Written by: Eszter Zsiray, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
This is the question that humankind has been asking for thousands of years now and the ultimate answer is still not found: how to find happiness? While it might not be as simple as reading an article about it and then just following the steps, these tips can bring you closer to it by giving you a new perspective on what to do and what not to do when seeking for happiness.
What is happiness for you?
First of all, you need to be crystal-clear what happiness means for you and what you are after. Too often we are after goals that we think would bring us happiness but these are not exactly our goals but our parents’ or our society’s ideas about how we should live our lives. In the Western civilization this would typically mean having a good education and great marks, having a well-paying job, having a nice house or apartment, having a fit and attractive body, getting a nice car, getting married and having children. Oh, and having enough likes and followers. With fulfilling all these you will have everything anyone has dreamed about, won’t you?
But what if you had followed the guidelines and you have everything that should make you happy, and still, you are not? Your super job is stressful, your kids are sweet but noisy and need high-maintenance and your home is chaotic and you do have your ups and downs in your marriage. This is not as you imagined, or maybe the problem is with you that you can’t be happy?
According to research on happiness by Laurie Santos, we have quite a lot of cognitive biases built into our thinking that predict false happiness so it is very important to be aware of those. So many of us fall for the promised happiness and then end up disappointed and feeling guilty that nothing is enough for them. You have the expectations to be happy when you will get great marks at school, or if you had a relationship or if you had children or if you had a promotion or if you earned more money. Well, breaking news, these things won’t significantly change your happiness level in the long term. They might bring you joy for a while but as human nature is, after a while you get used to these again.
So if the things you expect to bring happiness don’t make you sing in the shower every morning, what will actually make you happy?
1. Acceptance
Accept that nothing is wrong with you if the above mentioned things don’t fulfil you and don’t beat yourself up as you had done the best you could to build up your life – and now you can still turn it around and make better, conscious decisions about how you want to live your life.
Coaching tip: get clear about your own biases. Write down what were your expectations as a child or a young adult about happiness and what happened when you achieved those. What were the things that indeed fulfilled you and what brought you only a quick satisfaction? Then write a list of the things you expect to make you happy NOW. Open up yourself to the possibility that those are also false promises of pleasure and question if those would be enough for you to be happy.
2. Experiences versus objects
According to studies on happiness, experiences make us way happier than any objects that we can purchase, especially if we can look forward to them and share them with others. Set up happiness goals that would really serve your contentment. Sit down and think it over, what makes you really happy? What brings you joy on the weekdays? What activities you enjoy the most, what activities give you the flow when time just flies and you don’t even realise that you are busy with one thing for hours?
Coaching tip: Design how your dream life would look like, what would bring you joy. You can plan what activities, experiences or events would make it perfect, how much social life, family time or me-time would you need to have the perfect week. Then, nothing is left but see what you can do about it to make the perfect week happen.
3. Gratitude
Gratitude has an incredibly powerful effect on your emotional wellbeing. Focusing on the positive things in your life and actually feeling grateful for all those will shift your way of thinking and will help you to be a more positive person. Instead of counting your bad luck and all the things that aren’t exactly as you expected or are missing from your life, change your focus on what you have. You most probably live in abundance, it is just the question of realising it.
Coaching tip: start every day with 10 minutes of gratitude when you deeply feel how blessed you are with all the treasures you have. Say thank you for the small things like the sunshine on the leaves in front of your window or for big things like people in your life or your body and your health. You can always use negative visualisation to appreciate them more: imagine how your life would be without the blessings you have and feel grateful for them as a new morning habit.
4. Kindness
Do you remember the last time when you selflessly helped someone out? Maybe you just gave a coin and a smile to the street musician, or you volunteered to mentor adolescents, or you listened to someone who really needed it or you regularly donate to ONGs. Can you recall how it felt? A simple act of kindness brings joy to you and also, you do something good for others so this is a win-win situation.
Coaching tip: fill up your days with kind acts. It can be small as giving unexpected positive feedback to the people around you or it can be huge as dedicating your time to volunteer weekly. Do it on a regular basis and take the time to actually observe the positive feelings resulting from your acts.
5. Purpose
Having a clear life purpose is the key in happiness. It is the reason to get out of bed every morning with a smile on your face, it liberates such energies that couldn’t be mobilised when you simply just go with the flow. It creates a direction, a motivation, brings you clarity and makes you more confident and resilient on your journey as you will become someone who knows what s/he wants and where s/he is heading to in life.
Coaching tip: take the time to think it over what is your life purpose, what is the value you bring into this world. What is that inner drive inside you that makes you passionate and excited? It might be a huge impact or a small one, but what is or what could be your impact if you’d live up to your potential? Everyone, I repeat, everyone brings value – so what is yours and what life purpose will it define for you? I know this can be hard to answer but it is worth to find the answers as having a clear purpose in life is like having a lighthouse guiding you through the stormy sea.
6. Social connections
You might be introverted or a loner but still you are a human being meaning that you are a social creature so you need social connections to be contented. The pandemic showed better than anything how much we all need the company of other humans. You might be choosy on whose company you actually enjoy but having close and meaningful connections will raise your happiness level and will give you the fulfilling sensation of belonging. Even superficial connections improve our mood like talking to a stranger on the bus or chatting with the shopkeeper during your daily shopping.
Coaching tip: think over your relationships and see how you can take care of them or even improve them. What could you do to express your love to the people around you? How could you find more occasions to meet up with friends, family instead of juggling between work, school, house chores and other duties?
7. Mind control
And finally, you are the only one who can influence what is in your head, what thoughts and feelings you have in a day. There are two main reasons why you would want to control your mind. First of all, that is your choice if you fill up your head with positive thoughts where you think of life as a great adventure and you focus on the positive side or you can rather spend time complaining and being miserable. Also, according to the above mentioned research you might find yourself more troubled and nervous when your mind is wandering and you are all over the place, just shifting your thoughts from a recent conversation to a future task and then to another future event, while with focusing on the here and now and be in the present you just feel carefree and joyful.
Coaching tip: practise meditation and mindfulness to learn to be in the here and now and learn to stop your mind wondering. There are great apps with free guided meditations for beginners that will help you to concentrate on your breathing and your body and basically just be present.
These tips might be time consuming and sometimes they can seem hard to follow through day after day, but what could be a higher priority than working on your own happiness and therefore making the world a better place?
Eszter Zsiray, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Eszter Zsiray is a Certified Life Coach, author, blogger and creator of the program VELL©, supporting her clients on three continents to successfully transform their lives.
With 17+ years of leadership experience she is passionate about human potential and growth. Her research areas are ownership & responsibility, self-sabotaging behaviours, the positive impact of confidence and empowerment, growth mindset and healthy habits for a mental and physical wellbeing.
As a mother herself she is committed to serve women and mums and she created a special programme for new mothers to adjust to the new life challenges and a programme for women entrepreneurs to shift into the proper mindset and to thrive in their professional and personal lives.
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