Written by: David Allison, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Being heard is essential for human connection, and you can expand the quality of your conversations by learning practical ways to master the art of listening more effectively.
The Greek philosopher Epictetus was attributed as saying, 'We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak,' which brings rise to the important point of ensuring we remain present during conversations. In this article, you'll find seven simple ways to improve your listening skills and focus on the true message behind the words.
As a coach, my clients, no matter where in the world they are, are often faced with a common thread when it comes to improving their personal and professional relationships, and that is how to listen and communicate more effectively.
In a day and age of countless distractions, notifications, and multitasking, we must ground ourselves, or we can miss critical information, not to mention leaving the speaker feeling disconnected and frustrated that their message has passed us by.
Moving away from interruptions or listening purely with the intent to reply and stepping into active listening is vital. This can create a deep sense of connection, help the speaker feel safe, and encourage them to speak openly. Active listening helps us crossover onto the speakers' internal map and gives us insight into their perspective and how we can best support them or provide them with what they need.
Think back to when you felt you weren't being listened to by a partner, someone in a professional setting, or a family member, and how frustrating that was. Placing our feet on the other side of the fence makes it easier to refresh our minds with why we must provide quality time and space for others to express themselves freely. We've all had those conversations with someone looking at their phone, staring off into the distance, or trying to complete another task and how deflated it has left us.
The next time you're in a conversation, try one or two of the following listening techniques; and pay particular attention to how it improves and how the other person begins to react to the space you're creating. As you get used to incorporating them into your discussions, you can start to add more.
Building trust and rapport
Rather than jumping in with advice or remedies, give the person an opportunity to tell you how you can best support them. There's no need to overcomplicate matters; try a simple sentence starter such as "what can I do to help?". This helps you build not only trust but offers a genuine desire to help.
You can create rapport easily by also incorporating specific body language techniques. Two easy ways to make a connection are through mirroring or matching movements. Mirroring the speaker's movements is best explained if you subtly recreate their actions or, in other words, copy their body language; for example, if they brushed their left arm, you would brush your right. Matching is similar but with opposite actions; for instance, you would do the same if they touched their left arm. Keep it natural, and don't overdo it; it can be misinterpreted and lead to a different conversation altogether!
Active listening requires you to be mindful of your body language. When facing the person, lean in slightly to demonstrate interest and avoid looking away (other than natural breaks in eye contact) or fiddling with things such as your phone.
Demonstrating concern
It can be incredibly demotivating in conversation when sharing a problem or vital piece of information, and the intended recipient shows a lack of interest. A great example of what you could say to demonstrate genuine concern would be, "I can see this isn't easy for you, and I'd like to help" – you're acknowledging how hard this is for them without going into problem-solving mode and you're creating space for them to share more.
Paraphrasing
Paraphrasing is excellent for showing understanding by repeating the person's words back to them – not parrot-fashion, or this can be misinterpreted. An example could be "what I'm hearing you saying is…" and paraphrase what you've heard. Not only does this ensure you've listened to and understood them correctly, but it also allows the speaker to reflect on their own words, which can often let them come up with a suitable solution if needed. Give them space to digest what you've repeated; don't try to fill the silence even if it feels uncomfortable (quick tip: take a few slow deep breaths to prevent you from leaping into the silence).
A brief verbal affirmation
Acknowledging the speaker's feelings is essential for them to feel heard and that you appreciate what they're saying without hogging or steamrolling the conversation. An example would be, "I see that you're coping with a lot right now, and it can't be easy for you."
Asking open-ended/specific questions
Most of us have been greeted with a yes or no response in conversation, and we know how that can be a veritable dead-end in communication. The aim here is to gather as much understanding as possible and for the speaker to feel heard and understood; for example, "what specifically did he say that hurt your feelings?" Yes or no questions will naturally arise but be mindful of them so as not to stunt the flow of conversation.
When using specific questions, we create an opportunity for the speaker to provide detailed information. An example could be, "how can I best support you with this?" A handy tip is to keep the handy question starters What, When, How & Who in mind to keep the conversation flowing.
Don't make it all about you
In other words, keep your opinion to yourself unless it's asked for. Of course, you want to say the right thing; you want them to know you have heard them and you care but try to avoid inserting unwanted solutions or remedies without permission. A great way to encourage the conversation flow would be, "I can see this is affecting you; please tell me more about how you're feeling".
Remember that people often need to come to their own conclusions and decisions; therefore, the best course of action is to step back and allow them to have the space to achieve a resolution for themselves.
Disclosing similar situations
Again, this isn't a one-way train it's all about me, but you can use similar stories of your experiences to empathize and invite the person to tell you some more, especially when demonstrating empathy or if the conversation has ground to a halt. Be mindful, remain calm, and be curious.
There you have it, 7 simple ways to supercharge your listening skills in any setting. Take your time with them and go at your own pace. Pay attention to the quality of your interactions and how they improve when you employ some proven techniques.
One final tip I'll leave you with if you're someone who talks a LOT during conversations and struggles to keep it in check – keep in mind the acronym WAIT (Why Am I Talking); no one is expecting you to be mute, but to truly listen, we first must be present and silent.
David Allison, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
David Allison is a certified Life & Health Coach specialising in working with LGBTQ+ Men worldwide. David also holds the title of Master Trainer through the International Sports Sciences Association. David is the founder of Whole Self Coach, which is dedicated to helping transform the lives of men struggling to create the life they desire through powerful, motivational coaching sessions. David's coaching practice celebrates the fusion of Mind, Body and Pride, where every story and transformation is a unique journey.
