Written by: Heidi Dulebohn, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
It's a universal aspiration; we want our children to become successful, happy people. But, did you know that by teaching kids to be kind and caring, we can help ensure our dreams for them come true?
When you think about it, raising kind children is rooted in good manners. Etiquette, at its core, is about being kind, considerate, and treating others the way you want others to treat you—it's that simple.
If you were taught as a child to be a kind and caring person, research says you probably made good grades, are enjoying a successful career, and are a happy person--three good reasons to teach children to be kind and caring, and there's research to back it up.
Harvard's Graduate School of Education research reveals that empathetic people will be more successful, happier and will build solid, lasting relationships throughout their lives. Other studies show that kind kids do better in school.
So, if raising kids to be kind people is a no-brainer--then why is everyone so rude and hostile lately?
Recent news reports are chock full of stories about bad actors wildly misbehaving on planes, in record numbers. Disgruntled people are shouting obscenities at salespeople, Uber drivers, and at school board meetings. There are even reports of restaurants closing for a few days to let customers "cool off". We are emerging from the pandemic, not kind, but angry and rude.
What's happened?
Well, somewhere along the way, we've forgotten our early lessons, and it's become all about me.
How can I worry about you when it's all about me? A Harvard survey of 10,000 middle and high school students in the US shows that 80% of youth ranked personal, high achievement, or happiness (feeling good) above caring for others—which was ranked top by only 20%. Some students wrote that self-interest is above everything else. Yes, of course, we need to be kind to ourselves, to put our masks on first, but we still are responsible for putting masks on those who need help. It seems that increasingly, we only care about our masks.
Narcissism is on the rise at a concerning level among college students, according to Twenge and Campbell in their book, The Narcissistic Epidemic. We're taught early on that we can do anything, that we are "special"--indeed you are, but we still need to act respectfully and mind our manners. Narcissistic people care more about themselves and can exhibit aggressive behavior, even violence in some cases, to get what they want at any cost. Perhaps our inflated egos and "unrealistic overconfidence" have helped us lose our sense of civility and our empathy.
In a 2010 University of Michigan study, researcher Sara Konrath revealed that college students were 40% less empathetic than in the 1970s and '80s. Students can see someone needs help, and some think they should get help, but they don't feel it's their responsibility to offer assistance.
Over a decade has elapsed since the study. In a recent interview with the American Psychological Association, titled, "Episode 95 – The Decline of Empathy and the Rise of Narcissism" Konrath opines that while the jury is out as she works on her next book, it's likely that empathy remains on a decline while narcissism is undoubtedly on the rise.
We need to channel our inner child and revisit our early lessons to be kind, caring, and patient.
As is often the case, to make real change, start with the children. Don't just talk; model the behavior you want your children to adopt—they're watching and learning from you by example. Become your child's best role model. Right now, we are all stressed, but we need to engage our emotional intelligence and control our emotions--acknowledge triggers, and calm down, especially in front of the children.
Create opportunities for children to practice what you preach. Take them with you to volunteer and give them the chance to help others. Encourage and commend good behavior like caring about others, in addition to the usual achievements like academics and athletics. Make mealtime quality time and ask, "What did you do today to help someone else?" Relinquish the misconception that kindness is a weakness. Successful people are also kind--being kind is being strong.
So the case is made; we're out of control at the moment, but it’s possible to find our way back to our good manners through modeling and teaching kindness. Embrace the importance of teaching kindness to children, so they don't grow up to lose it in a Trader Joe's--live-streamed around the globe and instead, become intelligent, successful, happy adults.
Three good reasons to teach children to be kind and caring:
1. Make better grades in school.
Kind children do better in school than their bully counterpoints. Studies show that kids who are "prosocial," meaning they behave in a kind and courteous manner toward others, make better grades in school. There may be several reasons why kinder kids do better in school. Perhaps, they garner more attention from the teacher, and students helping other students reinforces the lessons.
University of Wisconsin-Madison researchers initiated a 12-week program for 4 and 5-year-olds in a local school called "Kindness Curriculum" based on adult mindfulness-based practices and modified for children to promote social, emotional, and academic skills. The study found that kids in the program performed better academically and "showed greater improvements in areas that predict future success" than nonparticipants.
Teaching kids to be kind and generous can change the course of life. A study conducted in the UK and published in the flagship journal Child Development reveals kindness and generosity can help all children do well in school, even those from disadvantaged neighborhoods; "Prosocial behavior may mitigate academic risk across early childhood." This needs widespread exploration in the hopes that kindness can fill gaps.
2. Be more successful in their careers.
Kind people are attractive, and people naturally gravitate to them. Employees will work hard and go beyond expectations when they feel valued, respected, and treated fairly. There is a war on talent right now, and leading with kindness can be what sets you apart and helps you retain and attract top talent.
Ester Wojcicki, best-selling author of How to Raise Successful People, and mother of an exceptionally successful family, describes traits necessary to raise successful children in Forbes: trust, respect, independence, collaboration, and most important of all, kindness. Being kind to yourself and others will set you on your way to a successful life.
3. Be a Happier Person.
The simple act of being kind is shown to make you happy, and happy people are healthier people. Save yourself a trip to the doctor, and try being kind.
Kindness improves your mood and self-esteem and lowers your blood pressure and cortisol. Kindness is your new, natural stress reliever because it changes your brain chemistry. Kindness increases your neurotransmitters of serotonin and dopamine to give you a "helpers high." In pain? Being kind can release the body's natural pain killer, endorphins.
We have the opportunity to change our current muddled climate. It starts with us becoming the people our children think we are and raising our children to be kind, considerate people.
So, "Teach your children well," thank you, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.
Heidi Dulebohn, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
After traveling the world, breaking barriers and securing several "firsts" as an executive in the grain trading industry, Heidi turned her passion for etiquette into a series of helpful workshops, columns and crowd-pleasing speaking engagements. Fascinated by the cultural history behind traditional etiquette rules, Heidi has devoted her career to empowering leaders with a modern-day version of those same wonderful rules. A highly certified expert on modern etiquette for the digital age, she is dedicated to sharing all she knows to help others live their best personal and professional lives. Her mantra: Be kind. It's free.
