Sandtrice D. Russell is a seasoned mental health professional with nearly 20 years of experience in the helping industry. She is the founder of Unique Destiny Counseling, a virtual counseling practice, the author of the Minding my Own Mental Health Journal, published in 2024, and the host of the Self-Aware & F**ked Up Podcast™.
Let’s face it, dealing with grief during the holiday season sucks. There’s no pretty way to say it because it can be one of the most painful experiences, you’ll ever experience second only to the initial loss itself. Learning to navigate through holidays after the death of a loved one can be extremely challenging. It takes a lot of time to truly process your feelings and give yourself the space to heal. It is often most difficult to cope with grief during the holidays immediately after the loss of a loved one, but it can impact you for many years depending on the level of significance.
In this article, we'll explore the many challenges that come with navigating through holidays after the loss of a loved one as well as strategies that you can implement to help you get through this difficult time in your life.
What is grief?
Grief is an emotional response to the loss of a loved one, experience, or anything of value. It is a universal human experience that every single person on earth will experience at some point in their lives. Grief is something that many people don't understand because it is difficult to process the reality of what death truly means. When we lose someone or something that we love we go through multiple stages and there is no linear path to our healing or ultimate acceptance of our loss. Grief doesn't just involve being sad or angry, it can encompass a myriad of emotions in between.
Our grief can manifest itself in many ways. Sometimes the effects can be emotional and include feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, or loneliness. Grief can also be physical and cause us to experience changes in our appetite, sleep, and physical health. One of the common things that happens with grief during the holidays is our behavioral or social responses to the change. Many people choose to isolate themselves during the holiday, which is their right, but this isn't always the best option. Regardless of how grief impacts you, it's important to understand that everybody's journey is different.
Your grief is unique
Grief is a personal journey and your experience with grief is unique to you. I had a podcast guest, Heidi Dunstan, a Certified Grief Educator, speak about this during an episode of the Self Aware & F**ked Up Podcast where we focused on exploring the grieving process. During this episode, she said something that has truly stuck with me since 2023. She said, “Grief is as unique as your fingerprint, no one else has the same fingerprint as you anywhere on this planet and your grief is just as unique as that.”
As you navigate through your grieving process you should know that it is perfectly okay for you to acknowledge your feelings and not feel that you must act in a certain way to not be judged by others. Grief is a tricky thing to navigate so it's important for you to take your time and set realistic expectations around your healing journey. It's fine if you need to take time away from being with family members and friends. It’s also totally acceptable if you decide to start your own traditions. The important thing here is to find solace wherever you are and to be honest with yourself about what you have the capacity to do in this season of your life.
My grief journey
Grief impacts all of us in diverse ways. For some people, after they lose someone, they love, they want to spend time alone and can often isolate themselves from others, especially during the holidays. We are left with the memories of those who have gone on and sometimes we feel that our family traditions must die with the person who we lost. In fact, this was one of the hardest things I had to deal with during my early adulthood.
Growing up Thanksgiving was one of my favorite holidays. I always looked forward to it because I knew that it meant that I would get to go to Atlanta with my dad and the rest of my siblings to visit my grandmother Alice. Every year up until the last Thanksgiving before she passed away this was a ritual and a tradition that I never missed except one time when I was in an abusive relationship.
I can remember vividly the last Thanksgiving that I shared with my grandmother with us sitting at the table enjoying what I knew would likely be the last meal that she prepared for us. It was a challenging time but the one thing that I hold on to is the fact that we were granted the ability to know that the end was coming because she was faced with terminal cancer. Your experience with grief may be different than mine, however you must recognize that just because we lose someone does not mean that it has to change your outlook on the holidays permanently.
For the first couple of years after my grandmother passed away the holidays were bad. My immediate family tried to make the best of it; unfortunately, three years later it got even worse when we experienced the sudden loss of my aunt Mary Alice. I can honestly say that Thanksgiving has not been the same for me since 2018. Nevertheless, I've learned ways to cope, and I think it's important for all of us to explore things that we can do to help us through the holidays.
Honor your loved one’s memory
One vital way that you can navigate through grief differently during the holidays is by finding a way to honor your loved one’s memory. When my wife and I first started dating back in 2017 it was shortly after the loss of her father. I remember doing this time wondering how in the world she was open and able to be in a new relationship after such a significant loss. One of the things that I learned from her is truly being able to celebrate our loved ones' lives and honor them by doing things that they enjoyed while putting our own spin on it. You can choose to do simple things; it doesn't have to be anything super elaborate. It’s all about finding something that they love and being able to do it in a way that feels good for you.
For a lot of people, both Thanksgiving and Christmas are meaningful, and many people share family traditions. It can be difficult to move forward when you experience a significant loss, especially if the person that you lost had a strong affinity for that holiday. One way that I’ve chosen to honor my Grandmother Alice on her favorite holiday is by preparing her famous collard greens and sharing them with my friends and family. My grandmother loved to cook and everything Thanksgiving and New Year’s I cook up a fresh batch of collards in her honor.
Some people enjoy watching holiday movies that they remember watching with their loved ones or going to pick out a Christmas tree and decorating it with family and friends. Whether it’s cooking up a batch of their favorite dessert, singing Christmas carols, or going as a group to feed the homeless, find a way to honor them and the spirit of the holiday.
Be mindful of social interactions
Remember to be kind to yourself during the holidays and do not add too much to your social calendar. I know it can be easy to go too far to one side or the other when it comes to social interactions. Be mindful that sometimes in social interactions too many stimuli can distract you, but it can also cause you to miss your loved one even more because you're reminded that they aren't present during these meaningful moments. We sometimes feel like we have to put on a smiling face because we don't want to dampen the mood but it's important to let those around you know when you're having a moment so that you can excuse yourself if needed to focus on your self-care. Set boundaries with yourself and don't push yourself to do too much too soon.
On the other hand, it's equally important to ensure that you are not completely isolating yourself from others. The holidays are a time of connectivity and celebration and while it is perfectly fine to mourn the loss of those that are near and dear to you, it's also equally important for you to connect with those who are still here and love you. The key to this is maintaining balance. Don't overdo your social interactions but try not to isolate yourself as well. This is something that I was very guilty of during the first couple of years after the loss of my grandmothers. On holidays, birthdays, and Mother’s Day, I always wanted to stay in bed and cry or go to work to avoid having to deal with my own emotions by pouring into others. Be sure to take the time that you need to take care of yourself, but don't avoid dealing with your feelings.
One of the other key things that are crucial during these times is ensuring that you're attending to your self-care. During the holidays it can be easy to get out of your routine because you may be off work, and you may not have the same responsibilities that you have in your day-to-day life. Being off of your routine can have some adverse effects if you don't allow yourself to slow down or to be present. The holidays are a wonderful time to focus on rest and relaxation because grief takes a lot out of you during these times. I strongly encourage you to identify things that help you to feel like your best self and to take time to self-soothe and pour into yourself.
On those busier days when you are having a lot of interactions with others it is critical that you set aside some time for yourself. This is especially imperative if you are a parent and have to care for others. It is important to communicate your need for time and space and you can use this time to pour into yourself via journaling, meditation, or exercise to reduce tension.
Good friendships and familial connections are crucial during times of grief. In the past decade, social media has hyped up the concept of having a Friendsgiving and I'm so here for it. Sometimes losing our family members takes so much out of us that we need to lean on our friends, and we need those reminders of the people who are still in our life who love us and care about us. We all know that death is inevitable so finding new traditions and new ways to connect with the people that are here is essential to your healing journey.
Express gratitude
During the holidays I think one of the primary ways of navigating through grief is by identifying the things in your life for which you are thankful. For people who are stuck in distinct phases of the grief cycle, it can cause them to only identify the negative aspects of their life. While it is challenging to lose a loved one practicing gratitude is a meaningful way to bring perspective to the loss. It can be helpful to create a list of the things in your life that you are grateful for at the moment and focus on those things after you've taken the time that you need to process your loss. Another fantastic way to process your grief during the holiday is to remind yourself of the moments that you are grateful to have shared with your loved ones. This may be difficult to do during the first few years of the loss, but it is something that over time you will find easier to explore.
There was a period in my life when I never thought I would be able to enjoy the holidays again. I remember spending time with my wife's family the year that my aunt passed away and I recall being so sad because it reminded me of what I no longer had. The truth is however, I have a ton of other family members who celebrate the holidays and would invite me to be a part of their festivities but all I wanted to do was stay in bed. If you are in that space where you don't want to leave the house and you don't want to be around friends or family, it is common for a season to be in that space. Just like all things grief comes in waves. It is normal to spend some time alone and there may be certain holidays when you don't want to be around other people; just do not make it your new normal.
Create new traditions
Fortunately, nearly ten years after the loss of my grandmother I am in a better place, and I've learned to create new traditions. This year is the first year that my wife and I will be hosting a Friendsgiving and as we were putting this together it truly made me realize how important connection is. The truth is we all will leave this earth at some point but all we have is this present moment. What matters most is how we use these moments and the memories that we make for the future. I feel that deep down there was a part of me that was afraid of allowing myself to enjoy the holidays again because something about it made me feel as if I was not being loyal to my grandmother. It is okay to find moments of joy even in your sadness. There is always light in the darkest of times, it is all about how we survive and navigate through it all.
Whether it is preparing your loved one’s favorite dish, lighting a candle in their memory, or starting an annual trip to change the scenery during the holidays; explore what works for you. One of the new traditions that I have that helps me get through the Christmas holiday is spending time with my family in LaGrange for an annual Christmas Eve seafood boil. This tradition has helped me have something to look forward to for the holiday season each year. Traditions do not have to be huge events; it’s about doing something that is meaningful and brings you comfort during this challenging season of the year.
Give yourself grace
Remember there is no right way to grieve; there is no right way to go through the most challenging events in our lives. The main thing that I want you to focus on is giving yourself compassion, and grace, and allowing yourself to let the people that you have in your life support you through it all. If you find that you need support outside of your friends and family, make sure that you connect with a therapist in your local area to help you process your loss. It is okay to not be okay and to seek help if you need it.
Some losses are more difficult than others and some take more time to heal from. I often tell my clients grief is not something that we get over, it's something that we learn to navigate through. If you find that you are still struggling after many years of navigating through loss don't beat yourself up. Grief does not have a timeline, and it is not linear. If you feel that you are stuck in your grief cycle, I also recommend connecting with a grief support group. It can be helpful to connect with other people who have shared similar experiences or losses. Remember healing takes time and grief is painful. Be patient with yourself, acknowledge your feelings, and attend to your emotional well-being.
Stages of grief
During the holidays you may find yourself experiencing all five stages of grief and it can easily feel like you haven’t made any progress at all since your loss. You may be experiencing some feelings of denial around the loss or feel like you are just going through the motions. It is also not uncommon during this period to explore alternate scenarios during which this person would still be a part of your life. It is natural to long for those who have gone on but it's important to lean on those who are still here.
It's also pretty common to feel angry during the holidays in addition to feeling sad. You may also notice yourself feeling resentful towards those around you who are still able to enjoy the holidays in spite of the loss. This is a normal response to grief, just be sure to express your anger in positive ways and find meaningful ways to connect to others.
Give yourself permission to grieve fully and wholly without judging yourself. Remember that accepting the loss does not mean that you're over it just means that you're in a healthier space in your healing journey. When possible, plan ahead and always have at least one person that you can reach out to if you need additional support in the moment. You must allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come and to understand that ignoring those feelings could delay your healing process.
Next steps
Below is a list of steps that you should take during the holiday season to help you navigate through your grief in a healthy manner.
Acknowledge Your Feelings and Be Honest with Yourself and Others
Set Boundaries Around Social Interactions
Find Ways to Honor the Memory of your Loved One
Seek Support from Friends, Family, and Professionals
Practice Self-Care
Be Flexible with Traditions and Create new Traditions.
Allow Yourself Moments of Joy and Gratitude
For more information on coping with grief during the holidays, check out my YouTube channel for videos on grief and other mental health-related topics.
Remember that healing takes time, and your grief process is unique to you. Give yourself grace and compassion during this holiday season and always.
Read more from Sandtrice D. Russell
Sandtrice D. Russell, Unique Destiny Counseling
Sandtrice D. Russell is a fierce mental health advocate whose life's mission is empowering others through education. Her childhood upbringing led her into the helping profession and she is committed to helping remove the stigma associated with pursuing mental health services. Sandtrice is a Licensed Professional Therapist in Georgia and Texas. She is also the founder of Unique Destiny Counseling, the the author of the Minding my Own Mental Health Journal, published in 2024, and the host of the Self-Aware & F**ked Up Podcast™.
