Dr. Nichelle Chandler is a psychotherapist and life coach based in Dallas, Texas. She specializes in working with women, including those with lupus and other autoimmune conditions. She has maintained a private practice for nearly two decades and once managed the clinical department of one of Dallas' most prominent mental health clinics.
Early in my career, I worked as a Child Protective Services (CPS) investigator, fresh out of college and eager to make a difference. My job was to investigate cases where children were reported to be abused or neglected. If the allegations were true, it was my responsibility to remove the children from their homes. These were some of the most challenging moments because I knew I was taking them away from everything they knew.
Even after I moved on from that job, I couldn’t stop thinking about those kids. Did they manage to heal? How did the trauma of being taken away from their families shape their lives as they grew up? These questions stuck with me and eventually led me to become a psychotherapist, where I now help adults deal with the lasting effects of childhood trauma, especially in their relationships.
The many faces of childhood trauma
When we talk about trauma, we often think of severe cases like physical abuse or neglect—situations I saw frequently in my early career. However, trauma can take many forms, and all of them can leave lasting scars that show up in adult relationships.
Emotional abuse: This includes being constantly criticized, humiliated, or verbally assaulted. Kids who grow up in this environment often carry those negative messages into adulthood, leading to low self-esteem and doubt that can affect their relationships.
Witnessing domestic violence: Even if a child isn’t directly harmed, seeing violence at home can be profoundly traumatizing. It can make them anxious and normalize unhealthy relationship patterns later in life.
Parental substance abuse: Growing up with a parent who struggles with addiction can create an unpredictable and unsafe environment. Kids might feel neglected or end up taking on a caregiver role, which can lead to codependency and trouble setting boundaries as adults.
Divorce or separation: While not always traumatic, a messy divorce can have a significant impact on a child. High-conflict separations or situations where a child feels torn between parents can lead to trust issues and a fear of being abandoned.
Bullying: Whether it happens at school or within the family, bullying can seriously damage a child’s self-worth. The effects often include social anxiety, difficulty trusting others, and a higher chance of getting into unhealthy relationships later on.
Chronic illness or hospitalization: Kids who deal with long-term illnesses or hospital stays might feel isolated and scared. These early experiences can make it hard for them to form close connections later on, as they might feel different or disconnected from others.
Loss of a loved one: Losing a parent, sibling, or close family member can be incredibly traumatic for a child. This kind of loss can create deep fears of abandonment that show up in adult relationships.
The long shadow of childhood trauma
The pain and fear that come with childhood trauma can stick with someone for a long time, shaping how they relate to others. Unprocessed emotions often rear their heads in adult relationships, causing issues like trust problems, attachment issues, and emotional struggles.
Trust issues and attachment styles
One of the most significant impacts of childhood trauma is on trust. When a child’s confidence is betrayed by the people who are supposed to protect them, it can lead to a deep fear of vulnerability. This often shows up in adulthood as attachment issues.
Adults who went through childhood trauma might have an anxious attachment style, where they’re clingy and always need reassurance. On the other hand, some might develop an avoidant attachment style, keeping their distance and avoiding intimacy. Both of these patterns can lead to unhealthy relationships, where the person is either too dependent on their partner or too emotionally distant.
Emotional regulation and communication
Trauma can affect a person’s ability to manage emotions and communicate well. People who have experienced trauma might struggle with intense feelings like anger, fear, or sadness, which can get triggered in relationships. This can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings, and in some cases, emotional or even physical violence.
Communication becomes a challenge, too. Some people might bottle up their feelings out of fear of conflict. In contrast, others might overreact, projecting their past hurts onto current situations. Either way, it makes resolving disagreements challenging and strains relationships.
Fear of abandonment and self-sabotage
A common theme among adults who have experienced childhood trauma is the fear of being abandoned. The deep-rooted belief that they’re unworthy of love can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors. They might push their partners away to avoid the rejection they think is inevitable or stay in toxic relationships out of fear that they won’t find anything better.
This fear can also make people overly accommodating, sacrificing their needs to keep their partner happy. This imbalance can erode their self-esteem and create a toxic dynamic in the relationship.
The cycle of repetition
Unfortunately, many people who have experienced childhood trauma find themselves repeating the patterns of their past. They might unconsciously seek out partners who reinforce their negative beliefs about themselves or who mimic the abusive dynamics they experienced as kids. This repetition is the mind’s way of trying to “master” the trauma, but it often leads to re-traumatization.
Pathways to healing
While the effects of childhood trauma on relationships can be profound, they’re not permanent. Healing is possible but takes self-awareness, support, and often professional help. Therapy, especially trauma-informed approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or somatic experiencing, can help people process their past and build healthier ways of relating to others.
Building healthy relationships also means learning to recognize and challenge unhealthy patterns. This might involve setting boundaries, learning better communication skills, and gradually allowing oneself to be vulnerable with others. Self-compassion is critical, as is surrounding oneself with supportive and understanding people who provide a safe space for growth.
Conclusion
Childhood trauma casts a long shadow, especially on relationships. But by understanding the roots of these challenges and seeking healing, it’s possible to break free from the cycles of the past. It’s a journey that takes courage, but the reward is the chance for genuine connection, love, and intimacy—a true testament to the resilience of the human spirit.
Understanding the effects of childhood trauma on relationships is essential for anyone who has experienced trauma, as well as their partners. By recognizing that trauma can come from many different experiences, not just abuse and neglect, we can start to heal these invisible wounds and build relationships based on trust, respect, and mutual support.
Read more from Dr. Nichelle Chandler
Dr. Nichelle Chandler, Psychotherapist and Life Coach
Dr. Nichelle Chandler is a dynamic mother, wife, motivator, educator, coach, and psychotherapist. As the founder of Brooktree Counseling & Consulting, PLLC, and Lupus Freedom, she brings over 20 years of experience helping individuals unlock their full potential. Dr. Nichelle is deeply passionate about empowering women to create their desired lives. Her journey with Lupus has fueled her dedication to helping women with the condition thrive, just as she has.
