Written by Dr. Denisa Millette, Psychologist
Dr. Denisa Millette is a psychologist specializing in trauma, anxiety, and women's health. She is the founder of DM Coaching, an online coaching platform, a psychology professor, and a private psychotherapy practice owner.
Life is hard at times. Unexpected transitions, challenges, losses, and trials are inevitable and can pull us into a dark place. Traumatic and adverse life experiences, especially those caused by others, can be heartbreaking and soul-crushing, leaving us confused, insecure, always on edge, or emotionally numb.
There are many ways to deal with a traumatic episode, but one thing we all need is a supportive friend who gets us. In this article, you will learn 10 effective strategies of how to support others going through personal pain, and what your own needs may be the next time you’re in want of a supportive friend.
What is a traumatic experience?
A traumatic experience is any kind of event that causes significant emotional, psychological, or physical shock. The resulting trauma is the wound or impact this event has on our mental health and well-being. Many of my clients hesitate to seek professional help because they assume that traumatic events are only those incidents perceived as threatening to one's life or safety (Big ‘T’ trauma). These are the events most people would agree are distressing and overwhelming. They are typically one-time or short-lived events but have a profound and lasting impact on an individual's psychological state. Examples of Big 'T' trauma include natural disasters, war, terrorist attacks, serious accidents, sexual violence and assaults, or other life-threatening situations. These events can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and require significant psychological intervention.
However, traumatic experiences are also events that may not seem traumatic to outsiders but can be deeply distressing to the individual experiencing them (Little ‘t’ traumas). These are the smaller, more personal events that disrupt our daily functioning, overwhelm our coping skills, and cause emotional distress and dysregulation. Examples include relationship break-ups, divorce, job loss, minor car accidents, or even frequent moving. While these events might not lead to PTSD, they can still result in a quality-of-life decrease. The most important thing to understand is that while Big 'T' traumas may pose a direct threat to one's life or bodily integrity, little 't' traumas can accumulate over time, leading to significant emotional, mental, and physical health issues. In other words, it is not about the severity of the traumatic experience, but rather the individual's response to it.
Three main types of trauma
Traumatic responses are usually categorized into three primary types: acute, chronic, and complex. Acute trauma results from a single incident that is immediately stressful or dangerous. Imagine being in a car accident or experiencing a natural disaster. These events are sudden and can leave a lasting impact on a person's mental health, potentially leading to acute stress disorder (ASD) or even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) if the symptoms persist.
Chronic trauma, on the other hand, stems from repeated and prolonged exposure to stressful events. This could be ongoing domestic violence, child abuse, or bullying. The continuous nature of these events can lead to complex emotional and psychological issues, making recovery a longer process.
Complex trauma often involves exposure to varied and multiple traumatic events, often of an invasive, interpersonal nature. This type of trauma can occur in settings where there is a primary caregiver who is responsible for the trauma, leading to a deep sense of betrayal and loss of trust. An example of complex trauma could be prolonged abuse starting in childhood which disrupts many aspects of personal development and the sense of self.
Individual responses to trauma
Trauma is a complex and multifaceted experience that affects individuals in various ways. It's not just about the events themselves, but also about how individuals process and respond to these events. Responses to trauma can vary greatly from person to person and depend on many factors such as genetic predisposition and makeup, brain chemistry, level of resiliency, and others. Some common immediate reactions include shock, denial, and sudden changes in mood and behavior. Longer-term reactions include unpredictable emotions, intrusive thoughts, difficulty sleeping, flashbacks, strained relationships, avoidance, lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities, and even physical symptoms like headaches, GI issues, and chronic pain. These symptoms can be severe and often have a detrimental impact on one’s quality of life and well-being. This is sometimes diagnosed as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). However, even without a diagnosis of PTSD, the distress can be quite overwhelming.
The road to recovery involves understanding these responses, recognizing that they are common, and learning coping mechanisms. Support from family, friends, and professionals plays a crucial role in this process. Recovery is not about forgetting the trauma but about processing it, assimilating it, and learning to live with its memory in a manageable way.
Related article: Improving Your Sleep and Reducing PTSD-Related Sleep Disturbances
10 practical strategies to help a friend in trauma
Supporting a friend going through a traumatic experience can be challenging, but here are some strategies that might help:
1. Be present and listen
Active listening involves being fully present, maintaining eye contact, and showing empathy without judgment. It is important to ask open-ended questions and reflect on what your friend is saying. Avoid interrupting and offering immediate solutions, as the goal is to allow your friend to express themselves fully and feel heard while talking at their own pace. Acknowledge their courage to share their struggles and avoid minimizing their feelings. Remember, sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply listen.
2. Show compassion (validate)
Expressing compassion and validating one’s feelings involves active listening and empathetic communication. Start by offering a supportive presence, letting them know you're there for them without judgment. Use phrases like "I can't imagine how tough this must be for you," or "You're not alone in this." Acknowledge their feelings by saying things like "It makes sense you feel that way," which can help them feel understood. Offer help by asking, "How can I support you right now?" It's important to avoid minimizing their feelings or offering unsolicited advice; instead, focus on creating a space where they feel safe to express themselves and be vulnerable. Compassion is not about solving their problems but about being a source of comfort during their tough times.
3. Initiate a social support system
Research indicates that social support is considered one of the major protective factors in the aftermath of traumatic events. Initiating a social support system requires approaching the situation with empathy, ensuring that your friend feels understood. Begin by having a candid conversation with your friend, seeking their consent to help and understanding their needs. It's beneficial to create a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP), which includes essential contacts like therapists, healthcare providers, and supportive family and friends.
This plan can also list local crisis centers, triggers, and self-care strategies. Encourage your friend to share this plan with their support network, and if the network is limited, collaborate to expand it with resources such as affordable therapy options and support groups. By building a strong support system, you can help your friend navigate their life situation with a network of care and compassion. Strong social support may provide encouragement and opportunity to re-engage with life, and thus be exposed spontaneously to trauma reminders while in safe contexts. This may lead to fewer reexperiencing symptoms and reduced vigilance and isolation.
4. Provide space
While social support and community engagement are highly encouraged, be understanding if your friend needs space. Your friend or a loved one may not want your help and may not feel like talking or being around other people. Don’t take it personally. Know that isolation and withdrawal are common reactions to traumatic events. Let your friend know that you’ll be here and ready to connect later when they are ready. Respect their pace and know that healing and recovery take time.
5. Learn and become trauma-informed
Do some research. Understanding trauma and its profound impact on individuals is crucial, especially when it comes to providing support to a loved one who has experienced traumatic events. Trauma-informed care is a compassionate approach that recognizes the prevalence of trauma and its long-lasting effects on a person's mental, physical, and emotional well-being. By becoming trauma-informed and aware of the signs and symptoms of trauma, you can create a supportive environment that fosters safety, trust, and healing. You will learn to understand that your friend’s behaviors and reactions may be influenced by past traumatic experiences rather than personal flaws or weaknesses.
This perspective helps in maintaining a supportive and non-judgmental stance, which is essential for the healing process. It's about learning to ask the right questions, offer control where possible, and provide the support needed to navigate the complex journey of recovery. Each individual's experience with trauma is unique, and their path to recovery will be personal to them. By adopting a trauma-informed perspective, you can help your loved one feel understood and validated, which can significantly enhance their ability to cope and recover. This approach can lead to more effective support, improved relationships, and, ultimately, a stronger, more resilient community.
6. Educate others
Educating others about the impact of traumatic experiences on loved ones is a sensitive and vital topic. It involves understanding the complex ways trauma can affect an individual's mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Once trauma-informed, you can teach others how to recognize the signs of trauma, understand the physiological and psychological responses to trauma, and explore strategies for supporting those affected. Additionally, it's crucial to emphasize the importance of professional support and resources for those dealing with the aftermath of traumatic events. By fostering empathy and awareness, one can help build a more compassionate and informed community around those who need it.
7. Engage in mindful practices
Research shows that mindfulness, the practice of maintaining a nonjudgmental state of heightened or complete awareness of one's thoughts, emotions, or experiences on a moment-to-moment basis, has been shown to have a positive impact on posttraumatic growth (PTG). PTG refers to the transformative change individuals may experience following a traumatic event, leading to personal growth in various domains such as life appreciation, interpersonal relationships, and spirituality. Moreover, mindfulness can aid in the process of meaning-making, a crucial component of PTG, by allowing individuals to fully engage with their experiences and find a renewed sense of purpose. So, engage in mindfulness practices with your friend. Go for a walk, spend time outside, cook a healthy meal together, discuss books and podcasts, draw, paint, make music, or whatever else encourages mindfulness.
Related article: Mindfulness - Thought Diffusion
8. Be creative
Arts and creativity can be powerful allies in the journey of healing from trauma. For someone supporting a friend through trauma, creating a safe and welcoming environment that encourages creative expression can be a step toward empowerment and healing. Start a project together that engages your friend’s creative muscles. This will provide an opportunity to connect and to use art/creative expression as a form of mindfulness. Research shows visual arts and music provide a meaningful distraction to people who have experienced trauma as well as an opportunity to express emotions that might be difficult to articulate with words alone. Paint, draw, dance, sculpt, play music, create.
9. Encourage professional help
Seeking professional help after experiencing trauma is a critical step toward healing and recovery. Professionals can provide a safe and structured environment for your loved one to process their traumatic experiences, essential for emotional healing. Therapy can effectively reduce symptoms of post-traumatic stress such as anxiety, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts. It also helps individuals regain control over their lives, learn coping strategies, and rebuild their emotional well-being. Moreover, counseling can foster resilience, enabling people to move forward and lead fulfilling lives despite their past experiences. It's a proactive approach to prevent a downward spiral that often accompanies untreated trauma, ensuring personalized care and support through the journey of recovery.
10. Be patient
Supporting a friend through trauma is a delicate process that requires empathy, patience, and understanding. It's important to listen without judgment and create a safe space for them to express their feelings. Validating their experiences and acknowledging the impact of the trauma can be incredibly affirming. Educating yourself about trauma can help you understand what your friend is going through and how to support them better. It's also crucial to respect their boundaries and avoid pressuring them into discussing their trauma before they're ready. Encouraging self-care and offering practical help with daily tasks can provide immense relief. When suggesting professional help, do so gently, emphasizing the benefits of therapy and offering to assist in finding a therapist specializing in trauma. Remember, healing from trauma is a personal journey that unfolds at its own pace, and your steady support can make a significant difference in your friend's recovery process.
Taking care of yourself
Supporting a friend through trauma is a profound act of kindness, but it's equally important to take care of your well-being during this time. Self-care is not selfish; it's necessary to maintain the strength and resilience needed to be there for others. Start by staying informed about trauma and its effects which can help you provide the right support and understand your friend's experiences better. Remember to set boundaries to prevent burnout; it's okay to take time for yourself to recharge. Engaging in activities that promote relaxation and peace, such as deep breathing, walking, or journaling, can be beneficial. If you find the situation overwhelming, don't hesitate to seek professional help. It's crucial to acknowledge that while you can offer support, you're not responsible for your friend's healing—that's a journey they must undertake with the help of professionals. By taking care of yourself, you'll be better equipped to help your friend navigate their path to recovery.
The healing power of community
Going through adverse life experiences or supporting others in the aftermath of a personal crisis or trauma may feel overwhelming, but you don't have to face it alone. At DMCoaching.life, we have created many resources to support you in this process, including the Her Journey community that provides educational and social support for women of all backgrounds seeking healing and building a life worth living. You can join us anytime. If you are looking for more personalized support and guidance for yourself or your loved one, book a coaching call today. Let's work together to restore balance, rebuild lives, and effectively manage the aftermath of difficult life experiences and trauma.
Dr. Denisa Millette, Psychologist
Dr. Denisa Millette is a practicing Psychologist and a Professor of Counseling Psychology with over 23 years of clinical experience. Her specialties are trauma, anxiety disorders, and women’s health.
She was recently awarded the Distinguished Professional Service Award for leadership in international trauma counseling development. Dr. Millette is a founder of the DM Coaching platform designed to support women across the globe in creating a life worth living in the aftermath of difficult life experiences. Originally, from the Czech Republic, Dr. Millette currently resides and practices in the United States and Canada.
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