Written by: Dani Bultitude, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental difference in brain structure which is largely an inherited condition. Statistics worldwide have indicated that ADHD affects mainly males, and it was believed that it only affected children; that as adults we ‘grow out of it’. These previously reported ‘facts’ are now being disproven, with current studies suggesting that ADHD diagnoses in girls is often missed due to a number of biases relative to expected behavioural norms in children. There are growing numbers of adults now being diagnosed, many of them women in their 30's and 40's. A time of life for many when the combined load of paid, unpaid work and the role of primary parent, creates an unsustainable situation.
How many hours a day do women work between these commitments while their children are young? Approximately 16hrs a day. An 80-hr week. That sounds totally doable, notwithstanding the requirement to be virtuously patient and flawlessly emotionally regulated to remain calm in the storm of a 4-year old’s tantrum. The patriarchy usually reveres someone who works those hours (a dedicated senior executive perhaps) and pays them a shit tonne of money. It calls the rest of us a working parent and takes a hefty chunk of our take home pay in childcare fees for the privilege of allowing us to ‘choose’ to work.
ADHD remains under diagnosed in women and girls. Many ‘experts’ still seem to think that this is because ADHD is more highly correlated with being male. What we know is that kids are more likely to be identified and diagnosed at a younger age if they present with externalised symptoms, such as hyperactivity, which disrupt the classroom. Kids who do not present in this way are likely to go under the radar. This tends to be the majority of girls with ADHD. In women, ADHD symptoms tend to manifest in correlation with hormonal changes. This means that they are either likely to be diagnosed around age 12 (after the start of menstruation), in their 30’s – 40’s (due to hormonal fluctuations post childbirth plus the pressures outlined above) or in their 40’s - 50’s as they move into perimenopause / menopause. The signs of ADHD in younger girls comprise a range of symptoms not considered holistically, with many being internalised which do not cause outward problems for other people. However, these symptoms may manifest in challenges with anxiety, depression or risk-taking behaviours in adolescence such as alcohol use, or rebellious behaviours at school. These activities will be identified as a problem, and the underlying cause will be overlooked. Hence contributing to inaccurate statistics relative to gender.
ADHD is experienced by many as not a deficit of attention (which is why attention-deficit- hyperactivity-disorder is such a misnomer and you’ll see I don’t use it across my business), but rather an abundance of attention or strong emotion that has some trouble being regulated. If you have a predominantly hyperactive ADHD type, you can see and know ALL OF THE THINGS that need to be done, but you cannot possibly do them all. If you have a predominantly inattentive type, you may not actually notice the things that need to be done.
Your brain effectively ‘blocks’ them out, as a coping strategy of sorts. If you have a combined type ADHD there is usually a push- pull scenario of a mix of these. Centrally the symptoms of ADHD derive from the challenges of not possessing an effective operating system via dopamine and norepinephrine neurotransmitters working the way they should. Let’s just say at times, things can get a little out of whack.
Here is an inside scoop into a mother’s experience with ADHD
When faced with literally 100 things on the to-do list, it can be difficult to figure out a way to do them all or prioritise which is most important, or urgent. You try to do a bit of all of them (wasn’t multitasking a valued skill in the 90’s?) which leads to 85 things getting half done, and you forgetting what you started and what you didn’t. Which makes you feel like you’re either a, losing your memory or b, losing your mind. When another kid asks mum “where is my thing?” and you literally try not to lose your shit.
After a while the thoughts of "what's wrong with me? Why can’t I do this?" grow. You are sleep deprived from the demands of attending to small children throughout the night. You carry the mental load of scheduling not only yourself, but every other member of the household. Is it a green day at daycare? Jeans for genes day? Yellow day? What the fuck is yellow day?! Did your high schooler get their 3D interpretation of an Australian artwork started that is due tomorrow? No? You need what? Clay? Plaster? Sure, ok let’s figure out where we buy that during my lunch ‘break’ today and yes, I’ll help you build it after dinner tonight...
You finish work and race to pick up the kids before after school care closes and they call child services because you are always the last one picking up. Your partner rings to inform you of an urgent deadline and they will be home late. The kitchen floor is so dirty you hope your mother doesn’t pop in and see what a failure you are at domestics. You need your car serviced, but last time you did that the mechanic couldn’t help himself but pass judgement on fact you are ‘not looking after your car properly’. Dude – that’s why I bring it to you; surely the engine won’t stop if the outside isn’t washed and it’s full of crackers? Then you end up losing it in a puddle of tears by the 6th time someone yells ‘muuum, I’m HUNGRY!!’ that evening precisely 2 minutes after eating their last snack while you’re trying to cook dinner.
Inevitably this goes on and on and these women drop down or out of the workforce to try to cope. Maybe they take the part time role that isn’t the management role they used to love, that pays a lot less than they used to make, because that’s what is expected that mothers do to manage all of this. Which somehow makes them feel even worse because they are reporting to someone with less experience than they have, who happens to be a bit of an idiot and the sheer stress of the under stimulation and frustration somehow makes throwing the computer out the window to get some damn natural air flow into the office a viable consideration.
But the part time job doesn’t actually help. For many mid-career professionals, dropping down to 2 or 3 days a week is terribly unsatisfying. Professional standing is lost, along with their seniority. The extra hours now not at work are spent doing more ‘stuff’ at home that generates no dopamine hit. I don’t know about you, but I get no sense of satisfaction in getting all the washing done. I love my kids TO BITS, but I am a better parent when I am happy. This is not necessarily correlated to when I have oodles of time to do craft with them. OMG I am so bad at craft. I seriously would rather burn the house down than attempt to clean up the bloody glitter for the next 6 months after making a mind jar. Which ironically is supposed to be a mindful strategy for inner calm.
Maybe in a flurry of frustration or despair they quit or feel so tired they think they must have a serious disease, and front up to their GP because they feel they are failing at life. Inevitably the GP unfortunately misses the signs of overwhelm, dysregulation, challenges with organisation, and burn out, and prescribes an anti-depressant. They walk away feeling a little confused, thinking “but I don’t feel depressed…. but maybe I am?” The anti-depressant helps for a while by kind of lowering the intensity of everything; but given they weren’t actually depressed to start with, inevitably doesn’t solve the issue they are facing.
When things continue and they still don’t feel any better, they take themselves off to therapy. Their mood is up and down. They are irritated, frustrated, impatient and chronically stressed. PMS is a next level horror show. If they are lucky, they will encounter a professional who understands how ADHD presents in women; or usually they will see an Instagram meme or a TikTok video (seriously) and start going down a rabbit hole of research and realize….”bloody hell, this is my life. How did I not know about this?”
Feminist perspective needs to influence the narrative about ADHD. Having some sort of innate ability to juggle all of the things is presumed in many a household to be part and parcel of being female. So much so that one day many of us wake up and go: hang on, we never actually discussed this. Why are all of these domestic tasks mine? What about my career? The psychological burden of the invisible mental load is enormous for many women. It is the thing that fuels relationships to break, particularly when one party carries it, and the other does not understand the extent of what it even is.
ADHD medication is a wonderful thing, and it helps a great many people feel calm, achieve clarity out of the fog, and feel focused for the first time. It assists with managing to regulate emotions, attention, and over time, assists ADHDers to develop increased insight and awareness into ourselves, our thoughts and behaviours. There is a reason we’re a bit quirky, hey? Cool. It is only one part of the puzzle, however. Counselling supports a framing of identity; unpacking fixed and persistent believes about our worth and capacity; that an ADHD diagnosis is a bloody wonderfully helpful thing when you lived a life not knowing why you felt different.
Coaching strategies can help with task initiation, completion, organisation, creating external structures, and prioritising what you need to do and when. This is all very important. You also need to eat well, exercise, get enough sleep and do things that bring you joy. But a big part of this is making choices about your lifestyle. Otherwise, all we have succeeded in doing is taking a big, long list of things you were struggling to do, and then added a bunch more stuff to do that list. Not actually all that helpful, particularly if you tend to over function. Or under function. Which covers basically everyone with ADHD into those two categories.
What we are looking for is balance. An equilibrium of sorts. Yes, a little bit of Zen. I’m not a very Zen-like person. I like to punch things which helps me feel calm (don’t worry, just a bag). We are all a work in progress. NO ONE CAN DO IT ALL. The people you watch and think ‘well, she’s got it together’ likely have a nanny, a cleaner, a personal trainer, and a housekeeper. Women in previous generations were expected to leave the workforce to allow them enough time to be the primary parent and manage a household. It was a completely shithouse way to manage the societal inequalities that manifested through choosing to procreate. I still don’t understand why in the 1950’s women were expected to leave the workforce when they got married. Like being married is a thing that you can do instead of having a job. But that’s the point. They didn’t get to choose! It was the outspoken, pain in the arse feminist who shunned the status quo by saying “actually, no…. that all sounds a bit fucked up and I’m going to do it differently thank you very much”. And the partners who loved them more for it, and said: “hell yeah, what she said” and then took their turn staying home with the babies and vacuuming the lounge.
Many of us can’t afford to outsource all those things – life goals. But maybe it’s not that you can’t afford to; it’s the guilt and self-judgement you carry about choosing to. You may feel it’s privileged, or that you have failed because if you admit needing to. This is not helpful, ban any sentence including the work ‘should’. Taking your power back as a woman in midlife creates a legacy of change for future generations. By actively choosing how many of the things you can realistically do (and want to do), and which things you need to delegate (to someone else) to outsource (by paying someone else) can allow you to start to simplify your life. A little bit anyway. Too simple and us ADHDers would get bored.
For many neuro-divergent women, we have neuro-divergent partners; we have fabulous neuro-divergent children. They need our energy, our advocacy, and our commitment to parenting in ways that grow confidence, self-esteem, and connectedness so they can flourish. As parents we need to model learnings about relationships, about life, about communication, about love. Our relationships and families tend to need a lot of ongoing work and energy to meet everybody’s needs. I am very much actively trying to grow my tribe into next generation feminist thinkers; our kids are watching and observing everything we do. We can’t say one thing and do another, because what we do goes a lot further than what we say.
So stop worrying about what you ‘should‘ be doing, and start thinking about what will work for you. What do you value? What is most important? What is getting in the way of living the way you need to, in alignment with your values? This is how we guide ourselves through the changes we need to make, because it is intrinsically connected to what we genuinely care about. It is likely that the feminist politics regarding the nature of domestic life are alive and well in your home, and in addressing the impact of ADHD effectively women need to call this shit out. Many clients I work with are drowning in domestic tasks, without critically evaluating why it is all their responsibility. I encourage you to reflect, challenge and raise the issues relevant to your circumstances in support of your own wellbeing.
Signing off for now.
Yours in ADHD life.
Dani
Dani Bultitude, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dani is the CEO and Founder of The Divergent Edge: an innovative and unique service providing support to adults with ADHD. Through the utilisation of telehealth, access is available to the services of The Divergent Edge across Australia.
With a background in Social Work for over 20 years, Dani thrives on diversity and challenge and has worked in a variety of roles across community services, mental health, disability and education; including counsellor, mentor, trainer, clinical supervisor, and is an experienced manager and leader.
Dani has a vision to facilitate opportunities for positive change; through being prepared to be authentic, honest, and outspoken about both the benefits and challenges of being neuro-divergent. The Divergent Edge promotes and embraces their clients to channel their energies into areas of likely success; where they may have an ‘edge’, while providing support and practical assistance to overcome challenges.
Dani was diagnosed with ADHD (Predominantly hyperactive type) as an adult, which she experienced as a life changing opportunity to both understand and finally be herself. She also finally realised that building her own organisation was the thing that she was meant to do.
Dani’s Edge is her capacity to see the big picture and think strategically, through a heightened ability for abstract reasoning: or you could say, making sense of things that at first glance don’t seem connected! She is passionate about the development of psychologically safe workplaces, personal and systemic leadership, and seeking opportunities to push the boundaries of what’s possible to create meaningful change.
