Varma is a certified life coach whose mission is to help others become the best versions of themselves. His spiritual journey has led him to the understanding that lasting happiness cannot be attained from material pursuits but true fulfilment can only be found within.
Love is a word that holds immense power and significance in our lives. It is a universal language that transcends boundaries, cultures, and beliefs. From the moment we are born, we are surrounded by love in various forms and expressions. But what is love or self-love, and why is it so essential that we find it within ourselves?
What is love?
At its core, love is a deep and profound connection between individuals, animals, and even nature itself. It is a force that binds us together, offering support, comfort, and joy in our lives. Love encompasses a wide range of emotions, from the gentle affection of a parent towards their child to the fiery passion between romantic partners. It is the foundation of relationships, the glue that holds families together, and the driving force behind acts of kindness and compassion. But love is not limited to human interactions alone. We can see the beauty of God's love in the animal kingdom, where a mother's devotion to her young showcases the purest form of love. From the playful antics of a puppy to the majestic grace of a swan, love is present in every living being, connecting us all in a delicate web.
The true depth of love
Love is not just a fleeting emotion; it is a powerful force that can transform lives and bring about profound change. When we experience true love, whether it be in the form of friendship, romantic partnership, or familial bonds, we tap into something greater than ourselves. Love has the ability to heal wounds, mend broken hearts, and inspire us to be the best version of ourselves. At the core of our being lies the essence of divine love, a love that transcends the material world and reaches into the depths of our soul. It is a love that knows no boundaries, no limitations, and no conditions. When we connect with this inner source of love, we experience a sense of peace, wholeness, and harmony that cannot be found anywhere else.
The wisdom of Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
Along my journey of self-discovery and searching for divine love, I was led to the teachings of the great Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, who was an enlightened Guru and a master of non-duality. In a famous quote from his book I Am That he states:
"You are really in search of yourself, without knowing it. You are love-longing for the love-worthy, the perfect loveable. Due to ignorance, you are looking for it in the world of opposites and contradictions. When you find it within, your search will be over."
In the aforementioned quote, Sri Nisargadatta succinctly describes the paradox of the human existence and that inner longing we all have for happiness.
Maya: According to Vedantic philosophy, this is the world of maya, the world of illusion. When we view the human experience through an overly materialistic lens we show that we have forgotten our true value. Sometimes viewing ourselves as empty cups, looking to the outer world for satisfaction and neglecting our precious inner world.
The illusion of external validation
Many of us have been conditioned to believe that love and happiness come from external sources. In today's society inundated with social media and unrealistic beauty standards, it's easy to fall into the trap of comparison and self-doubt. Many individuals find themselves constantly seeking validation and acceptance from others, leading to low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity. But, what if I told you that you have the power to rewire your mind and start viewing yourself in a whole new light?
Discovering love within
When we realize that the love we seek outside of ourselves is already present within, our perspective shifts. We no longer seek validation from others or external sources. Instead, we find contentment and peace from within, knowing that we are inherently worthy of love. The journey of self-discovery and finding love within ourselves can be a challenging one. It requires us to look beyond the surface and dive deep into our own essence. It involves unravelling layers of conditioning to uncover our true authentic selves.
What is self-love?
Self-love is the practice of treating and accepting yourself with kindness, compassion, and understanding, just as you would a close friend or loved one. It involves cultivating a positive and loving relationship with yourself and embracing your unique qualities, strengths, and weaknesses.
Why is self-love important?
Self-love is essential for mental, emotional, and physical well-being. When you love yourself, you prioritize your needs, set healthy boundaries, and have a positive self-image. Without self-love, you may find yourself seeking validation from others, engaging in self-destructive behaviours, and experiencing low self-esteem. By practicing self-love, you can improve your relationships, enhance your confidence, and cultivate a deeper sense of self-worth.
How to cultivate self-love?
1. Developing awareness
The first step towards cultivating self-love is becoming aware of the negative belief systems that govern your thoughts and actions.
Some common signs of negative belief systems that may indicate a lack of self-love include:
Constantly seeking approval from others: Do you often ask for validation or reassurance from others? Do you feel like you need someone else's approval to feel good about yourself?
Overly critical of your appearance: Do you frequently criticize your body, skin, hair, or other physical features? Do you feel like you're never good enough?
Self-doubt: Do you often doubt your abilities, talents, or accomplishments? Do you feel like you're not capable of achieving your goals?
Fear of being rejected or judged: Do you often worry about being rejected or judged by others? Do you feel like you need to hide your true self to avoid being criticized?
If you've identified with any of these signs, don't worry! It's not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign that you're ready to start working on building a more positive and loving relationship with yourself. Talking with a certified life coach can be an essential step in helping to cultivate self-awareness and initiate a shift from negative self-talk.
2. Reframe negative self-talk
The subconscious mind is a powerful force that operates beneath our conscious awareness, influencing our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. It's often the source of our deeply ingrained beliefs, values, and attitudes, which can be rooted in our childhood experiences, upbringing, and cultural influences.
By acknowledging the role of our subconscious mind in shaping our beliefs, we can begin to uncover the underlying patterns and conditioning that may be holding us back from fully embracing ourselves. This awareness can be incredibly liberating, allowing us to:
Recognize and challenge negative self-talk and self-criticism.
Reframe limiting beliefs and replace them with more empowering and compassionate ones.
Develop a greater sense of self-awareness and understanding.
Cultivate self-acceptance and love by acknowledging our inherent worth and value.
Examples of reframing limiting beliefs include:
Instead of "I'm not good enough," say "I'm doing my best, and that's good enough."
Instead of "I'm not worthy of love," say "I am worthy of love and respect, from myself and others."
Instead of "I'll never be successful," say "I'll learn from my mistakes and take steps towards my goals."
3. Embrace your spiritual identity
Our egoic identity is often associated with our external selves, our roles, and our social personas. It's the part of us that is deeply invested in how we look, what we do, and what others think of us. Our egoic identity is driven by a desire for recognition, validation, and control, which can lead to feelings of insecurity, competition, and stress. This part of us is ever-changing.
On the other hand, our spiritual identity is connected to our inner selves, our true nature, and our essence. It's the part of us that is aware of our interconnectedness with all of life, our oneness with the universe, and our unique purpose and potential. Our spiritual identity is guided by a sense of inner peace, compassion, and wisdom. This part of us is everlasting.
Practical tips for shifting from the egoic identity to the spiritual identity:
Establish a regular meditation practice: Start with short sessions (10-15 minutes) and gradually increase the duration as you become more comfortable with meditation.
Focus on the breath: Bring your attention to your breath, observing its natural flow without judgment or attachment. When the mind wanders, gently bring it back to the breath.
Observe your thoughts and emotions: As you meditate, notice your thoughts and emotions without getting caught up in them. Recognize that they're just mental constructs and not reflections of your true nature.
Practice mindfulness: Cultivate mindfulness by being present in each moment, without judgment or reaction. This will help you detach from the egoic identity and connect with the present moment.
Embrace impermanence: Recognize that everything in life is impermanent, including your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations. This will help you let go of attachment and identification with the egoic identity.
Cultivate compassion and love: As you meditate, practice sending compassion and love to yourself, others, and all beings. This will help you connect with your spiritual identity and feel a sense of unity with all existence.
Seek guidance: Explore various spiritual teachings, such as Buddhism, Taoism, or Christianity, which can provide valuable insights into the nature of reality and the human condition.
4. Drop the comparison
Comparison is a poison that can drain our energy, sap our confidence, and make us feel like we're not good enough. When we compare ourselves to others, we're essentially saying that we're not enough just as we are. We're implying that we need to be more like someone else to be worthy. But the truth is, you're unique and have your own journey. Your path is not the same as anyone else's, and that's what makes you special. You have your own strengths, weaknesses, and experiences that shape who you are today.
5. Affirm your inherent worth
Practical Exercise: Take a moment to gaze into the mirror with your hand over your heart and repeat the following affirmations to yourself:
"I am created in the image of God, and my imperfections are a beautiful reflection of my uniqueness. I am worthy of love and acceptance, just as I am, without condition or apology."
6. Practice gratitude
Gratitude is a key component in creating an open space for love and connection. When we cultivate a sense of gratitude, we attract wonderful experiences into our lives. By connecting with the love within ourselves, we allow the universe to bring new opportunities into our lives
There are many aspects to be grateful for in life. Acknowledging our imperfections reminds us that we're not perfect and that's okay.
“Start viewing your perceived flaws as divine uniqueness”, Dr. Varma Brent Samodee
Considering our unique circumstances, we have all been blessed with different aspects of life, such as health, wealth, intelligence, relationships, and environment.
Take a step back and gain a higher perspective: the person you may be idealizing may not have the life you imagine they do. So, shift your focus inward and reflect on the things you're grateful for in your own life.
7. Setting healthy boundaries
Are you constantly feeling overwhelmed and drained by the demands of others? Do you find it hard to say no and often end up overextending yourself? It may be time to set healthy boundaries in your life. Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
What are healthy boundaries?
Healthy boundaries are limits that we set for ourselves in various aspects of our lives. These boundaries define acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, both from ourselves and others. By setting boundaries, we communicate our needs, values, and expectations clearly, fostering healthier relationships and reducing stress and conflict. Setting boundaries is not about being selfish or uncaring; it's about self-respect and self-care. Boundaries help us create a sense of balance and prevent others from taking advantage of us. They allow us to prioritize our well-being and protect our energy from being drained by toxic relationships and situations.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Identify Your Limits: The first step in setting healthy boundaries is to identify your limits and needs. What makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed? What are your priorities and values?
Communicate Clearly: Once you have identified your boundaries, communicate them clearly and assertively. Express your needs and expectations to others without fear or guilt.
Learn to Say No: Saying no is essential for setting healthy boundaries. Remember that it's okay to decline requests that don't align with your values or priorities.
Practice Self-Care: Setting boundaries also means taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Prioritize your well-being and make time for activities that nourish your soul.
Be Consistent: Consistency is key when it comes to setting boundaries. Enforce them consistently and don't waiver, even when faced with resistance or pushback.
8. Finally, surround yourself with people who value and appreciate you
When we're not valued or respected, it can be a lonely and isolating experience. However, we have the power to choose who we surround ourselves with.
So, what type of relationships do you want to form? Do you want superficial connections or deep, meaningful ones?
To form deep relationships with others, you must first form a deep relationship with yourself. Take some time to get to know yourself – your passions, interests, and what brings you joy. What do you enjoy doing in your free time? Once you have a better understanding of who you are, the next step is to express this to the world. How can others get to know you if you don't know yourself?
Embracing the journey ahead
Are you ready to embark on this transformative journey to self-love? With dedication, practice, and support, you can start to see yourself through the lens of love and compassion. As your coach, I am here to walk alongside you, offering guidance, encouragement and belief in your ability to shine bright as a valuable and worthy soul.
Take the first step and book a coaching call with me today!
Also, if you've read my article, I'd love to hear your thoughts on what you found most helpful or thought-provoking. Feel free to reach out to me on Instagram if you have any further questions.
Read more from Dr. Varma Brent Samodee
Dr. Varma Brent Samodee, Transformational Life Coach
Dr. Samodee is a certified life coach whose mission is to help others become the best versions of themselves. He views life as a journey of consciousness, where individual consciousness merges with the universal consciousness, akin to a drop of rain returning to the ocean, symbolizing the ultimate union of the self with the universe.
With a compassionate and lighthearted approach to spirituality, Dr. Samodee skillfully bridges the gap between the spiritual and material realms, empowering clients to achieve their goals and reclaim their inner power. He firmly believes that we are co-creators of our reality, and through conscious effort, we can shape our future.
