Malissa Veroni is the founding CEO and lead therapist at Keep’N It Real Solutions. For the past 15 years Malissa has been a foot soldier in the field of social work; teaching, and serving students and clients alike. She is a published author, mentor, and mental health therapist who focuses on combining theory, practical approach and individual quality holistic care to help clients heal and grow from a variety of concerns.
Narcissistic abuse is more common than we might realize, affecting lives and relationships in profound ways. It’s a silent battle that leaves survivors feeling isolated, undermined, and overwhelmed by guilt, anxiety, and self-doubt. When supporting someone in this situation, patience and empathy are crucial.
How to truly help a survivor of narcissistic abuse
In today's conversations, the terms "narcissistic abuse" and "narcissists" are more prevalent than ever and for good reason. The damage inflicted by these personalities can be profound and far-reaching. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) affects approximately 0.5% of the U.S.A population (Graham, 2023), which translates to about 1 in 200 people. There are notable gender differences, as around 75% of those diagnosed are men Recovery Village.
However, when we consider individuals exhibiting narcissistic traits, that figure escalates dramatically, suggesting that about 2%-12% of people Children of Narcissists may display these behaviours to varying degrees. This means narcissism is more common than we often realize, quietly infiltrating various aspects of our lives.
Individuals who seek my guidance encompass a wide spectrum: those ensnared in narcissistic relationships, the rare narcissists themselves seeking help, and the innocent desolate bystanders—friends or family members who feel helpless yet driven to support their loved ones. The devastated bystanders frequently witness the chaos and emotional upheaval that accompany narcissistic dynamics, grappling with feelings of frustration and sorrow as they observe their loved ones' struggles.
Navigating these turbulent relationships reveals the intense emotional fallout that often ensues. Survivors frequently experience guilt, anxiety, and a crippling sense of isolation among many other challenging symptoms. Recognizing these patterns is the first vital step toward healing. By illuminating these experiences, those affected by the horrible aftermath can empower ourselves and others to break free from the suffocating grip of narcissistic love, paving the way for healthier connections and a renewed sense of self-worth.
Take, for example, Sarah a woman once vibrant and full of life. Charismatic and fiercely loyal, she always lit up a room. When she met Mark, she felt an exhilarating connection. He was charming and attentive, sweeping her off her feet with grand gestures and compliments that made her feel cherished. Initially, it seemed like a fairy tale. However, beneath the surface, the cracks in their relationship began to appear.
At first, Mark's dismissals were subtle. When Sarah expressed her feelings, he would often label her as "overreacting" or "too sensitive." If she voiced a concern, he masterfully redirected the conversation back to himself, weaving tales that painted him as the hero. Gradually, Sarah found herself apologizing for missteps she never committed, her self-doubt escalating with each encounter.
As time passed, Mark's affection morphed into control. He began to question Sarah’s friendships, implying that her friends were untrustworthy or a negative influence. The joyful companions who once filled her life faded into the background, leaving Sarah increasingly isolated. The vibrant happiness she once radiated transformed into confusion and anxiety, leaving her to wrestle with her self-worth and question her right to love.
Amidst this turmoil, Sarah experienced fleeting moments of clarity. During a gathering with friends, she overheard laughter and warmth feelings she desperately craved but rarely experienced at home. That night, she realized just how much she missed her authentic self, her laughter, and her light.
Encouraged by a close friend, Sarah began confronting the reality of her situation. She sought therapy and started to understand the dynamics of narcissistic relationships and the cycle of manipulation. Slowly, she rebuilt her self-esteem, recognizing that her feelings were not only valid but essential.
Ultimately, Sarah made the courageous decision to leave Mark, but it’s important to remember that this choice doesn’t have to mirror your story or that of others. Her journey was fraught with common challenges; moments of doubt and heartache loomed large. Yet, with every step she took away from the toxic relationship, she felt lighter, as if shedding the layers of someone else's expectations.
In time, Sarah rediscovered her passion for life. She rekindled friendships, pursued hobbies she had neglected, and learned to embrace self-love fiercely. Though the scars of her past remained, they no longer defined her. Sarah emerged stronger, poised to embrace a future filled with genuine love and self-acceptance.
Through her journey, Sarah learned a vital truth: true love uplifts and empowers, never belittles or diminishes. This awareness became her guiding light, illuminating her path toward healing and renewed hope.
Whether you or your friend chooses to stay in a relationship with someone exhibiting narcissistic tendencies is ultimately their decision (at least I hope so!). It's crucial not to pressure them to leave, as doing so can heighten their risk of suicidal thoughts and potentially lead to fatal outcomes when leaving an abusive relationship. So, how can you support someone from the sidelines without losing yourself in the process?
Here are six effective ways to assist a survivor of narcissistic abuse, along with a bonus tip that everyone in the field wishes people understood!
6 ways to truly help a survivor of narcissistic abuse
Listen without judgment
Create a safe space for them to share their experiences. Be a patient listener, allowing them to express their feelings without interruption. Validating their emotions can help them feel heard and understood.
Encourage professional help
Suggest therapy or counselling as constructive avenues for healing. A mental health professional can equip survivors with essential tools and strategies to navigate their feelings and experiences.
Be patient and understanding
Recovery from narcissistic abuse is a journey that takes time. Be patient with their progress and provide consistent support, understanding that healing isn’t linear; there will be good days and setbacks.
Offer practical help
Survivors often need assistance with daily tasks or decision-making. Offer practical support whether it’s running errands, helping with chores, or being there during challenging conversations.
Celebrate their progress
Acknowledge their achievements, no matter how small. Celebrate milestones in their healing journey, and remind them of their strength and resilience.
Respect their boundaries & follow their lead
It is vital to allow survivors to dictate the pace of discussions. Avoid pressuring them for details, and respect their choice to withhold aspects of their experience. Having endured the challenges of narcissistic relationships, survivors often grapple with boundaries. Let them reclaim their autonomy without interference, ensuring they have the opportunity to engage in healthy interactions.
Bonus tip (and perhaps one of the most important ones)
Avoid minimizing their experience
Refrain from saying things like "it could be worse" or "just get over it." Such comments can invalidate their feelings. Instead, affirm that their feelings are valid and understandable given their experiences
By implementing these strategies, you can become a vital ally in a survivor's journey toward healing and self-empowerment. Support them in reclaiming their sense of self and navigating the complexities of their recovery. As a professional dedicated to fostering resilience and growth, my services are here to guide you and survivors alike through this transformative process, helping to create a safe space for healing and renewal. Together, we can cultivate strength and resilience in the face of adversity.
Malissa Veroni, Founding CEO & Lead Therapist
Malissa Veroni is the founding CEO and lead therapist at Keep’N It Real Solutions. For the past 15 years, Malissa has been a foot soldier in the field of social work, teaching and serving students and clients alike. She is a published author, mentor, and mental health therapist who focuses on combining theory, practical approach and individual quality holistic care to help clients heal and grow from a variety of concerns. Malissa is known as a specialist in the field of Narcissistic Abuse, Intimate Partner Violence, the LGBTQ2s Community, and in Sex Therapy. She is also a Designated Capacity Assessor and a mentor to several social workers worldwide.
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