs met. We can all relate to the anxiety that goes along with conflict. We often feel out of control as we defend, blame, and react to what is happening around us. Learning to responsibly set firm boundaries helps us step into personal power, courageously face divisiveness and friction head-on, and restore peace in our hearts and world.
For more info, visit The Center For Coach Development and The Center for Family Resolution!
