Jennie Sutton is passionate when it comes to Divorce! She is the founder of the online platform, untyingtheknot.me. Here, she offers a one-stop shop for women as an accredited finance, divorce, and domestic abuse coach and in-person court coach, assisting women in rebuilding their lives with confidence.
Making the choice to remain in or exit a marriage is one of the hardest decisions that a person can make. It can be especially difficult to call time after having invested so many years into the relationship, the effects, and the emotions that come into play. Many clients have called this time “a waste”.
Research shows that more people in midlife are facing this decision than ever before. It’s demonstrated that this is based on longer life expectancy, higher economic independence of women, and the longevity impact of an empty nest. Then there’s the influence of retirement, with many couples not willing to spend their later years in an unfulfilling marriage.
If you find yourself at this crossroads of life, then this article will enable you to take a step-by-step approach to gain clarity so that you can make the conclusive decision that is best for your well-being, for now and the future.
1. Making the wrong decision
Some people haven’t made up their minds because they fear choosing the less favourable outcome. I think I should put that to rest right from the beginning and state that there is no wrong decision. Just like all decisions, what testifies if it's right or wrong is time. However, knowing what is holding you back can help to reduce fear because, at the end of the day, being stuck is due to feeling afraid. Fear comes from our primitive brain that wants ease, routine, and nothing to wobble its way of working. So, things like uncertainties around the practical aspects of life, be it finances, where to live, and emotions like guilt and shame, can all feel like we’re walking through quicksand. One mistake, and we’re sunk! However, start with these three key questions:
Am I staying out of love or fear?
If nothing changed, how would I feel 5 years from now?
Can this marriage be healed, and if so, how much am I willing to put into it?
2. Check your wellbeing
We navigate life in a holistic way using our senses. Yet, interestingly, we are more likely to rely on our brain than any other part of our body. However, our body and emotions can indicate our true north through the body mind, something of which the mind on its own is unable to grasp. Take a moment to listen to your body and your intuition and see what the voice of knowing is saying:
Am I more tired than happy in this relationship?
What emotions am I feeling: anxious, sad, numb, or happy?
Do I experience stress-related symptoms of headache, inability to sleep, and fatigue?
3. Review without the rose-tinted glasses on
No marriage is perfect, and at times, we must look through a clearer lens to see what’s really happening. Common blocks for connection include:
Lack of emotional or physical intimacy.
Constant conflict, disrespect, or resentment.
Incompatible values or life goals.
Absence of trust due to behaviours such as cheating or lying.
Types of Domestic Abuse: emotional, verbal, physical, or financial. All of which are red flags and professional support needs to be sought.
4. Have you really given your marriage your best shot?
Before coming to the final decision, it is important to determine whether you, as a couple, have tried everything within your power to salvage the marriage. I like to call this the ‘No Regrets’ test! This includes:
Have an honest and open conversation with your partner (one where there is more listening than blaming or justifying)
Couples coaching with the aim to change the mindset around the relationship and move forward positively.
One-on-one coaching with a focus on behaviours, relationship beliefs, and commitment to action.
If you’ve already used these methods and for whatever reason there is no or little change, then be proud, be very proud that you have given your best shot and walk away with dignity and No Regrets!
5. Turn into the shadows and shine a light
As humans, we are meaning-making machines, and we tend to make a narrative around fears to suit our unconscious behaviours.
Fear can feel enormous, like a looming shadow on the wall; it’s bigger and scarier than its actual source. If we turn and face that projection, we often realise it’s not as powerful as it seems.
Ask yourself:
Am I scared of being single, or do I fear being miserable?
Do I have concerns about the financial situation? If so, what are my choices?
Am I showing my children a good example of a relationship?
6. Visualise both possibilities
Visualisation is very helpful to regain control. It’s an opportunity to play a mind movie where you are running through the virtual scenarios in your mind’s eye.
The staying scenario:
Sit and think about your daily life if you decide to stay with your partner.
How do you wake up in the morning with your partner?
How do you communicate?
On a scale of 1 - 10, what is the level of your happiness?
The leaving scenario:
Imagine life after you’ve broken up.
On a practical level, there will be problems, but on an emotional level, how are you feeling at the end of the relationship tunnel?
7. Back yourself
When you’ve gone through these steps, it’s now time to take the final one. No one can decide for you and yet be reassured that you haven’t rushed in, you’ve taken your time, you’ve looked at all the angles and ultimately put yourself first.
If you decide to stay, then work on your relationship. Even if your partner is reluctant, work on yourself, and your partner will shift too; it’s that relationship ripple effect.
If you decide to call it a day, then both commit to make the transition from ‘We to Me’, as smooth as possible. The ending of your relationship doesn’t have to be full of animosity; it can be amicable, mature, and, if necessary, child-centric.
Get your breakup team in place and ready to hand so you’re not on your own. This will include experts in law, finance, and your divorce coach.
The beginning or the end
Whether to stay in a marriage or get out of it is not a simple decision, but clarity comes when you’re honest with yourself and have taken logical steps forward to explore the options.
Remember, it is your life, and whatever decision you make should lead you to peace, self-respect, and excitement for the life you want to live.
Take the next step today
If you're ready to explore your decision and would like me to be part of your breakup team, then book a coaching call today. Let's work together so you will take back your control and make the conclusive decision that is best for you now and in the future.
Read more from Jennie Sutton
Jennie Sutton, Accredited Women's Divorce & Court Coach
Having experienced her own 30-year marriage end in divorce, Jennie turned her experience into a mission to support other women. As an accredited divorce and family court coach, she supports women who are faced with the additional challenges of domestic abuse. With twenty years as a coach and firsthand insight, she provides reassurance and guidance every step of the way. To Jennie, untying the knot is about finding the end to make a new beginning.
