Written by: Jen Barnes, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I've been thinking a lot about boundaries lately. In my 22-plus years in the mental health space, I’ve learned that few of us are taught boundaries when we are young. Instead, we were told to “just get along” or “play nice,” which often means avoiding conflict at all costs. Since setting boundaries sometimes results in conflict, that means we learn to avoid setting them and just go along with the status quo because, let’s face it, even fewer of us have been taught how to handle conflict effectively.
But this is a problem because eventually, anger and resentment build up. I mean, when someone is violating your boundaries (even if you didn’t set them), it’s understandable you would get angry and resentful towards them. The problem is this anger and resentment often comes out in hurtful ways, ways that damage relationships and that aren’t aligned with who and how you want to be in the world.
So then why don’t people set boundaries more often?
My observation is that most people don’t set boundaries because they are afraid of someone getting mad, expressing anger towards them, or negatively impacting the relationship. Sometimes it’s because you have a long history of trauma that gets triggered by other people’s anger and sometimes, it’s because you don’t know what to do when someone gets angry with you and it feels uncomfortable.
The truth is when you set boundaries, sometimes people will get mad. And they will likely direct that anger towards you, especially people who have been benefitingfrom your lack of boundaries. The thing is, their anger is not about you. Let me say that again: Their anger is NOT about YOU. At that moment, they are focused primarily on their needs and wants. At that moment, they are not considering your needs, wants, and values. They are not necessarily “bad” people; sometimes, they may not be aware of how you are feeling. This is why you need to communicate your boundaries in the first place, preferably sooner rather than later, so you can do it kindly.
So what if you do set boundaries and someone gets mad?
Here are some things to try:
Acknowledge and validate your own feelings inside yourself about their response
To them, acknowledge that you notice they are feeling upset and validate their feelings (few people like not getting their way)
If they are being nasty or aggressive in some way, let them know that their anger is understandable and okay with you, but that {describethe behavior specifically without generalization or name-calling} is not okay.
If you are open to discussion on the boundary (i.e., possibly compromising), you could let them know you are happy to chat more about it when you are both in calmer head space.
If you are not open to compromising or discussing the boundary further, you can let them know that while you understand they are feeling upset, this is what you are going to do/need right now.
If they continue to fight with you, use the broken record approach. Let them know that you understand they are upset, and then restate your boundary. Do this over and over until they get it (sometimes over several conversations) or until you or they end the conversation about it. With kids and people who are used to getting their way with you, you may have to continue to repeat this boundary several times over a longer period until they see you mean it. This is especially true if you haven’t been communicating your boundaries in this relationship.
You do not need to explain your boundary unless you want to. As a chronic over-explainer (I mean, if you’re a reader, you likely have realized this about me), I often remind myself that “no” is a complete sentence.
When you start setting boundaries in line with your values, some people will stay, and others will leave; both are good things. Because what kind of relationship is it really if someone has been benefiting from your discomfort and who is unwilling to stay in the relationship unless it stays that way?
There is always more to say about boundaries (especially boundaries in the workplace, which is a whole other topic), but for now, I’ll leave you with a favorite quote from Dr. Brene Brown. Her research demonstrates that the most compassionate people are also the most boundary-conscious people.
"Very early on in my work, I had discovered that the most compassionate people I interviewed also have the most well-defined and well-respected boundaries. It surprised me at the time, but now I get it. They assume that other people are doing the best they can, but they also ask for what they need, and they don’t put up with a lot of crap. Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” ‒ BreneBrown (emphasis mine)
Jen Barnes, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jen Barnes is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Minneapolis, MN. She specializes in complex trauma, PTSD, stress, and grief. The daughter and sister of nurses, she has a passion for empowering nurses to build resilience. She has worked with nurses 1:1 hoping to expand her reaching to a broader audience. In 2021 she completed the Dare to Lead certificate program in order to more effectively address organizational challenges in healthcare. Most recently, she spoke at the American Association of Critical Care Nurses’s 2022 NTI conference on Building Resilience in Nursing.
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