Written by: Alexandra Niel, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Are you struggling to get your point of view across? Do you feel like your voice is not being heard? We all have days when we feel shy or uncomfortable speaking up for ourselves. However, if this is your modus operandi, it might be time to become more assertive. Lacking assertiveness can contribute to a general feeling of being stuck, of not making forward movement because you aren’t able to speak up for what you want.
Assertiveness comes in handy in a variety of situations; whether you're asking for a raise, standing up for your beliefs, or simply requesting that someone change their behavior. When you learn to be more assertive and to stand up for yourself, you simply get more of what you want.
Today, I'll share some tips for becoming more assertive and gaining confidence in your voice. We'll also cover strategies for dealing with negative reactions from others so that you can stay true to yourself while still maintaining relationships. By following these tips and practicing regularly, you'll find that becoming more assertive comes naturally and allows you to feel happier and more fulfilled in all areas of your life.
What Is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive. It is the ability to express your opinions and needs clearly and confidently, while still respecting the rights and opinions of others. Being assertive means that you are not afraid to speak up for yourself or to express your own needs and wants. It also means that you can handle constructive criticism without getting defensive or becoming angry. Assertiveness, like good communication and negotiation, is a skill that can be learned by anyone.
We shouldn't confuse it with Aggressiveness. Being aggressive is defined as “ready or likely to attack or confront”. There is no desire for confrontation in assertiveness because it comes from a place of confidence and respect for yourself and others. How people react to you putting your foot down and standing up for yourself has nothing to do with honoring yourself by being true to your desires. It is theirs to manage, not yours.
Signs You May Need To Develop Your Assertiveness Muscle
Do you recognize yourself in any of the below statements?
I find it difficult to express my opinions or stand up for myself.
I tend to avoid conflict or confrontation, even when I know I am in the right. • I feel uncomfortable asserting my needs or putting my foot down when others don't respect them.
I often give in to what others want, even if it means sacrificing my own needs or desires.
I often feel like I don't have a voice, or that others dismiss my opinions and ideas.
7 Steps To Becoming More Assertive
At your core, remember this: you have a right to express your opinions and needs, and others have a responsibility to respect them. Internalizing this alone can help you feel more confident and empowered when speaking up.
1. Start small: If you're not used to being assertive, it can feel daunting to try to change your entire communication style overnight. Luckily, that's not what I’m suggesting! Instead, start by practicing assertiveness in low-stress situations. For instance, next time you're in a taxi/Uber and you feel cold, speak up and ask the driver to adjust the temperature to your liking. Or, if you're at the supermarket and you can't reach something on the top shelf, ask someone to help you. These are simple and easy ways to start to develop your assertiveness muscle.
2. Practice saying "no" without feeling guilty: Your job is not to please everyone all of the time. Your job is to please yourself! To do what is right for you! It doesn't mean we shouldn't sacrifice ourselves from time to time to help someone else, but when we put our needs last all the time, we become disillusioned and frustrated.
We often have a hard time saying "no" because we don't want to disappoint others or make them angry. So, think about the last time someone said "no" to you. How did you feel? I’m guessing you were disappointed or frustrated at the moment but did you get over it? Yes! Of course, you did. Saying "no" is perfectly acceptable.
In addition, if you're anything like me, you might have so many things on your plate that you need to say no more often. One of the tactics I've been using more often is to take a moment to think when I am presented with something, whether it's a dinner out or a new challenge. I pause and feel into my body. If it doesn't feel like a "HECK YEAH!" then it's a "no". The choice is yours. It's not because someone presents you with something that you have to take it.
3. Stand up for yourself and your beliefs: This is likely one of the most difficult things to do, especially if you are a people pleaser and you hate conflict. What I have learned is that it is impossible to both please everyone and stand up for yourself. They are two sides of the same coin. If someone is disrespecting you or your beliefs, it's important to stand up for yourself. This doesn't have to be done aggressively, but simply by stating your position confidently and clearly.
It is also easier to say "no" when you know exactly who you are and what you want. If you are uncertain about either of these, saying "no" might feel like you're missing an opportunity, even without being able to gauge if this is the right thing for you!
So, get some clarity. You can't stand up for yourself if you don't know what you stand for. Once you do, the rest will fall into place.
4. Use body language to convey confidence: When speaking up for yourself or just simply asking for what you want, you can use body language to add an extra layer of confidence to your message. For instance, try sitting up straight and making eye contact when speaking with others. This conveys trustworthiness and that you are worth listening to.
One of the things I work on with my clients, especially when they are lacking in self-confidence, is to have them imagine a Power Pose for themselves. I asked one of my clients to do this recently and she came up with the Wonder Woman pose. Before she went into meetings or needed to have difficult conversations, she would step into the pose. Having done it myself, I know it helps you feel stronger and more confident, so you could tackle those conversations effectively. Now, I'm not saying you should stand there like Wonder Woman in your meeting, but think about how your posture impacts how you feel.
Let's do a quick experiment. Hunch over in your seat, lean forward, bring your shoulders in towards your chest, and say "I am powerful!" Do you feel powerful? Or does it feel even silly to say that in that position? Now sit up, spine straight, shoulders back, chin up and say "I am powerful!" Now, How does THAT feel? Good, right?! That’s because your words, feelings, and posture are in alignment.
5. Deal with difficult conversations head-on, using clear and concise communication: The ability to have difficult conversations is one of the most important skills you need to develop if you want to be more assertive. This doesn't mean that every conversation will be easy, but you will at least feel better equipped to handle them when they come up.
There are some tools you can put to good use to have these difficult conversations. Getting clear on what it is you need to say before the conversation is key. This means knowing your facts and being clear about your wants or needs. Then, engage in the discussion using "I" statements. For example, "I feel disrespected when you speak to me like that." It's also important not to make assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask questions. That does two things: 1. it enables you to gather more information and 2. it allowed the other person to feel heard. And then, be prepared for the conversation to be more like a dance; expect it to be a give and take. Don't expect the worst, but keep an open mind and be willing to compromise if necessary.
6. Respond calmly and rationally to negative comments: When you are assertive and confident in what you say, that might cause a reaction in some people, especially when they are not used to you speaking up for yourself. They may feel threatened or simply like the existing dynamic. Whatever the reason, it's important to remember that their opinion of you is not your reality.
Whenever that happens, it’s important to respond and not react. When we react, we do so out of emotion. That reaction could be anything from shutting down to the other extreme, blowing up. So, take a breath, avoid getting caught up in the emotion, and respond in a way that is congruent with what you want and who you want to be. Remember, you are in control of your emotions, not the other way around. So choose wisely! You might even choose to say something like "Thank you. I choose not to accept this gift".
7. Seek out feedback from others on how you can continue to improve your assertiveness skills: If you want to become more assertive, it's important to get feedback from others on how you're doing. This will help you to identify any areas where you need to continue to work and also give you a sense of how far you've come. So, share your goal with someone you trust, like a friend or family member, and ask for their honest feedback on how you come across. It's important to be open-minded and listen to what they have to say, as it can sometimes reveal some blind spots that are holding you back.
Another great way to get feedback is by joining an assertiveness group, a public speaking group like Toastmasters, or working with a coach who can help you in this area. They will be able to give you specific feedback and provide guidance on how to continue developing your skills.
Conclusion
While becoming more assertive might not happen overnight, it is something that you can work on and improve. The most important thing is to start small and be patient with yourself. And remember, you are the only one who can decide what is best for you! So make sure that you are putting your needs first. With time, you will start to feel more confident and in control of your life. And that's when real change starts to happen!
Alexandra Niel, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Alexandra Niel is a Certified High Performance and Mindset Coach and a FemCity Collective Leader. She has 30 years of experience in Corporate and is a French native who has lived and worked in Europe, Latin America, and Asia. Her journey into personal development and coaching began after a personal event and she became certified by the High Performance Institute in 2016. Alex uses a mix of science-validated methodology, experience and intuition to help women who feel stuck in their job overcome their inner limits so they can to redesign their career for maximum impact and joy in their life, without compromising their health or relationships.
Alex loves reading, discovering new restaurants, trying different and exotic foods and is an avid traveler. Her motto is "Life is too short to not chase your dreams."
