Written by: Lois Wagner, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I lost a business and went bankrupt. I was attacked, raped, and left for dead. I was forced into retirement and experienced many other life and business challenges.
I recovered.
I developed a model for recovery and healing based on my own experiences and other resources such as Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler’s Five Stage of Grief model [1], John M Fisher’s personal transition curve [2], and the work of numerous other researchers and authors. [3][4][5]
It is important to understand that each person experiences their own unique journey and that this experience is not linear. It is a convoluted and complex process. We can move between phases at any time and for any reason. Our reactions and emotions can come and go at any time and may last for any length of time and return when we least expect them. We can go quickly through some of the phases, and we may go through some of the phases simultaneously. We go up and down and backward and forward, and even when we have achieved success, a memory or event may trigger us, and we will find ourselves falling back into an earlier phase. There are no clear boundaries between phases, and we may not even notice the subtlety of the changes.
Our progress also depends on our past experiences, our earlier life patterns, our self-perception, and our outlook on the future.
Each phase builds on the experiences and learning from previous phases in whatever way we move through these phases. Each time we return to a later phase, it is with more resilience and grit, and newly acquired abilities.
Some of the dangers on the road to healing are that we may miss the signs. For example, we may not recognize the emotion we are feeling: is it anger or frustration; is it a perceived threat or anxiety? And we may not accept these feelings as real or important, so we ignore them, allowing them to fester. Or we may react in a way that does not serve us, and then we do things which, rather than help us, may increase our stress levels.
Victim
After facing a life or business challenge, adversity, or disruption, our immediate reaction is usually becoming the victim of that situation or those circumstances.
My definition of victim includes these reactions, emotions, and feelings:
Shock and denial – avoidance, confusion, bewilderment, horror, fear, numbness, lack of energy, the blahs, blame, complacency
Anger – fury, frustration, irritation, hostility, hatred, need for revenge
Fear and anxiety – embarrassment, shame, threat
Depression – detachment, feeling overwhelmed, helplessness, flight, guilt, disillusionment.
Elation – happiness and relief
Here, and throughout the recovery process, we may also experience physical symptoms such as headaches, nausea, sweating, pounding heartbeat, dizziness, crying, breathlessness, dry mouth, or yelling when reminded of or thinking about the trauma.
I demonstrated most of the victim's symptoms at various times throughout my healing journey. Unfortunately, I was often triggered and fell back into the victim's mindset.
Survivor
Many people relate the term ‘survivor’ to someone who managed to stay alive after some form of attack or accident. However, many more people think of it as someone who has managed to overcome a bad situation, tragedy, or illness.
I think it is at the stage of the healing cycle when we start bargaining and reaching out for support when we begin to cope with our trauma. That is when we become survivors. For me, surviving is a struggle. We gradually start to accept what happened and want to find meaning in our experience – to tell someone our story so that it starts making sense. To bargain for a different outcome.
Here we might try to change the situation; we might try to find a way to postpone the inevitable outcome.
We start sharing our stories with others.
We start reaching out to others and asking if there is another way.
We may even begin to experiment with new ideas.
We may attempt to bargain with God or with our higher self.
We try to negotiate a compromise and may even develop false hope.
The benefit of this stage is that we are starting to get our lives back to some form of normality.
Holding regular conversations is a promising sign that we are moving into survivor mode. This is when we can talk about the topic of the trauma without getting involved in our story and our anguish.
I started to validate my experience by changing the world, lobbying, and becoming an activist. I felt what I was doing was the right thing to do. I felt that I was taking control over what had happened and that there was some positive outcome, some light at the end of this very dark tunnel. I became ‘strong’ and ‘brave’ by going public. This made me feel good about myself. I started to move forward and to take back control. To become ‘me’ again and to feel comfortable with my choices.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
It can develop when we are injured or experience some other challenge or adversity, such as a life-threatening attack, accident, or severe illness. Also, it can happen after someone close dies or goes missing.
PTSD symptoms can be manifested whether something actually happened or even if it was just a threat. The symptoms may occur because of our personal experience of the trauma or just from witnessing the trauma. Even the police, medical personnel, or therapists who respond to an incident may display symptoms. Just hearing about the trauma from others, watching a video, or reading about it may bring on symptoms. And we can easily be re-traumatized at any time when something triggers our memory of the event.
Most of us will experience difficulties in coping without loving support and care. With some of us, the symptoms may manifest immediately, and in other cases, they may worsen overtime - days, weeks, or even years later.
Here are some of the symptoms we may experience:
Flashbacks – re-experiencing the trauma: we may feel that the trauma is happening all over again.
Unpleasant or distressing memories about the trauma at unexpected times
Emotional reactions and feelings of distress when reminded of or thinking about the trauma
Feelings of panic and experiencing panic attacks
Uncontrollable crying for no obvious reason
Physical reactions, such as nausea, sweating, pounding heartbeat, racing pulse, crying, breathlessness, dry mouth, or yelling when reminded of or thinking about the trauma
Nightmares and upsetting dreams
Insomnia, negative or interrupted sleep patterns
Lack of interest in life around you, feelings of detachment and numbness, feeling flat or empty or numb.
Lack of focus or lack of a positive outlook for the future and avoiding long-term planning. Feeling hopeless about the future.
Negative feelings and thoughts about yourself and emotional detachment.
Detached or negative feelings about others and the world in general
Sudden or unexpected changes in mood
Avoiding certain feelings, thoughts, or experiences
Avoiding places, events, people, or activities
Fear of leaving your home
Difficulty in maintaining close relationships and feeling detached from family and friends
Avoiding certain topics, especially related to the experienced trauma
Difficulty in remembering details of the trauma event
Any of the feelings in the victim spectrum: self-blame, blaming others, aggression, angry outbursts, irritability, feelings of overwhelming guilt or shame
Isolation or social alienation
Afraid of being alone
Taking risks and demonstrating self-destructive behaviors, such as dangerous activities or driving too fast
Overuse of alcohol, drugs, or food
Lack of self-control
Difficulty in concentrating
Easily frightened or startled by sounds, shadows, movements, touch, and always on guard for danger.
Resilience
Resilience for me is my courage, creativity, and optimism that gets me back up, working with renewed energy and greater strength, determination, and control after facing a difficult challenge.
Resilience helps us through the survival phase and prepares us for growth. It is the mindset that says we must get back up onto our feet after a challenge or facing adversity.
The noun resilience, meaning 'the act of rebounding,' was derived from resiliens, 'to recoil or rebound'[6]. But it is not bouncing back to where we were before because life will never be the same again after major trauma. And we do not ‘bounce’ back – it is a convoluted journey of scrambling up and falling and climbing back up again.
Resilience is about returning to a meaningful yet different life.
We can develop resilience, that skill to withstand, adapt to, and recover from adversity and stress.
We do this by maintaining or returning to our original state of mental health or well-being using effective coping strategies. We can focus on things over which we can have personal control and have an impact. This empowers us and prevents us from feeling lost and powerless.
We first need to understand how the experience had an impact on us and how we coped. Then, we need to understand what we will be losing and what we will be gaining as we start returning to normality.
We also need to understand that we will succeed on our own.
For me, the impact was obvious: physical and emotional damage and financial implications. What I was losing from my activism was privacy. What I was gaining was the ability to take control of the situation. I also developed courage and purpose: the opportunity to serve others.
One key element of resilience is adaptability. So I started to learn how to do different things and how to do them differently. I focused on creative solutions and on the way forward rather than on the problem and reframed the experience into one way to change the world.
Another key element is personalizing the event: the ‘what if’ or the ‘if only.’ It is removing the self-blame and seeing the other person as the cause. The rapist raped me. It was not my fault.
To be resilient, we need to be optimistic. I just knew that I could help change the law and the world.
Grit
For me, grit[7] is my drive, passion, perseverance, and persistence that keeps me interested and focused on my goals and aspirations.
Grit is an important quality to develop. Although we may be talented, intelligent, and creative, we do not achieve success without grit without that drive, and we do not thrive.
I found that opportunity to forge forward. To start to find meaning to my horrendous experiences. To change the world. To make a difference. To make this my calling.
Post-traumatic growth
considers the expression ‘if it doesn't kill you; it makes you stronger.’ What have we all learned from our experiences? From our mistakes, failures, or adversities? How have we grown, developed, or changed?
Thriver
Empowerment is the process of becoming stronger and more confident, of being able to control our lives and claim our rights. The principles of empowerment include having the information that enables us to make informed decisions and resolve problems. It is about accountability, taking responsibility for our choices and actions.
While I had been successful during my career, I only started to thrive when I started to reflect on my experiences, took responsibility for my choices and actions, and became empowered. I began living my childhood dreams and games[8] to live my true passion and purpose.
Freedom
True freedom comes with forgiveness. Forgiveness of self and forgiveness of others.
Forgiveness is not condoning the actions of the other person, and it is not “letting them off the hook.” Forgiveness breaks the bond that ties us to the person or situation and liberates us from the associated negative emotions and potential triggers.
I forgave myself for having hateful emotions and for subsequent toxic behaviors. I forgave the business partner who betrayed me and put the business into liquidation, sending me into deep debt. I forgave the rapist for what he did to me. I forgave others.
I will write more about forgiveness in future articles.
Total Transformation
I have gone the full cycle from victim to survivor to thriver and beyond to freedom.
Fly Free with Me - Lois – Your Friend for Forgiveness.
For more info, follow me on Instagram, LinkedIn, Youtube Channel, and visit my website!
Lois Wagner, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Lois Wagner: Your friend for forgiveness. Helping you move from victim to survivor to thriver and beyond and then to freedom, after facing a life or business challenge or adversity. Lois lost a business and went bankrupt. She was attacked, raped, and left for dead. She was forced into retirement and experienced many other challenges. Her work is based on these personal major adversities and life experiences. Lois learned to forgive (she forgave the rapist and the business partner who betrayed her) and moved on to a more rewarding and fulfilling life. Lois guides you through building your resilience and grit, developing a growth mindset, energizing your mojo, and learn to forgive. This is achieved via one-on-one coaching, group masterminds, and keynote presentations. Lois’s book – Walking Without Skin: A Journey of Healing – From Fear to Forgiveness to Freedom is part memoir and self-help guide. Fly Free with Lois – Your Friend for Forgiveness
References:
[1] Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, 2005.
[2] John M. Fisher. The Change Curve.
[3] Lewin's 3-Stage Model of Change: Unfreezing, Changing & Refreezing
[6] resilience: the capacity to recover: Macmillan Dictionary Blog
[7] grit: courage and resolve; strength of character [8] See my Brainz article – Your True calling is Revealed to the Child
