Written by Simone Eiman, Life Coach
Simone Eiman, the founder of Emerald Connection Life Coaching, specialises in positive self-worth, emotional well-being and consciousness coaching.
Why do we seek validation from others and is it addictive? Are the relentless demands of social media metrics likes, shares and applause or are societal expectations an all-consuming force by which you affirm and validate your choices? Unfortunately, the need for external validation is rampant. However, amidst all this noise, there is an inward journey that transcends social pressures and conditioning and instead embraces your inherent worth as a human being. True validation begins from within. In this article, I explore the importance of balancing internal and external validation in shaping your self-worth, offering strategies and reflective prompts to nurture your sense of worth.
What is external approval?
Simply stated, self-worth is your internal appraisal and belief in your inherent value as a person, how you value yourself. It defines your sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging. External validation refers to our reliance on external sources to affirm our worth and validate our actions and decisions in life. This includes but is not limited to others’ opinions, expectations, recognition, acknowledgement and approval which we seek so we feel accepted or validated. We seek validation through compliments, statuses, academic or professional achievements, material wealth, and social media indicators such as the number of likes and followers.
As humans, we are inherently social and our desire for acceptance, affirmation from others and a sense of belonging are deep-seated in our psyche. From early childhood, we are conditioned to thrive on external validation: from our parents, educators, various carers and society in general. In our infancy, this validation is important as it encourages us to thrive and grow so that we take our first and next steps after the validation is received for taking that first step.
However, we were not taught to validate ourselves: we learnt to seek validation externally, bringing with it the concept of people-pleasing that often extends to all spheres of life such as our relationships, friendships and professional careers. We learn that we are doing well or fitting in by meeting the expectations and receiving the validation of those around us. But this poses a problem in our adult lives when we engage in and seek out activities mostly to receive this validation. This reliance on external validation can be problematic in that:
You place your self-worth in others’ hands, which is based on inconsistent external opinions, circumstances and expectations; which gives rise to a never-ending cycle of approval-seeking behaviour.
This external validation is conditional in that it is based on meeting certain external expectations and criteria which can create feelings of insecurity and inadequacy should the desired validation not be received or if you fail to meet the criteria or expectations.
In the pursuit of validation, we may also find that we compare ourselves to others since we measure our worth to others and social standards. Again, this fuels feelings of insecurity, envy and inadequacy which erodes self-esteem and confidence.
Without a strong sense of worth, our vulnerability to and fear of criticism or rejection can lead to a cycle of constantly seeking validation and approval from others. External validation provides fleeting gratification or validation while true self-worth and fulfilment come from within.
Learning to validate yourself based on your values, beliefs and accomplishments is essential for developing a strong sense of worth and resilience in the face of external criticism. This involves building self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-compassion while recognising that your worth is inherent and independent of others’ opinions, validations or expectations. How we define ourselves and our success in life depends on the mindset we hold.
A personal story
When I think back to junior school, I received a gold star for an assignment or a job well done. At no point in my junior school career do I recall that I was ever encouraged to appreciate and validate my own achievements. It was always what the teacher thought and felt about my achievement. I also recall the elation with which I would share my gold star achievement when I arrived home.
As a young child, these gold stars set the bar against which I would measure others’ acceptance and acknowledgement of my efforts. So it’s no surprise that to maintain that level of validation I continuously aimed for the gold stars. This mechanism of gaining validation in junior school transferred right through to tertiary education. During my schooling career, I was not encouraged to validate myself by reflecting on the job that I’ve done so well for the assignment or task that was accomplished. Naturally, this led to my constant academic pursuits and being validated for being so disciplined, studious and intellectual.
Now don’t get me wrong: there is nothing wrong with striving for and doing your best - but not to gain external validation and approval. While I enjoy learning, exploring various topics and getting to the heart of issues, I realised through my self-discovery journey why the validation and the recognition I received from family, friends and colleagues about my studies was so important to me. The label of disciplined, conscientious and dedicated student fit my personal label and fortified my self-worth. But at this stage, my worth was dependent on the external feedback I was receiving and would need to be consistently validated.
Redefining success: Shifting your mindset
The day I walked off stage with my Master's degree I asked myself: “So, where to from here?” The obvious path was to pursue a PhD, but I just didn't feel that that's what I wanted to do as I had started shedding the need for external validation based on my academics. While accumulating knowledge, experience and other skills were still important, chasing degrees started feeling rather hollow and that's when I realised that I needed to start turning the validation inward.
When we pursue our growth from a growth mindset and in alignment with our own values rather than external expectations and validation, the focus shifts beyond just achievement. It encompasses the growth, learning and insights we gain throughout the process. Conversely, a fixed mindset limits our growth and confines us to rigid notions of “this is just who I am” or “this is my personality” and stifles our growth since we strive purely for external validation.
This process of reflection allows us to automatically go inward when we start exploring things from a growth mindset. For example, asking yourself: what might I do differently next time and/or what are the repeatable steps that I can implement? is how we validate ourselves through reflection on our personal growth. This process of reflection on what it is that you want to achieve, have achieved, still could achieve, how to do that and what you've learnt from yourself and others is the important part of how to turn the validation inward.
The truth is that we are far more capable than we give ourselves credit for: we have within us an innate intelligence to guide us to the centre of who we truly are and our worth.
How to nurture self-worth in a validation-driven world
Cultivate inner validation
This is fundamental to recognising and affirming your worth. Examining the impact of our conditioning, media portrayals of self-worth and social and cultural expectations on our perceptions of self-worth is crucial in helping us create strategies to disentangle ourselves from the need for external validation. This process is driven by self-awareness and self-reflection to foster more grounded self-acceptance and authenticity, which enables a deeper understanding and evaluation of our values, strengths and dreams.
Turning the examination to our own values and beliefs enables us to prioritise and align
with these as the source of self-validation. This empowers you to shape your identity and sense of worth so you can define your own standard of success and fulfilment.
Self-reflective prompt: Which areas of your life do you feel the strongest need for external validation? What is 1 step you can take to shift your focus toward cultivating inner validation instead?
Self-awareness
Self-awareness encourages us to embrace our “flaws” and view mistakes and
vulnerabilities as fundamental aspects of our self-discovery and growth. When we face our vulnerabilities, “flaws” and strengths we are able to explore strategies to overcome setbacks and develop the resilience to withstand criticism and rejection without compromising our sense of worth. This comes from practising self-compassion and self-acceptance. When approaching from a growth mindset, you treat yourself with more understanding and a kinder inner dialogue that fosters self-compassion and acceptance.
Self-reflective prompt: Which of your personal strengths or qualities do you often overlook when seeking validation from others?
A growth mindset
Based on principles of self-compassion and acceptance, this approach recognizes and celebrates all aspects of personal growth and progress, no matter the size, rather than focusing solely on major achievements. Each milestone accomplished on the journey bolsters your inner validation and authentic self-worth. Furthermore, in a world governed by celebrities, influencers and other social trends, cultivating meaningful relationships based on mutual respect, understanding, acceptance and trust is even more important than ever. Surrounding yourself with people who support and uplift you is far more enriching than the shallow cancel culture that is pervasive these days.
Self-reflective prompt: How can you align your actions and decisions with your values, passions, and strengths to cultivate a deeper sense of self-worth?
Related article: Trapped in the illusion of Authenticity: We all have a dark side
How to achieve a healthy balance in seeking validation
If a dose of external validation is healthy but the potential dependency on it dangerous, how do you establish a healthy balance of internal and external validation? As social beings, external validation contributes to our sense of belonging, social connection and acceptance. When we elevate others’ validation of us or our efforts above our self-validation, we create a dependency on ongoing external validation.
External validation has its place in enriching our social relationships and sense of belonging and affirming our role and place in our social context. This provides motivation and upliftment in certain instances. Think of goal attainment: when we set and share a goal with people close to us, we receive encouragement and support from them, which helps us move from milestone to milestone. In this case, moving on in attaining this goal needs to be a healthy blend of external and internal validation. For example, drawing on your own strength and drive to reach the goal and leaning into external validation and support when the change process becomes a bit difficult.
Our interdependence creates the space to support and encourage one another and, in so doing enrich our relationships and communication. Achieving a balanced approach to validation involves recognising the importance of both external and internal sources of validation while prioritising self-validation.
Here are 7 strategies for achieving a balanced approach to validation
Develop self-awareness: Understanding yourself better can help you discern when external validation aligns with your inner values and when it doesn't.
Make your goals personal: Focus on setting goals that are meaningful to you instead of goals based on external expectations. Celebrate your progress and achievements, regardless of external recognition. Acknowledge and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small.
Be open to feedback: While being open to feedback from others, learn to discern between constructive criticism and baseless negativity. Use this feedback as growth opportunities rather than validation.
Limit comparison: Let go of comparing yourself to others, especially on social media platforms. Focus on your own journey and progress and your unique contribution to the world.
Cultivate supportive relationships: Surround yourself with individuals who value and support you for who you are. Seek out relationships that foster authenticity and encourage self-expression.
Self-reflection: Build a regular practice of reflection to evaluate whether your actions, behaviours and decisions align with your values, beliefs and goals. Course-correct where necessary to stay true to yourself.
Mindfulness: By staying present in the moment and cultivating awareness of what’s going on in your inner world with compassion, you can tune into your inner validation rather than seeking it externally.
Related article: 7 tips to step out of your comfort zone
I hope that the intricacies of external validation and its profound impact on our lives have become clear. It is my sincere hope that amidst all the noise out there you can embark on your inner journey that is so valuable in helping you transcend external pressures and connect with your inherent worth as a human being.
Through the self-reflection prompts and 7 strategies offered, I do hope that you will be well on your way to nurturing your self-worth and striking a healthy balance between internal and external validation.
I urge you to invest in your self-exploration process to tap into the transformative power of self-awareness, resilience and authenticity. By embracing your inherent worth you can reclaim your agency and be better able to navigate the complexities of external validation with grace and resilience, knowing that your worth transcends likes, status, social standards and external accolades. Embrace the uniqueness of who you are and radiate this authenticity to the world, knowing that your worth lies in your essence and not the validation from others.
Start your journey today
If you're ready to embark on your journey of self-discovery to embrace your worth and confidently embrace doing life on your own terms so you just do You and feel more fulfilled, I invite you to book a free coaching call to discuss your options and get to know each other to see if we’re a fit. Or go ahead and follow me on socials for more content.
Read more from Simone Eiman
Simone Eiman, Life Coach
Simone Eiman, a certified life and consciousness coach, empowers clients to build positive self-worth and emotional well-being. Her lifelong journey to mastering self-love and acceptance puts her in a position to assist those dissatisfied or uncomfortable with their appearance, struggling with self-confidence, or feeling stuck by limiting habits, mindsets or patterns. Her mission is to facilitate mindset shifts and behaviour patterns, enabling meaningful action and alignment with personal authenticity: being perfectly you and not perfect by society’s standards.
