Written by: Amanda Feaver, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
What we do with our pain will most certainly influence the course of our lives; how we engage our loss determines if we spiral into numbing and avoidant behaviors or if we learn to tolerate and work with the pain as it slowly transforms and matures us.
This is going to hurt
You just lost something, someone, and your heart is breaking. Your insides are shattered. You can’t seem to navigate with any sense of who you once were. The path ahead is unclear, and you wonder if you’ll lose your mind. You won’t. Or you will. This is grief. It will rip you open, toss you around, and at some point, without you being fully aware of what’s happening, life will put you back together. But the new you will not be the old you; that you is gone. This is grief. It will get better, but not for some time, and it will probably take longer than you think it should. It will get better, but it won’t ever fully go away; it will transform, and you will transform. You and grief have a relationship. Grief is an immersive experience of loss; it will seep into your emotions, relationships, and spiritual life. It will change how your body feels, how you sleep, how you eat, and what you desire. Your mind will change, the things that matter to you will change, and your patterns and choices will change. This is grief. It’s going to hurt.
You’re not losing your mind
Part of you left when you lost that person, that dream, that life; that part of you isn’t returning. The parts of you that are still here are slowly transforming. You will feel unlike your old self because you aren’t your old self. You will feel lost and alone and conflicted and confused. You will find that sometimes you cry so hard you begin to laugh and that even a short moment of laughter brings you to tears. You will not recognize yourself, and you will wonder if you’re losing your mind. You are not losing your mind. Or at least, if you are, it will come back. The old way of being is gone, and you have not yet discovered the new way. You are experiencing the in-between, the liminal. This is how it feels to be in between worlds; it feels like the underworld, it feels like unknowing. But you do not have to know; you just have to be. And sometimes, just being will feel like you’re going insane. You aren’t. Grieving is one of the most sane things you can do. I promise.
Grief will be unbearable… and you will bear it
This will be more than you imagined; it will almost break you, or it will break you. Sometimes you will forget to breathe. Sometimes you won’t be able to get out of bed. You will stop cleaning the bathroom, or your bathroom will be the cleanest it’s ever been. You might stop taking showers; you might start swimming in the river. Perhaps everything will hurt. Perhaps everything will become numb. It’s ok. Maybe you’ll stop answering the phone when your people call. Maybe you’ll feel so angry that you despise anyone who seems to be doing well. You will be surprised at the weight of your experience. This will feel like more than you can bear, and it will be more than you can bear. But you will bear it. Just stay with yourself, and you will find that in every moment that passes, you will have held your grief in the exact way it needed to be held.
Trust the gifts the grow in the darkness
Life begins in the dark, buried in the soil, buried in the womb; the darkness is where the mysterious forms. We do not like what we cannot see and are often afraid of what we do not understand, but the darkness has work to do. You have not been forgotten; you are not floating alone through this wild world. The silent, dark, empty places will bring forth new life for you. But you must wait. The darkness creates at its own pace; it has its own wisdom. You cannot rush this process; you can only be present and bear witness as you and your grief slowly transform.
Your life will open up
At some point, probably without realizing it's happening, you will once again be awake to your life. What was murky will become clear. You will have a sense of yourself in the world. You will start desiring things. Food will taste wonderful, art will be inspiring, colors will be bright, and laughter will be sweet. Everything beautiful will bring you to tears. You will water your plants; you will water your relationships; you will tend to your dreams. You will be mesmerized by the flowers that bloom in the spring, and the feeling of the sun on your body will remind you how sweet it is to be alive. At some point, you will again locate yourself in the world, and you will like where you are, and there will be joy.
Love changes form
Whoever or whatever you lost won’t be replaced. The gaps our losses leave don’t really ever fill up. We can’t replace people; we can’t replace dreams; we can’t replace innocence or time. We can’t. There is a finiteness to life on this planet; all that lives will die. But life does move forward, and you will move forward. Maybe not immediately, maybe not for a very long time. But eventually, you will. And when you do, there will be people and dreams and experiences. There will be love. Grief never really leaves us, but it does transform, and in that strange alchemy, it forms us into people we weren’t before. If we can learn to engage our grief, we will be deepened and expanded by it. I don’t know how your grief will change you, but I know it will. And I hope you are tender with yourself as you walk the path. I hope you can find space to fall apart so that you can find space to come back together.
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Amanda Feaver, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Amanda Feaver lives nestled between the ocean and the mountains of the Pacific Northwest in the United States. She is a climate-aware psychotherapist. Her work focuses on regenerative relationships between humans and regenerative relationships between humans and the more-than-human world. She draws from the principles of Attachment theory, Deep Ecology, and Permaculture and is inspired by wisdom teachings across many traditions. Amanda believes that for people to expand into a full experience of living, we must collectively reawaken to our belonging within the community of all beings on this planet. Nothing makes her happier than healthy soil and deeply resilient ecosystems.
Amanda co-founded a daily text subscription service designed to help members attune and expand amidst their busy lives. You can find out more at cosmicyou.life.
