Sandtrice D. Russell is a seasoned mental health professional with nearly 20 years of experience in the helping industry. She is the founder of Unique Destiny Counseling, a virtual counseling practice, the author of the Minding my Own Mental Health Journal, published in 2024, and the host of the Self-Aware & F**ked Up Podcast™.
Let’s face it, dealing with grief during the holiday season sucks. There’s no pretty way to say it, because it can be one of the most painful experiences you’ll ever go through, second only to the initial loss itself. Learning to navigate the holidays after the death of a loved one can be extremely challenging. It takes time to truly process your feelings and give yourself the space to heal. While it is often most difficult to cope with grief during the holidays immediately following a loss, it can affect you for many years, depending on the level of significance.
In this article, we'll explore the challenges of navigating the holidays after the loss of a loved one, as well as strategies to help you get through this difficult time.
What is grief?
Grief is an emotional response to the loss of a loved one, experience, or anything of value. It is a universal human experience that every person on Earth will face at some point in their lives. Grief is often misunderstood because it is difficult to process the reality of what death truly means. When we lose someone or something we love, we go through multiple stages, and there is no linear path to healing or ultimately accepting our loss. Grief doesn't just involve feelings of sadness or anger; it can encompass a myriad of emotions.
Grief can manifest in many ways. Sometimes the effects are emotional, including feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, or loneliness. Grief can also affect us physically, causing changes in appetite, sleep patterns, and overall health. One common response to grief during the holidays is a change in behavior or social interactions. Many people choose to isolate themselves during this time, which is their right, but it isn't always the best option. Regardless of how grief impacts you, it's important to understand that everyone's journey is unique.
Your grief is unique
Grief is a personal journey, and your experience with it is unique to you. I had a podcast guest, Heidi Dunstan, a Certified Grief Educator, speak about this during an episode of the Self Aware & F**ked Up Podcast, where we focused on exploring the grieving process. During this episode, she said something that has truly stuck with me since 2023: “Grief is as unique as your fingerprint. No one else has the same fingerprint as you anywhere on this planet, and your grief is just as unique as that.”
As you navigate your grieving process, know that it is perfectly okay to acknowledge your feelings without feeling pressured to act a certain way to avoid being judged by others. Grief is a tricky thing to navigate, so it's important to take your time and set realistic expectations for your healing journey. It’s fine if you need to take time away from family members and friends. It’s also completely acceptable to start your own traditions. The key is to find solace wherever you are and to be honest with yourself about what you have the capacity to handle during this season of your life.
My grief journey
Grief impacts all of us in diverse ways. For some people, after they lose someone they love, they want to spend time alone and may isolate themselves from others, especially during the holidays. We are left with the memories of those who have passed, and sometimes we feel that our family traditions must die with the person we lost. In fact, this was one of the hardest things I had to deal with during my early adulthood.
Growing up, Thanksgiving was one of my favorite holidays. I always looked forward to it because I knew it meant I would get to go to Atlanta with my dad and the rest of my siblings to visit my grandmother Alice. Every year, up until the last Thanksgiving before she passed away, this was a ritual and a tradition I never missed except one time when I was in an abusive relationship.
I can vividly remember the last Thanksgiving I shared with my grandmother. We were sitting at the table, enjoying what I knew would likely be the last meal she prepared for us. It was a challenging time, but one thing I hold on to is the fact that we were granted the ability to prepare emotionally, knowing the end was near because she was facing terminal cancer. Your experience with grief may be different from mine; however, it’s important to recognize that losing someone doesn’t have to change your outlook on the holidays permanently.
For the first couple of years after my grandmother passed away, the holidays were difficult. My immediate family tried to make the best of it; unfortunately, three years later, it got even worse when we experienced the sudden loss of my aunt Mary Alice. I can honestly say that Thanksgiving has not been the same for me since 2018. Nevertheless, I’ve learned ways to cope, and I think it’s important for all of us to explore things we can do to help us through the holidays.
Honor your loved one’s memory
One vital way to navigate grief during the holidays is by finding a way to honor your loved one’s memory. When my wife and I first started dating in 2017, it was shortly after the loss of her father. I remember wondering how she was open to and able to be in a new relationship after such a significant loss. One of the things I learned from her is the value of celebrating our loved ones' lives and honoring them by doing things they enjoyed while adding our own personal touch. You can choose simple gestures; it doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. It’s all about finding something they loved and doing it in a way that feels meaningful to you.
For many, Thanksgiving and Christmas hold special meaning, often tied to family traditions. It can be difficult to move forward after a significant loss, especially if the person you lost had a deep connection to the holiday. One way I’ve chosen to honor my Grandmother Alice on her favorite holiday is by preparing her famous collard greens and sharing them with my friends and family. My grandmother loved to cook, and every Thanksgiving and New Year’s, I make a fresh batch of collards in her honor.
Some people enjoy watching holiday movies they once shared with their loved ones or going to pick out a Christmas tree and decorating it with family and friends. Whether it’s cooking a favorite dessert, singing Christmas carols, or volunteering as a group to feed the homeless, find a way to honor their memory and the spirit of the holiday.
Be mindful of social interactions
Remember to be kind to yourself during the holidays and avoid adding too much to your social calendar. It can be easy to go to extremes when it comes to social interactions. Be mindful that too much stimulation in social settings can distract you, but it can also intensify feelings of loss as you’re reminded that your loved one isn’t present during meaningful moments. Sometimes we feel obligated to put on a smiling face to avoid dampening the mood, but it’s important to let those around you know when you’re having a moment. Give yourself permission to excuse yourself if needed to focus on self-care. Set boundaries with yourself, and don’t push yourself to do too much too soon.
On the other hand, it’s equally important to ensure you’re not completely isolating yourself from others. The holidays are a time for connection and celebration. While it’s perfectly fine to mourn the loss of loved ones, it’s just as important to connect with those who are still here and care about you. The key is finding balance. Avoid overcommitting to social interactions, but try not to isolate yourself either. This was something I struggled with during the first couple of years after losing my grandmothers. On holidays, birthdays, and Mother’s Day, I often wanted to stay in bed and cry or bury myself in work to avoid dealing with my emotions. Take the time you need to care for yourself, but don’t avoid processing your feelings.
Another key element during this time is prioritizing self-care. During the holidays, it’s easy to fall out of your routine because you may be off work or have fewer responsibilities than usual. However, being off your routine can have negative effects if you don’t allow yourself to slow down and remain present. The holidays are an ideal time to focus on rest and relaxation, as grief can be particularly draining during this season. I strongly encourage you to identify activities that help you feel like your best self and take time to self-soothe and nurture yourself.
On busier days, especially when you’re engaging with others, it’s critical to set aside some time for yourself. This is especially important if you’re a parent or caregiver. Communicate your need for time and space, and use that time to pour into yourself through journaling, meditation, or exercise to reduce tension.
Good friendships and family connections are crucial during times of grief. Over the past decade, social media has popularized the concept of Friendsgiving, and I’m fully on board with it. Losing family members can be incredibly draining, and sometimes we need to lean on our friends for support. These connections remind us of the people who are still in our lives and who love and care about us. Death is inevitable, so finding new traditions and ways to connect with the people who are still here is an essential part of the healing journey.
Express gratitude
During the holidays, one of the primary ways to navigate grief is by identifying the things in your life for which you are thankful. For people stuck in distinct phases of the grief cycle, this can lead them to focus only on the negative aspects of their lives. While it is challenging to lose a loved one, practicing gratitude is a meaningful way to bring perspective to the loss. It can be helpful to create a list of things you are grateful for in the moment and focus on those after taking the time you need to process your loss. Another fantastic way to process grief during the holidays is to remind yourself of the moments you are grateful to have shared with your loved ones. This may be difficult during the first few years of loss, but over time, it often becomes easier to explore.
There was a period in my life when I never thought I would be able to enjoy the holidays again. I remember spending time with my wife’s family the year my aunt passed away, and I recall being so sad because it reminded me of what I no longer had. The truth is, I had many other family members who celebrated the holidays and invited me to join their festivities, but all I wanted to do was stay in bed. If you are in that space where you don’t want to leave the house or be around friends or family, it’s common and normal for a season. Just like all things, grief comes in waves. It’s okay to spend some time alone; there may be certain holidays when you don’t want to be around others. Just don’t let it become your new normal.
Create new traditions
Fortunately, nearly ten years after losing my grandmother, I am in a better place and have learned to create new traditions. This year is the first time my wife and I will host a Friendsgiving, and as we put it together, it truly made me realize how important connection is. The truth is, we all will leave this earth at some point, but all we have is this present moment. What matters most is how we use these moments and the memories we create for the future. Deep down, I think I was afraid of allowing myself to enjoy the holidays again, as if doing so meant I wasn’t being loyal to my grandmother. It’s okay to find moments of joy, even in sadness. There is always light in the darkest times; it’s about how we survive and navigate through it all.
Whether it’s preparing your loved one’s favorite dish, lighting a candle in their memory, or starting an annual trip to change the scenery during the holidays, explore what works for you. One of the new traditions that helps me get through Christmas is spending time with my family in LaGrange for an annual Christmas Eve seafood boil. This tradition gives me something to look forward to during the holiday season. Traditions don’t have to be huge events; it’s about doing something meaningful that brings comfort during this challenging time of year.
Give yourself grace
Remember, there is no right way to grieve or to handle the most challenging events in life. The main thing to focus on is giving yourself compassion, grace, and the space to let the people in your life support you. If you need support outside your circle of friends and family, consider connecting with a therapist in your area to help you process your loss. It’s okay not to be okay, and it’s okay to seek help if you need it.
Some losses are more difficult than others, and some take more time to heal from. I often tell my clients that grief isn’t something we “get over”; it’s something we learn to navigate. If you’re still struggling years after your loss, don’t beat yourself up. Grief has no timeline and is not linear. If you feel stuck in your grief cycle, I also recommend connecting with a grief support group. It can be helpful to share your experiences with others who have faced similar losses. Healing takes time, and grief is painful. Be patient with yourself, acknowledge your feelings, and take care of your emotional well-being.
Stages of grief
During the holidays, you may find yourself experiencing all five stages of grief, and it might feel like you haven’t made any progress at all since your loss. You may experience denial or feel like you’re just going through the motions. It’s also not uncommon to imagine alternate scenarios in which your loved one is still part of your life. It’s natural to long for those who have gone, but it’s also important to lean on those who are still here.
It’s common to feel angry during the holidays, in addition to feeling sad. You may notice resentment toward those who can still enjoy the season despite your loss. This is a normal response to grief, but be sure to express your anger in healthy ways and seek meaningful connections with others.
Give yourself permission to grieve fully and wholly, without judgment. Remember, accepting the loss doesn’t mean you’re “over it”; it means you’re in a healthier space in your healing journey. When possible, plan ahead and ensure you have at least one person you can reach out to if you need additional support. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise, and understand that ignoring those feelings could delay your healing process.
Next steps
Below is a list of steps to take during the holiday season to help you navigate grief in a healthy manner:
Acknowledge your feelings and be honest with yourself and others
Set boundaries around social interactions
Find ways to honor the memory of your loved one
Seek support from friends, family, and professionals
Practice self-care
Be flexible with traditions and create new ones
Allow yourself moments of joy and gratitude
For more information on coping with grief during the holidays, check out my YouTube channel for videos on grief and other mental health-related topics.
Remember that healing takes time, and your grief process is unique to you. Give yourself grace and compassion this holiday season and always.
Read more from Sandtrice D. Russell
Sandtrice D. Russell, Unique Destiny Counseling
Sandtrice D. Russell is a fierce mental health advocate whose life's mission is empowering others through education. Her childhood upbringing led her into the helping profession and she is committed to helping remove the stigma associated with pursuing mental health services. Sandtrice is a Licensed Professional Therapist in Georgia and Texas. She is also the founder of Unique Destiny Counseling, the the author of the Minding my Own Mental Health Journal, published in 2024, and the host of the Self-Aware & F**ked Up Podcast™.
