Written by Jemma Blythe, Life Coach
Jemma Blythe is a qualified Life Coach based in the UK, known for empowering women who have been through trauma. She is the founder of Living Imperfectly Perfect Coaching founded early in 2024.
If you’ve ever experienced trauma, especially if the trauma has occurred over several days, months or years, there’s a high chance you’ve also experienced something called a Trauma Bond. This causes a strong bond between the abuser and the victim of trauma, very few people know or recognise exactly when a trauma bond is formed as it happens over a while when the abuser abuses trust and power.
You aren’t alone. I’ve been where you are twice, which is why this article exists, to arm you with all the information I never had.
What is a trauma bond?
To put it simply a trauma bond is a bond that occurs between a victim and their abuser, causing the victim more pain and the people close to the victim a lot of frustration. The victim very often feels a strong pull to their abuser and takes their side, even when the things the abuser has done are questionable.
“A deep bond formed between a victim and their abuser.” – iViSiON.ORG.UK
What causes a trauma bond to develop?
Trauma bonding typically occurs over some time, to create a trauma bond the abuser must develop a strong relationship with the victim, typically making them feel safe and that they feel like they can turn to the abuser in any situation. This bond is harmful, but often tough for the victim to see, as it can look an awful look like loyalty towards the abuser.
For the victim, this only adds to the shame and guilt they experience after the abuse has taken place because they constantly wonder how they didn’t spot they were being manipulated when it was in plain sight for everyone else.
Six relationships in which trauma bonds can develop
There are seven common relationships where trauma bonds can form and act like a rope entwining both the victim and their abuser. One of the most common myths surrounding trauma, particularly when discussing trauma bonds is that they can only develop through sexual abuse and domestic abuse situations, which is why it’s important to include this list, as then you will be able to see just how many people are vulnerable to a trauma bond taking place.
Domestic Abuse or Violence
Platonic Friendships
Parent and Child Relationships
Hostage situations
Sex trafficking
Military
Signs of trauma bonds
There can be multiple signs a trauma bond is forming, which can be called grooming depending on the situation. Such as small gifts, which can either be relatively inexpensive or expensive to make the victim of abuse feel valued and as though they’ll hurt their abusers’ feelings if they turn down such kind gifts.
The abuser may also appear to do small things as kindnesses to make the victim see that they can be trusted and that they are the only one prepared to help the victim by seeming to be the only one doing those kindnesses, these kindnesses again can vary due to the situation and depending on what the abuser feels is needed.
Blackmail and threats are also common to find amongst the things included within the signs of a trauma bond, this is because they want to get the victim to feel vulnerable in certain moments and at times they may want them to be in an emotional position which the abuser will see as beneficial to them when they want to be closer to the victim. All of this makes the victim feel as if there’s no escape from their abuser and that if they try and tell someone what is happening between them and the abuser, then no one will believe what they have to say over the word of the abuser.
In addition to this, there are signs a victim of abuse may show if they are under the influence of a trauma bond. For example, they may become withdrawn and turn themselves away from any friends or family that could help them escape the abusive relationship and they may also stick up for their abuser if they are questioned about something the abuser has done which doesn’t go unnoticed by the friends and family members of the victim.
8 ways to overcome trauma bonds
Trauma bonds can be overcome using the methods detailed below. However, it is important to state that the methods below aren’t a quick fix to any situation where a trauma bond may be present, but they provide a healthy start to being able to diffuse and help the victim in the initial stages of breaking away from their abuser.
Learning Boundaries
Check Self-Talk
Track Negative Thought Patterns
Cease Contact With The Abuser
Seek Professional Help
Concentrate On Building Healthy Relationships
Get To Know Your Experience Is Valid
Seek Out Support Groups
Learning boundaries
Boundaries are important when you’re looking to escape a suspected trauma bond. A victim may be asked by the abuser to do certain things, but the more space a victim can put between what they’ve been asked to do by the abuser and themselves, the better as they may find themselves in that situation less and less.
Whether that's, controlling the environment the victim is in with the abuser or coming up with reasons not to do certain things with the abuser anymore. The victim can use boundaries to protect their physical and emotional well-being whilst gradually breaking away from their abuser.
Check self-talk
It’s normal for a victim of trauma, especially trauma that has taken place over a long time to feel as though they are to blame for what has happened to them. This results in a lot of self-blame and feeling ashamed for not being able to see what has been happening to them and therefore, not leaving the situation sooner. It’s important to realise that the victim isn’t to blame, the self-blame is the fault of the abuser due to manipulation and blackmailing techniques.
Track negative thought patterns
When a victim has been abused, it’s normal for them to experience negative thought patterns, such as automatically degrading their own opinions of themselves in favour of listening to others’ opinions of them. Furthermore, it isn’t unusual for a victim to struggle to make decisions, believing the decisions they make are often the wrong ones, so they will be self-deprecating and preferring other people to make the decisions.
The more these negative thoughts can be tracked, the better, as they will often be triggered by something, either physical or emotional. If the triggers can be seen and noticed either through words written by the victim in a journal or from the victim spoken to trusted people around them, then it helps the thought patterns to lose their power over the victim.
Cease contact with the abuser
This, is the most important step, when abuse and a trauma bond is suspected, the best thing to do is to try and cease contact with the abuser, so it isn’t as easy for the abuser to get to the victim anymore. Separating from the abuser can involve huge changes in the victims' lives, but this is necessary to do, as no one should feel that they are still under the thumb of an abuser, once they have spotted and come to terms with the fact that they were being abused.
Seek professional help
Seeking professional help after being abused, isn’t just recommended, it’s needed to be able to put what the victim went through into context and to allow them the time they need within those sessions to be able to process what they went through with someone impartial.
This could be a mixture of a therapist and a life coach, as a therapist will be able to suggest healthier ways to tackle the negative self-talk and the self-deprecating ways the victim talks about themselves and the life coach will be able to keep their accountability as their developing new healthier habits.
Concentrate on building healthy relationships
Healthier relationships for someone who has been a victim of abuse are crucial and are very often built up of people they knew before the abuse happened and a little afterwards. So, they are people they can talk to on a level whom they know won’t just what the victim has been through and will allow them to talk and process what happened to them as they feel they need to. Trust is one of the most important things to think about when you are friends with someone who has been abused, as they will need to know and believe they can trust the people the victim has around them.
Get to know your experience is valid
When you’ve been a victim of trauma, it is sadly normal to come across people who will question what you’ve been through and it's normal to question what you’ve been through yourself as well. So, it’s crucial that you trust your instincts, as we know in our minds what is right and what is wrong, and the right and wrong ways to treat someone.
Seek out support groups
Support groups are very useful, especially if you are feeling isolated. Even though you may have people around you after you’ve been a victim of abuse, it is perfectly ok to feel as though you’re the only one that's been through something as devastating as abuse. It can feel freeing and comforting to be around others who have been through similar things when it comes to abuse and the feelings that abuse causes, especially during the recovery and healing processes.
Learning to rediscover who you are
Rediscovering who you are is one of the most powerful but, beautiful processes after trauma. You can either, make this process visual through a mindmap of both photos and feelings you may recognise you had before you experienced trauma in your life, or you can write down old hobbies and interests you had before you went through trauma as well. Anything you do is completely up to you.
When I experienced trauma from the sexual abuse I experienced as an adolescent I chose to do a mindmap when I was receiving therapy so that I could look back over all of the thoughts and emotions that I had had before the traumatic experience occurred. Doing this also helped me to deal with the disassociation after the trauma as well.
It was during recovery from the domestic abuse that I had gone through that I discovered how powerful written thoughts and emotions could be, as the trauma bond affected me so badly during this, I was in a coercive same-sex relationship, so I had gone from being a proud gay woman before the abuse to hating myself and who I was afterwards. I had to learn how to take baby steps to be proud of who I am now writing this, as a proud bisexual woman. Now a life coach, coaching predominantly female trauma survivors, who are all at different stages of their recovery to give them a safe space with someone to talk to who won’t judge and who is purely there to guide them through recovery at their own pace.
Start your empowering journey to reconnecting with who you are today
No one can tell you what the right or wrong way is to recover from trauma, the best thing you can do is to let your brain guide you and talk to someone, as there is someone out there who is willing and wants to listen to you.
Recovering from trauma can be overwhelming due, to all of the thoughts and feelings going around in your head, but you aren’t alone in the recovery process, even though sometimes it may feel like you are.
All of the techniques above plus more are going to be used in my upcoming program ‘Unveiling Your Authentic Self: From Broken To Fearless.’ Book a coaching chat today
Read more from Jemma Blythe
Jemma Blythe, Life Coach
Jemma Blythe is a qualified Life Coach, after grief and trauma through her childhood had left her with Mental Health Illnesses, Jemma created strategies to overcome the Mental Health challenges she was left with. She has since worked hard to empower Women to reconnect with themselves after experiencing trauma so that they can uncover their true authentic, independent selves. She is the CEO of Living Imperfectly Perfect Coaching.
