Sandtrice D. Russell is a seasoned mental health professional with nearly 20 years of experience in the helping industry. She is the founder of Unique Destiny Counseling, a virtual counseling practice, the author of the Minding my Own Mental Health Journal, published in 2024, and the host of the Self-Aware & F**ked Up Podcast™.
Defensive behavior is a barrier to communication. This is a mantra that I’ve used for many years to remind myself of how much my defensiveness has impacted my ability to form healthy relationships with others. For years, I became defensive, which was my automatic response to hearing anything that was not favorable about me. It caused me to lose out on many relationships and friendships because I always felt that I had to protect myself from being hurt. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize how much my defensiveness hurt those in my life who loved me and just wanted to help me grow.
It can be extremely difficult to break free from a pattern of defensive behaviors, this article provides insight to help you start your path toward improving your relationships with the important people in your life.
What is defensiveness?
At the core, defensiveness is a reactive behavior that often stems from feeling attacked and criticized. It is a tactic that many people use to protect themselves from being hurt within a relationship. Defensiveness is often deeply embedded in our psyche to the point that it's hard for us to realize when we are responding to others in this way, especially our partners. It often involves us avoiding blame and pointing the finger at others as the reason for our actions or inaction.
It’s important to recognize that defensiveness develops over time, and it can be exacerbated when we find ourselves in situations or having conversations where we don’t feel safe. Many factors can play a role in why we go into defense mode, but many people learn to use defensiveness as a way to protect themselves from being hurt by a perceived threat. While defensiveness may seem like a reasonable response, it can quickly cause conflicts to escalate and stifle the ability to reach a resolution with others.
The impact of defensiveness on relationships
Defensive behaviors can impact all types of relationships, not just romantic ones. It can ruin friendships, working relationships, and business partnerships. Some of the main difficulties that defensiveness creates are a lack of accountability, emotional distance, increased conflict, and an erosion of trust. All of these factors play a role in breaking down communication because it prevents honesty and vulnerability. These types of actions can lead to a cycle where problems are not resolved, which ultimately leads to feelings of frustration and resentment for all involved parties.
When you are defensive, it is difficult to have authentic communication because the communication within the relationship is ruled by fear. There is usually fear on both sides of the relationship, the defensive person may be fearful that because they are receiving negative feedback their partner will be mad at them or end the relationship. The offensive partner may be afraid to communicate their feelings or concerns due to fear of how the defensive person will react. This can lead to a cycle of ongoing conflict that is never truly resolved because it takes open and honest communication to move forward.
Defensiveness can also create emotional distance and can have a negative long-term impact on current and future relationships. One of the main ways that defensiveness kills a relationship is it doesn’t allow for the development of empathy, which is critical to any viable relationship. When someone is defending themselves, it becomes all about self-preservation, and it doesn’t allow for either partner’s feelings to be honored. This can lead to resentment and ongoing problems related to emotional connectivity within the relationship because no one wants to feel like their feelings aren’t important.
Defensiveness adds unnecessary stress to the relationship and it is generally unhealthy. It involves denying responsibility for your actions, making excuses, attacking others for pointing out their concerns and playing the role of a victim, which cultivates mistrust and detachment within relationships. Like many people, I think that I struggled with defensiveness for such a long period because I didn't realize how detrimental it was to the health of a relationship. It's like my elders used to say, "If you know better, you'll do better."
Identifying triggers
Let’s face it: no one likes to be criticized, but we can all benefit from honest feedback from others. People who struggle with defensiveness often see negative feedback or criticism as a personal attack, which can lead them to protect themselves from a perceived threat even when the threat is not intended to cause harm.
Low self-esteem may also play a role in someone responding defensively. People who struggle with low self-worth are easily triggered by receiving negative feedback about themselves. This can make it difficult for them to accept feedback because it reaffirms their internal belief that they are not good enough.
Past trauma or conflict are strong indicators of whether someone develops a defensive response when receiving unfavorable feedback. If someone has experienced emotional abuse in the past or has been in an unstable relationship, this can cause them to always be in protective mode and respond defensively, even when information is being presented healthily and maturely.
As you can see, there are a number of reasons why people might become defensive. It’s important for people who struggle with defensiveness to explore how their defensive behavior is serving them in their current situation. It’s not uncommon for people to operate in defensiveness due to past traumatic experiences during which that was their only means of protection. In times of war, defensiveness has its place, but when you’re no longer in a toxic environment, you have to shift how you respond.
To reduce defensiveness, you must explore the root causes of your defensiveness patterns of interaction and learn healthier communication skills to practice implementing with the people in the different ships of your life. One of the key factors that is necessary for one to develop healthier habits is developing a supporting and trusting relationship and taking responsibility for their actions.
Taking responsibility
To begin to reduce defensiveness, you have to recognize that you’re struggling with this negative coping strategy and take accountability for your behavior. Often, we react defensively without truly assessing why we feel the way that we do. It took me years to truly understand what was at the root of my defensive behavior: the fear of rejection and the fear of losing friendships and relationships.
I struggled with abandonment throughout my life, and it began to manifest itself in every adult relationship that I had. I took any feedback as criticism and automatically saw it as a negative thing. This led to me being highly reactive and causing long-term, irreparable damage to my relationships. I wasn’t able to truly move past this automatic reaction until I learned to feel safe in my relationship and accept the fact that I couldn't control all of the variables associated with whether my relationships worked or if they ultimately ended.
Through many years of therapy, I was able to recognize that my defensive behavior also stemmed from my childhood feelings of inadequacy and behavior problems that developed as a result of childhood abandonment. I was yelled at a lot as a kid because I acted out and I began to associate any type of negative feedback with criticism. This was further amplified when I experienced an emotionally abusive relationship in my mid-twenties, during which I faced daily criticism from someone who was coping with a personality disorder. My past traumas caused me to respond to any negative information about myself in a manner that was damaging to my relationships.
While there were very legitimate reasons why I responded the way that I did in my relationships, I had to recognize that I was living in and responding from a place of the past instead of the present. Things from your childhood and early adulthood may always have an impact on you, but it doesn't have to define how you interact with people for the rest of your life. This was a hard lesson to learn, but once I took accountability for my present actions, I started to respond differently to feedback from others in all aspects of my life. To be perfectly honest, admitting your faults is scary because it requires a level of vulnerability that makes many people uncomfortable. This is especially heightened in situations where the trust within the relationship has already been broken.
Reducing defensiveness
Self-awareness is the first requirement for reducing defensiveness. You cannot change what you are not aware of. I struggled for many years with being defensive in my relationships because of my past trauma. This only stood out to me in romantic relationships because these types of relationships have a way of highlighting all of your imperfections. After all, our romantic partners see us at our absolute worst. It's easy to dismiss a friend’s critique or a co-worker’s feedback, but in romantic relationships, our partners mirror ourselves to us. Unfortunately, when you’re in a defensive state, it’s hard to see their feedback for what it truly is.
To be more self-aware about your defensiveness, it's important to tune into your feelings and emotional reactions during challenging conversations or “heated fellowship,” as Dr. Juanita Bynum calls them. If you automatically feel the need to explain yourself or shift the blame, it's likely that you're already in a place of defensiveness and need to pause to reflect on whether you're truly focusing on listening to what your partner is saying or if you are ready to pounce as soon as they finish their statement. Improving your response requires that you check your ego at the door and reframe your thoughts so that you can respond from a place of truth and accountability.
A few years ago, I attended a marriage workshop with my wife, during which we learned how to communicate better through taking accountability for how we may hurt each other unintentionally and recognizing that as partners, we do not have to take 100% of the blame. This was a key factor in my journey of learning to be less defensive because it allowed me to acknowledge my shortcomings without feeling that everything was my fault. (A constant negative core belief that I struggled with) Relationships will have conflict regardless of the type of relationship because there are two very different people trying to navigate life together in a way that is beneficial for both parties and causes the least amount of harm. We can reduce that harm by taking responsibility for our actions instead of deflecting responsibility because of our intent. Owning our actions and taking responsibility creates an environment where healing can begin to occur, and both partners can feel valued because their feelings are heard.
Remember that, as humans, we all miss the mark sometimes. While I've made great improvement over the past several years in decreasing my emotional reactivity and defensiveness, there are some days when I fall into old patterns of interaction. It’s during those moments when I recognize how easy it can be to return to a defensive state, and I have to check myself and examine what my reaction is truly about. Sometimes, we defend ourselves because we think that we are 100% right and, therefore, justified in our actions to defend ourselves, but the truth is no one wins in family feuds. Defending yourself can sometimes cost you more than you bargained for.
Next steps
If you're having difficulty navigating through a relationship with a defensive person, you need to create a safe space for them to feel comfortable being honest with you about their emotions. Defensiveness is deeply rooted so it is not something that goes away overnight. It is something that has to be unlearned with the same level of repetition with which it has been embedded. Patience is key when giving your partner time to learn to respond differently. It can also be meaningful to use “I” statements when providing feedback to reduce the chances of receiving a defensive response.
If you are struggling with letting go of your defensive patterns, take the following steps to address your triggers, challenge your negative core beliefs, and build trust within yourself and your relationships. While your emotions are 100% valid, so are the people who you've connected your life with.
Practice Self-Awareness
Listen Actively
Take a Pause Before Responding
Use “I” Statements
Avoid Mind-Reading
Focus on Solutions, Not Blame
Practice Self-Compassion
Remember that we all make mistakes, and we have to own our emotions along with our past experiences and traumas. Life can come at us all hard and fast, so be kind to yourself. Rome wasn’t built in a day and you certainly won’t be able to deconstruct your defensiveness in one night. However, you can begin to practice making better choices about how you respond to feedback.
For more information on increasing your self-awareness and tools for reducing defensiveness in relationships. Visit the Unique Destiny website and purchase the How to Be Honest with Yourself Workbook. Also, be sure to check out the Self Aware & F**ked Up Podcast to continue your mental health growth journey.
Read more from Sandtrice D. Russell
Sandtrice D. Russell, Unique Destiny Counseling
Sandtrice D. Russell is a fierce mental health advocate whose life's mission is empowering others through education. Her childhood upbringing led her into the helping profession and she is committed to helping remove the stigma associated with pursuing mental health services. Sandtrice is a Licensed Professional Therapist in Georgia and Texas. She is also the founder of Unique Destiny Counseling, the the author of the Minding my Own Mental Health Journal, published in 2024, and the host of the Self-Aware & F**ked Up Podcast™.
