Irish is a holistic and integrative therapist working out of Ontario, Canada as a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying). She runs her solo practice Irish Oak Wellness providing virtual grief & trauma therapy.
A question that has been contemplated for ages by many is: Who am I? Do you find yourself asking this question when entering a new relationship, making decisions, or entering a new phase of your life? Does it bring up emotions, confusion, or struggle? Identity is ever-evolving, and there are many parts of us that form over the years based on the experiences we have. Understanding our sense of self helps develop self-awareness, self-confidence, and self-compassion. So, where does one start when trying to get to know themselves? This article discusses seven foundational essentials involved in getting to know ourselves to feel grounded and confident. If you are looking to grow one of the most important relationships in your life, the relationship with yourself, this article will provide clear, reflective tools on how to do so.
What is a sense of self?
Identity is how we define ourselves, whereas a sense of self involves having a deeper understanding of all that we identify with and the perspectives we hold within our inner world and toward our outer world. Therapeutic models provide varying views on what a sense of self involves. The perspective this article takes is that of connecting the unconscious with the conscious mind, referring to the work of Carl Jung, as a way to understand one’s sense of self. This perspective lays the foundation for a self-reflection process that can help us understand the conscious and unconscious workings of our psychological space. The development process of the sense of self supports self-confidence by increasing self-awareness and self-compassion.
How self-reflection helps
Self-reflection involves the intentional observation of oneself to increase self-awareness and self-growth. The reflection process is ongoing as one integrates new life experiences into their sense of self. Jung describes that humans carry a reflective instinct that gives them access to and drive for self-awareness. This reflective process supports integration, cohesion, and harmony among the various parts of one’s sense of self.
Getting to know the foundational essentials
Getting to know oneself involves accessing the unconscious aspects to develop self-awareness, which can be done through reflection. For example, the shadow is an unconscious aspect of the psyche, as it is hidden on a conscious level. Since it is an unconscious aspect, intentional reflection and exploration of the shadow support bringing awareness to what has been repressed from conscious awareness. As a person learns about their shadow, their ego identity, and other parts of their psyche, they will be able to gain clarity on the strengths and areas of growth they carry. Shared below are the seven foundational essentials, followed by a series of reflection questions to help practice diving deeper into these essentials.
1. Get to know your shadow
The shadow forms as an individual’s psyche represses things about themselves that are considered unacceptable. The shadow becomes the home of what is considered negative (unacceptable), while the ego identity contains what is considered positive (acceptable). If the shadow is left as is and not observed through reflection, it becomes a stranded (abandoned) part of the psyche, seeping into day-to-day functioning as stress, mental illness, and other challenges. Integration between the shadow and ego creates a sense of psychological harmony, a sense of confidence and freedom, and newfound hope for life.
2. Get to know your boundaries
Boundaries are psychological, physical, social, occupational, and spiritual lines or limits we create between our inner and outer worlds, and even within ourselves. Boundaries are classified as thick and thin by Hartmann’s research. They range on a spectrum, with thick boundaries being extremely rigid and thin ones being extremely flexible; in the middle resides a balanced approach to boundaries. Knowing our boundaries will help us understand how much engagement we allow in our lives with different aspects or how much we are blurring and blending these aspects of life. Extreme boundaries or a lack of boundaries can leave one feeling isolated, taken for granted, or stressed. Reflecting on your unique application of boundaries plays an important role in knowing where you draw lines or limits in life for your overall well-being.
3. Get to know what ignites your creativity
Creativity is a magical and empowering expression for human beings. Jung describes creativity as another way the unconscious gives one an opportunity to shine light on that which may be hidden in the psyche. Cultivating creativity can support us in attaining deeper self-understanding and wisdom. Raw creativity expresses the inner workings of the psyche, supporting the integration of unconscious material with the conscious. Knowing the form of creativity that connects you with yourself will help strengthen the relationship with self.
4. Get to know your beliefs, values, and purpose
Our beliefs and values are the foundation for the life we choose to lead. However, when we feel confused about them, we may struggle to understand what brings meaning, contentment, and joy into our lives. Logotherapy explores the relationship we have with the four existential concerns of life: freedom, isolation, meaninglessness, and death, to understand the values we carry that make life meaningful for us. Each existential concern can be explored through reflection to understand the impact these concerns have on us, the beliefs that help us manage them, and the values that bring meaning into life despite the concerns. Meaning is unique to each person, and it forms unique life purposes. Purpose emerges from each aspect that brings meaning into one’s life. For example, a person may find meaning in their career, family, hobbies, and trips around the world, which leads them to have a purpose in each of those areas as well.
5. Get to know your emotions & associated felt sense
Human emotions play a crucial part in our overall well-being. The emotions we experience have an associated felt sense, which is the physical experience of the emotion. Gaining mindful awareness of our emotions and the associated felt sense supports holding space for ourselves in a compassionate way. For example, if you are feeling nervous, you may notice a change in your breathing or your hands sweating; these are part of your felt sense of feeling nervous. The more aware we become of our emotions and how they feel, the better we can support ourselves when we face those emotions and feelings. When we understand our emotions, we are able to build strategies that help manage them.
6. Get to know your self-care needs
Self-care and self-awareness go hand in hand because the more present we are for ourselves, the better we can take care of ourselves. Cultivating self-awareness and self-care supports overall psychological wellness. Self-care comes in many forms and is needed for every aspect of our lives. Taking care of our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs is important for feeling well. As we become self-aware, we are better able to understand our unique needs. Self-care strategies can vary from person to person depending on what feels fulfilling to each individual. For example, a person may find they lean more into their physical self-care because of interest, but their emotional self-care needs are not being met so easily. Since the person is aware of this discrepancy, they can create a strategy that helps them bring in more emotional self-care.
7. Get to know your dreams, literally
A significant part of Jung’s work involved dreams and dream analysis. Jung described dreams as the process of psychological integration between the unconscious and conscious. Dream material can tell us a lot about ourselves, even if we only observe it without interpretation. Dreams communicate in symbolism, so they are often not literal in meaning. A level of dream analysis can be performed individually by keeping a dream journal, noticing symbolism in dreams, determining the personal meanings of symbolism, and determining the collective meaning of symbolism. These brief steps can help create a dream observation practice that can be helpful for mental well-being and fascinating, as supportive insights can come into consciousness.
Reflection questions
Below you will find some optional reflective questions that can support you in getting to know yourself.
What interests did you have growing up as a child that you no longer practice? What changed with these interests that made you stop practicing them?
Which emotions do you express the least (e.g., anger, sadness, joy, etc.)?
What aspects of another person’s personality do you dislike? What makes these aspects disapproving for you?
What kind of boundaries do you build; thick, thin, or balanced?
What are your present boundaries providing you? How are they helping you, and how are they creating challenges in life?
In what ways have you expressed yourself creatively in life? What was supportive to you about this? If you do not think that you have engaged with creativity, what are some things you can try now?
How can you use creativity as a method for self-expression? How can raw expression of creativity support you in connecting with the unconscious aspects?
List your beliefs and values, and for each, describe how the belief/value developed and how it supports you. Are there beliefs or values that do not feel supportive?
For the beliefs and values you listed in the previous question, track where and how they originated in your life and what made them important for you.
Explore each existential concern by writing a reflective journal on your feelings about it. Remember to practice self-care as you explore these.
What things bring meaning into your life? What is the associated purpose of each? (e.g., if music brings meaning to your life, the purpose may be to express yourself through practicing music.)
Which emotions do you feel easily, and which ones are harder to ignite?
What is the felt sense you have when you remember a happy memory? What is the felt sense you have when you think of your favorite place? Describe how you feel emotionally and physically when thinking of each of these.
How do you view self-care, and based on that perspective, how do you practice it? Is there a difference between your perspective and your practice?
How does self-care support you on a daily basis?
What areas of yourself or your life do you feel are lacking self-care?
Do you have vivid dreams or light dreams? Do you have strong dream recall?
How do your dreams make you feel when you wake up? Which ones tend to stay with you as a felt sense, even if you do not remember the dream?
How do you presently observe your dreams? Do you journal them or express them artistically? If not, how would it feel to do so?
Further inner work on developing sense of self
This article presents a therapist’s perspective on the elements needed in developing a sense of self (individual identity). But this is only the start; deeper inner work can be facilitated through therapy with therapists who practice the Jungian model, such as a Jungian Analyst, or with an integrative therapist who uses various tools to support clients in developing self-awareness. Psychology Today, Healing in Colour, and the Affordable Therapy Network are some places where you can search for a therapist who feels like the right fit. If, on your journey, you want to connect with me, I would be happy to have a free consultation with you.
Visit my website for more info!
Irish Dhindsa, Holistic Therapist | RP(Qualifying)
Irish has years of experience and education in providing support to grievers who are struck by loss in their lives. Irish's work focuses on supporting individuals in re-establishing a connection to one-self after a loss occurs. Irish has experienced her own journey of loss through the death of loved ones, managing a chronic illness and physical disability, and dealing with the impact of these losses on her identity. These experiences paved the way for Irish to become a Peer Support Canada Certified Peer Supporter, a Health & Wellness Coach, a psychotherapist, and above all, a person who has learned to embrace the dynamism of life (including loss).
