Written by: Melanie Josephine, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
This summer I found a list of dating rules which I had typed up in 2009 (!!!) and I had stated: “I totally agree with these!”. When I read them I couldn’t believe my eyes! There were 12 rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, but today I will only comment on 7 of them (well…8).
Lets begin…
1. “Let him plan dates and let him make an effort” I don’t completely agree or disagree on this one. I do believe that it is important that a man makes an effort if he wants to win you over, but I don’t think that this has to be completely one sided. You most certainly can plan dates too and make an effort, it is just important, particularly in the beginning stages of the relationship that you don’t completely take over and make all the effort.
2. “Don’t call him and only sometimes call him back” and “You end phone conversations” I think nowadays people text more than that they call, but regardless, this is a rule that really messed with me when I was dating. I was constantly wondering when to text, what to text, how much…What I realised over time is that following rules of any kind when it comes to dating, isn’t particularly helpful. And especially when it comes to phone conversations and texting you can easily drive yourself mad if you keep thinking about how much and when. If you are seeking a truthful, loving, long term relationship it is not necessary to play games like that. The guys who need that type of thrill are (hopefully) not the guys you want to attract. Therefore I have to say, just like the subtitle of my book: “Free yourself from rules and find out what works for you”. Simply go with what feels right. Yes if you have just met a guy, I would not recommend to spam him with messages, but again, I just want you to connect to your inner wisdom and ask yourself what is right here.
3. “Don’t take invites for Saturday after Wednesday night” For me personally I want people to respect my time and I like to plan things, therefore I do not like when someone gives very little notice. However, maybe you are a more spontaneous person and you want to go with the flow. I believe that this is very situation-dependent and I don’t think one should make a rule about this. You really need to ask yourself what feels right to you.
4. “Have fun or be busy before you see him” This rule sounds way too much like playing games for my taste and goes into the direction of “playing hard to get” or pretending to be busier than you are. When you are seeking a long lasting relationship with someone who truly cares for you, you do not need to pretend. What this rule really is getting at though is probably the energy you bring to a date. If you had fun before you met him, you will probably bring a positive energy. However, you don’t need to book yourself solid to achieve that. I recommend my clients to either meditate before a date, to visualise the best outcome or to put some music on and dance. It is all about energy. As long as you understand why you are doing what you do and it comes from a loving heart and not from a calculated rule, you are all good.
5. “Don’t meet him more than two times a week” I,do think that in the beginning, there is no reason to rush things and you want to make sure you take your time getting to know this person. Also I would refrain from changing all your existing plans in order to see him all the time. Respect the plans and events that are already scheduled in your calendar and find time around that to see him. Otherwise, you might come across as desperate and that is not the energy you want to bring to the table. But as long as you respect yourself and go by what feels right to you, you can’t go wrong.
6. “No intimacy in the first month” This is an interesting one. I do know that people have very divided opinions on this one and yes there are couples who were intimate on the first date and they still are in a relationship now. However, if you are reading this article and you have struggled finding the right person for you, you most likely want to set things off on the “right foot”. I would be careful here. I used to think that it doesn’t matter when you get intimate, BUT I think differently now. The problem is, that there are many men out there who would happily be intimate with you on the first night and then never see you again. To respect yourself and to protect your heart, you need to decide what you think is right for you. When I decided that my love life is going to change, I also made the decision that I would not be intimate with a man unless we have mutually decided that we are in a committed relationship. If the guy needed time to think about that, that was fine.
If we needed to get to know each other better before we made that decision – that was great too, but this boundary has helped me so much to separate men who want to be committed and men who simply aren’t ready for a commitment. By not taking that next step with men who weren’t ready, I saved myself a lot of heartaches. You should know that when you do make that step, your body releases hormones that may make separation harder to deal with. Therefore it makes it that much harder to separate later.
7. “Don’t open up on personal info too fast” This one is a yes and no. Yes, do not spill all your secrets on the first date, but at the same time, to be able to create a connection with another person, you do need to open up to a degree. “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love” is what Brene Brown says. So yes be brave, be vulnerable, but at the same time, be conscious and do not overshare. If in doubt, ask your inner voice: “Should I share this or not?” And listen carefully! Simply share bit by bit as you feel comfortable and as it feels right to you.
The bottom line of all of the discussed points is: “Free yourself from rules and find out what works for you!”. Sometimes it takes time to figure out what’s right for yourself but the journey is worth it. If topics like this interest you please feel free to check out my podcast: “Change Your Love Life Forever” (everywhere where you can listen to podcasts) or my award-winning book on Amazon: “Love Life Simplified”.
Much love,
Melanie
Melanie Josephine, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Melanie Josephine is a leading expert in the field of dating and relationships. In her coaching practice, she actively helps women to bring clarity and light into a topic that may have been dark for years. After going through challenges in her own love life, she decided to research and figure out where she was going wrong. Her self help book “Love Life Simplified” won a New Apple Award in the category “Young Adult Inspirational” and she continues to write for Brainz Magazine as well as on medium.com. In her podcast “Change Your Love Life Forever” she regularly shares experiences and learnings on a vulnerable level. Before she settled down in the UK, she travelled the world as an international nanny and shared her learnings in her popular book “Rock Your Au Pair Year”. Melanie is a highly organised Nanny/ Carer PA with many years of experience in private households alongside her coaching and author activities. Her mission: to bring hope into peoples love life because there is someone for everyone!
