Written by: Sue Plumtree, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The question “How can I make love last forever?” has been one of those questions asked by countless couples all over the world.
It has also been said that marriage requires work but what does that mean in practice?
This article goes a little way to try and answer this particular question.
Let me start with a personal story.
My parents were married for 50 years and they absolutely adored each other.
I have a photo which I took on their 50th anniversary.
They’re sitting side by side looking really stiff. I try to direct the photo session.
“Loosen up! Look at each other! Smile!” but it didn’t work.
Frustrated I call for a break.
Immediately they both relax. My Mum puts her head on Dad’s shoulder while he looks at her with such blinding love in his eyes that I’m moved to tears.
I click the button and their love is there for all to see – forever.
When I was young I used to notice that my Mum always wore lipstick. She drummed it into me that a woman should always make herself look attractive for her husband and I never saw my Dad unshaven, even on weekends.
But beyond that, they never put the other down. They always showed a lot of affection for each other as well as appreciation and respect.
There was solid history between them when they were first married in 1938.
They’d been in mortal danger when they were forced to flee Prague just before the invasion of the Nazis and hid in the jungles of Bolivia to see how the war would pan out before deciding where to go next. They did whatever was needed to survive.
My Mum regarded my Dad as a hero and looked up to him – and that never changed. In turn, Dad regarded my Mum as a firm companion however dire the circumstances and, believe me, in Argentina in the Fifties, the circumstances were dire in the extreme.
But it appears that today’s marriages are different.
For one thing, the question “How can I make love last forever?” doesn’t come up very often.
I wonder if ‘forever’ is part of many couples’ thinking any longer.
That might be because we have no long-term strong and loving role models or because we bring a lot of baggage to our relationships so it’s easy to get triggered when our buttons are inadvertently pushed.
Or it could be because we never learned what it takes to build a strong and loving relationship or the minefields that can trip us up.
Also, we’re unaware of our Gremlin which attacks our sense of self-worth or goes in search of everything that’s wrong with our relationship or with our partner.
Worse still, whenever we do take the initiative to try and improve things, our Gremlin springs to life and screams dire warnings of everything that will go wrong if we take the risk – rejection, failure, frustration, looking foolish, and more.
The problem is that we’re not aware of our mindset nor have we learned the communication skills that enable us to navigate the ups and downs of relationships.
We start relationships loving everything about our new partner, valuing and appreciating the things they say and do for us, and then gradually taking those things for granted and focusing mostly on the things that irritate us about them.
Inevitably, over time, the gulf grows wider.
One of the things I learned the hard way is that, unintentionally, I trained Bill, my ex-husband, how to behave towards me.
I’ll start my example with a joke to lighten things up:
“A mother is pushing a pram down the street carrying her 10-year-old child.
A woman approaches her and says, with sympathy, “how unfortunate your son is disabled and can’t walk!”.
The mother looks indignant and replies, “Of course, he can walk! He just doesn’t have to.”
Not so funny when it’s you doing it or rather, me.
In my misguided belief that I was loving, I did things for my ex-husband, Bill that he was perfectly capable of doing for himself.
In the end, he stopped contributing to the marriage altogether.
He became totally passive and I became resentful.
I have another example, this one from a close male mate.
It was a gift hearing this example from him because we can’t see what we’re doing, especially when we don’t mean to hurt our loved one so I got to see it from my friend’s perspective:
This is what he told me.
“Angela has this habit of talking to me as if I were an irresponsible child, using a disapproving tone of voice.
Sometimes she rebukes me even in public. I’ve told her how that makes me feel and she does stop but it doesn’t last. I feel completely undermined and I have lost my confidence.”
I felt really sad for my friend.
What struck me was not only how Angela related to him but the fact that she didn’t seem to take him seriously when he told her, repeatedly, that he objected to being spoken to like that, especially in front of friends.
One factor may be that my friend and Angela got together when they were both over sixty. She had not been in a relationship for some years by which time she got used to having things her own way, hardly conducive to harmony.
This is the point I’m trying to make:
Bill, my ex never stood up to me and just became passive-aggressive. Worse, he denied anything was wrong however many times I asked.
My friend David did speak up but perhaps not firmly enough because he was afraid of conflict.
In this scenario, it’s a good idea to walk in our partner’s shoes so it’s useful to ask ourselves every once in a while, “how would I feel if he or she talked to me like that?”
Here are 7 ideas to answer the question “How can I make love last forever?”
1. Introduce some tender non-sexual gestures.
2. Introduce random acts of kindness, like bringing them a cup of tea, offering to make dinner or wash the dishes, or whatever you know your partner would appreciate.
3. Start paying attention to how you talk to your partner and try to walk in their shoes. Ask yourself, “what is it like to be at the receiving end of me?”
4. Deliberately start focusing on the things you like and admire about your partner – and show them your appreciation.
5. If you think you know everything there is to know about them, think again.
Become curious. Ask them why they think the way they do, and why they hold a particular opinion. Ask open questions that start with why what or how.
6. Listen without judging.
7. Share your own ideas.
Points 5-7 could form the basis of new and interesting conversations. You may learn things about your partner you never knew before.
And that’s just the start. Plus, you know what they say, practice makes perfect so start practicing!
The point of this article is this.
If you want to rekindle love in your marriage then you are the one who has to take the initiative.
It may not be fair but the only person you can control is yourself. The challenge you have to face is becoming aware of the habits that cause damage but the good news is that you don’t have to struggle all by yourself.
I’m happy to offer you a complimentary one-hour coaching session with no strings attached.
Email me at sue@sueplumtree.com or call/text me at +44 7903 795027
You’ll have the opportunity to slow down and figure out how to start.
Sue Plumtree, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sue’s passion is to enable people to build strong and loving relationships.
Her third book, ‘Open Your Heart: The 7 Secrets Of Strong And Loving Relationships’ is getting 5* reviews on Amazon.
Sue was unhappily married for 37 years when she finally left aged 60.
Over the following 10 years, she built a successful coaching practice working with people over 50, wrote her autobiography, and built solid friendships.
In December 2015 aged 70, she met Dave, her best friend, lover, soulmate, and now her husband.
As a prolific writer and regular blogger, Sue shares her painfully acquired wisdom about what works and doesn’t work in a relationship as well as how it affects our emotional, mental health, and wellbeing.
She also loves writing about how to build strong, loving, and long-lasting relationships both from personal experience as well as research articles and longitudinal studies.
Sue is a personal relationship coach, trainer, facilitator, and published author.
