Written by: Taryn Rachel, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
A few years ago I booked an appointment with a therapist. As I sat down, she asked me what brought me to therapy. My answer was simply, “When people ask me “what’s new with you”, or “how are you”, I don’t know how to respond.” It felt so ridiculous to speak out loud. I half expected her to say, “Get out of my office, I have people with real problems.” Yet, this idea had eaten at me for months: I don’t know how to talk about myself. I knew I wanted stronger relationships, but with low self-awareness, I wasn’t sure how to get there.
The thought of sharing what was going on with me felt selfish. I had gotten really good at being there for other people. But without proper boundaries and prioritizing my own needs as well, it only fostered my belief that others were more important and that I did not matter.
How could I be so in tune with others but completely lack understanding myself?
As I sat in session after session, what became clear was how much I didn’t know about myself. So, I want to ask you the question that piqued interest in my self-awareness journey: Does your level of openness strengthen or hinder your relationships?
Below the surface
Walking into that therapy office, my goal wasn’t: learn how to be functionally conversational when people asked me questions. It was deeper than that. What I wanted was to understand this craving for depth that I could so easily bring out of others, but seemed to be constantly elusive when it came to being emotionally honest with myself.
There was a pivotal moment where I realized this was not only a nice wish but an essential skill for propelling intimacy. Past trauma had resurfaced and my partner was looking for guidance on how to support me. I found myself unable to put words to the absolute uprootedness my spirit was experiencing. With no way of understanding or communicating my own feelings, it not only left me at a loss for navigating my way forward, but it left my partner at a loss for what was happening with me. Since this day I’ve seen how the power of naming and sharing what’s happening within either hinders or increases closeness. Each of these times, the outcome has hinged on me trusting someone with my fragility when it feels safer to hide it away for myself. It also hinges on my willingness to learn crucial skills like trigger awareness, conflict transformation and effective communication.
Okay. Maybe I’m not 100% emotionally honest with myself. Could it really be a block in my relationships?
When you’re with your person or closest friend, do you long for richer conversation but don’t know how to go there?
Or maybe it doesn’t feel that profound. You couldn’t begin to name the last time you had a big emotion. But your partner says things like, “I feel like I don’t know you”, or “just tell me what you’re feeling, I never know what’s happening in your head” and you’re not sure where to go from there.
What about when someone tries to pull a layer back of your story, do you pull away entirely?
We all desire to be known wholeheartedly, and yet it’s one of the most exposing, raw experiences. It opens you up to intimacy and closeness. But it also can lead to immense hurt that stays tender well beyond the first betrayal. No wonder it feels easier to sink into the wallpaper instead of exploring what could be. Vulnerability is risky.
So how do I begin to deepen my relationships?
Before you go there, growing in self-awareness and intimacy isn’t about trying harder. It’s about trying different.
Trying harder asks that you continue striving in your relationships to feel a sense of control over the outcome. Whereas, trying different looks like embracing the reality that your personal growth influences your relationships; and then taking consistent, intentional action toward becoming who you want to be. Are you willing to get risky if you knew it led to personal and relational depth?
Trying different: 7 practical steps to develop self-awareness that strengthens your relationships
This looks like any and all of the below risk levels. Discern where you are currently at, then choose your own journey for your next step depending on your comfort level:
1. Lowest risk: Notice your personal patterns
What tendencies do you have? What obstacles seem to continually circle back around? When it comes to relationships, this could be a pattern of breaking up when things get hard, an inability to name your emotions, or even loving unconditionally people who don’t return that same affection. These patterns over time reveal your tendencies. Tendencies point to areas that may need attention.
2. Low risk: Take note of how ‘known’ you feel in your closest relationships.
What behaviors make you feel known and cared about? When these behaviors show up, what is your response internally (comfort, I shut down, etc.)? With this information, think about how you want to react. What needs to happen for you to get where you want to be?
Note: When you feel known by people, that means you’ve shared personal experiences and/or feelings with them. If you don’t feel known in current relationships, you can still complete the exercise above!
3. Moderate risk: Maintaining momentum in the awareness stage.
Great, so you are now paying attention to your go-to behaviors and responses that either increase or decrease the feeling of connection with others. People find themselves either in hyper-awareness at this stage or struggling to grasp new awareness. For both, practicing where to put your focus can lead to greater discernment.
For hyper-aware folks, this can be an overwhelming stage where it is easy to analyze your every move and either deem it good or bad. The encouragement here is to pay attention to your behaviors and use it for information, not self-judgment. That small mindset shift is the key that will keep you moving forward instead of staying stuck in self-loathing.
For those struggling to build awareness, focus on the small things. That fleeting flutter inside you that spiked your anger, sadness or excitement for even a second is worth paying attention to. Big awareness is built in small moments. When you’ve become dull to the small things, it can take time to reattune yourself to sensitivities necessary for building awareness. Try asking yourself, “if I had to take a guess, where did that flutter come from?” It’s okay to take a guess and see if the label fits. Don’t focus on getting the feeling right. It’s more about exercising the ability to notice and name the emotion.
4. Medium risk: Name it.
The easy button is to deny the roadblock. There’s power in owning your barriers, story and decisions. It can sound like, “I think I have a tendency to make jokes and avoid others when they come too close” or for me it was, “I’m comfortable listening to other people more because what I have to say doesn’t matter”. Bonus points for owning your stuff without justification or defensiveness.
5. Getting very risky.
Begin learning about what and who shaped you. Or in other words, why are you the way you are? This is a life-long journey that builds compounded awareness. There’s some insights that can only be drawn out from being asked questions by other people for the purpose of growth. With new awareness, you can dismantle long-time unhealthy patterns that have been hurdles to moving forward individually and in relationships.
6. Definitely high risk: Dip your toe into vulnerability.
This looks different for everyone. It can look like sharing your list of behaviors that help you feel known or that you matter. Vulnerability can also be sharing a past experience, a current emotion or sitting in a heavy moment without moving to fix or end it out of uncomfortability.
Bonus: Get curious about what makes you feel unloved. Share that with someone you’d like to grow more sincere with.
7. Now THAT’S risky: Invite a new perspective.
Ask someone close to you what they’ve noticed about you that may be a blindspot. This person should be someone whom you trust whose perception of you is well-rounded but that would be willing to say hard things. Before this you will want to prepare your mindset to ask questions with curiosity instead of leading with defensiveness since your goal is ultimately information you can put into action.
After pursuing my own ongoing growth journey, I’ve learned that building awareness takes guts. But after coaching clients for six years, I’ve learned that each of us is a risk-taker – and it doesn’t matter where you start, as long as you begin.
You and all your relationships will thank you.
Hi there, I’m Taryn! As a Relationship Coach, I’m boldly passionate about people discovering more of who they are for the purpose of healing. When we heal, we create a lasting ripple effect of health, not harm to our relationships.
If you share that vision for your relationships but feel stuck with how to shift current dynamics, schedule a free 30-minute exploratory call with me now! Let’s begin together.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info!
Taryn Rachel, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Taryn is a community activator, Jesus-following, latte-loving, relationship & trigger healing coach. After years of half-living, she has continued learning to navigate her own trauma with grace and purpose. Taryn has experienced how trauma impacts relationships and also how it can be a catalyst for deep intimacy. Compiling her self-created, proven strategies around healing trauma, triggers and shame, she urges others to try different and invite others into their stories. She now lives out her passion giving others a compass and being a champion as they embark on their own healing journey. Through coaching, courses and interactive resources, she equips others worldwide to boldly live on purpose in a way that serves YOU and everyone you influence.
