Written by: Stephanie de Niese, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Have you ever had trouble identifying your emotions? Have you ever struggled with articulating how you feel? As a psychotherapist, I often see clients who find it hard to know what they are feeling and how to communicate that to others. This often causes problems in their relationships, leaving both partners feeling misheard, misunderstood, and miserable. If you would like to understand what you are feeling so you can improve the quality of your communication in your relationships, here are some helpful tips.
1. Notice The Physical Sensations In Your Body.
Are you smiling? Does your throat feel tight? Do your eyes feel like crying? Are you clenching your fists? Does your stomach feel like it is going to be sick? Do your legs feel like running away? Do your eyes and mouth feel like they are open wide? Etc.
2. Match The Physical Sensation To One Of The Six Core Emotions.
a. Happy – when we experience something pleasant
b. Sad – when we experience a loss
c. Anger – when there has been an injustice; boundaries have been violated
d. Disgust – when we experience something as unpleasant or revolting
e. Fear – when safety has been threatened
f. Surprise – when something unexpected occurs
3. Think About What Word Most Accurately Fits Your Experience.
For example, I might have noticed that my hands and jaw are clenched and I am feeling hot in the face. I have matched these physical sensations to the core emotion of Anger. But, am I annoyed or furious? Or, does another ‘Anger’ word better fit my experience? If you struggle with pinpointing the exact word, using an emotion wheel is helpful. A quick Google or Pinterest search will provide you with one you can save to your phone. I have had clients whip out their emotion wheel during sessions to accurately identify how they are feeling in the present moment! Please note that sometimes the core emotion word is the accurate one.
This step remains useful in helping you to decipher the nuances of your experiences the more you go through this process.
4. Identify What The Corresponding Need For The Emotion Is.
One thing that is little known about emotions is that they are simply information that points us to an underlying need. Emotions are not good or bad. They are neutral. They are information. They inform us about what we need. Below are the corresponding needs of the six core emotions.
a. Happy – to rejoice
b. Sad – to be comforted
c. Anger – to seek justice
d. Disgust – to reject
e. Fear – to be safe
f. Surprise – to know
5. Think About The Appropriate Action For The Need.
This step is where the information gathered from the previous two steps are important. If I have identified that my core emotion is Anger and the more accurate word for my experience is ‘annoyed,’ the action I will take to seek justice will be different than if I was furious. The same goes if my core emotion was Sad. The action that would make me feel comforted if I was feeling down (e.g., a hug) would be different than if I was feeling grief (e.g., someone listening to what I miss about the person I lost).
6. Consider Who Is The Appropriate Person To Meet This Need.
Oftentimes, we think our partner is the person to meet all our needs. This is simply not true. Sometimes our needs need to be met by our boss, our siblings, our friends, our parents, our government, and so on. What is even more poignant to note is that some of our needs can only be met by ourselves or by God. Take some time to thoughtfully consider who is the right person to meet this need.
7. Use The Following Sentence Stems To Communicate How You Are Feeling And What You Need.
By now we have a better understanding of our own experience and how we are feeling. Communicating our experience and what we feel to others takes some courage as we are becoming vulnerable letting them see into our inner world a little more.
To learn more about building courage read Paul Corke’s article 5 Ways to Build Courage to Become Your Personal Best.
Take a moment to breathe deep into your belly. Feel your tummy expand as it fills with air like a balloon. Feel the air slowly, gradually, flow out from your belly, your lungs, your throat, and your mouth. You might like to repeat this five times before you speak. Ensure your exhales are longer than your inhales. This will signal to your body that you are safe and allow you to take that courage to share your feelings. Use these sentence stems as a guide:
a. I feel (insert word from Step 3)
b. I need (insert action from Step 5)
c. From (insert person from Step 6)
Conclusion
We often are not taught how to know what we are feeling and how to communicate that to others. These skills we usually learn by modelling the behaviour of those around us, which is not always the most effective or helpful. My hope is that these steps provide you with some guidance and encourage you to continue the discovery of your own inner experiences either with a licensed professional or through your own reflections.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Youtube, and visit my website for more info or if you would like to work together.
Stephanie de Niese, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Steph is a passionate and fun-loving person with a serious commitment to living life to its fullest. A qualified Counsellor/Psychotherapist, Steph brings together her love of dance and fitness, with education and therapy. After being in the dance and fitness space for over 15 years, Steph discovered that emotions are processed and expressed through the body by physical activity. Thus, all of Steph’s work is based on the connection and interplay between the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of self. In addition to seeing clients, Steph runs dance and group fitness classes and facilitates wellbeing workshops. Personally, Steph’s Catholic ministry and family life is of utmost importance to her.
