Written by Christian Roach, High-Performance Coach
Christian Roach is a highly sought after Fitness Educator, who is known for transforming the way fitness education courses are delivered. He is the co-founder of Redefining Fitness – a UK based education company and the Author of Becoming Superhuman: 99 Ways To Become Your Own Superhero.
Communication is everything when it comes to how we interact with the outside world and other people and it’s especially important in our career. The challenge is most people don’t get it right and unknowingly lose rapport with others or don’t get what they want and it’s because they have never been made aware of the creases in their communication or what to do about them. If this applies to you, this article will give you a solid starting point to improve.
1. Please do not hesitate to contact me
I see this phrase a lot and it would also seem innocuous to most people but let me dissect it so you understand why it’s not as effective as you might initially think.
By focusing on the specific wording here, we have the words “do not” and “hesitate” which both have negative connotations, and they use what we call “move away” language which focuses on what we don’t want. If you are familiar with Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) you will know what we focus on inevitably expands. This means that by focusing on what we don’t want, we are encouraging it.
You could argue that some people write “do not hesitate to contact me” as a guise for not actually wanting to be contacted and if that is the case, there is still much more effective language that can be used. An example could be “if you need to reach me, please only contact me in an emergency” or “if you need further assistance, you will need to do or contact x.”
Now, if you aren’t trying to put the other person off, we need to change the language. By now focusing on what we want, we can encourage and gravitate towards that too and it’s by simply changing a few words. If we now change the sentence to “please reach out to me if you need assistance, I’m happy to help”, we set a much friendlier and welcoming tone that makes the other person feel safer.
When you put this type of connecting language at the end of your communications, you will find it opens the door for much more open and forthcoming communication from your recipients. It builds rapport and it gets you a more fruitful response because what we focus on expands and by using this move towards language, we are encouraging open communication.
This phrase is a pet hate of mine and whenever I see it, I cringe and it’s unfortunate because people generally don’t realise that it’s extremely off putting and is an indicator of other negative communication habits that may follow suit. This phrase is even worse if you work in HR, sales or management positions because you need to do better.
2. Erm, obviously, like, or other filler words
Any filler words we use can discredit or diminish our authority. Therefore, it’s important that we don’t use them or at least minimise them. There is nothing more frustrating than someone using filler words excessively when delivering a presentation and it forces us to switch off from the message they are conveying. This not only means that the speaker isn’t getting their message across but also, they can’t be taken seriously.
Erm is one filler one, like is another, argh and many other variants are the antithesis of building authority, so we firstly need to be aware of these words and check ourselves to make sure we aren’t saying them. One way to do this is to start recording conversations (with permission of course) then to listen back and see how many times it happens. Another is to get a friend to point out every time you say a filler word during a conversation and write it down and a third way is to start to listen to podcasts or other people’s conversations and note when someone else is doing it.
I remember listening to a presentation at work a few years ago and I lost count of how many times the presenter said “erm” and after a few minutes it’s all I could hear. This meant that I was no longer paying attention to the message being conveyed and it’s the only thing I took away from the session. Therefore, it’s imperative that we can use pregnant pauses when we speak, as well as variation in pace and tone because this keeps our audience engaged. If you find yourself using filler words a lot, one thing you can do is to record yourself speaking for a few minutes, a few times per week. Then listen back to it and identify where you are doing so and see the points in your speech where you can improve.
Another thing you can do is to record presentations on Microsoft PowerPoint using the voice coach as this will pick up on tone, speed and inflections throughout your presentation and help you to refine the areas needed. This tool helped me immeasurably when I created hundreds of hours of content for my companies Personal Training platform, a few years ago.
3. Kinda/ kind of/ sort of
Although not quite a filler word in the same way some of the aforementioned are, saying “kinda” or “kind of” diminishes the effect of something we say in that it deemphasises the seriousness of the point. It makes us sound unsure in what we are saying because it’s vague and ambiguous. Therefore, we should be mindful of when we do this along with similar words such as maybe and probably. “Maybe”and “probably“can be fine in the right context such as suggesting rather than asserting however when asserting, they take away from the impact so it’s important to know when to use them.
4. I’m just following up to my previous message/email
This is a commonly used phrase that people send without realising that it’s extremely off putting to the recipient. It’s also sent by people who usually have a low value message such as a cold sales pitch which leads to the message being ignored. There are rare occasions where this may work in terms of following up for a response however the reality is that most of the time, if the other person wanted to respond and/or it was a priority for them to respond then they would have.
A better approach to a follow-up would be something like:
“Hi Steve,
I appreciate you’re busy and would like to get this off both of our plates. I need a response on the project approval by Friday as that’s the deadline we have to submit. If I don’t receive a response by Friday at 12pm, I will assume it’s a no.”
Looking forward to your decision.
Christian
This sounds straightforward and it’s supposed to because busy people rarely have time or inclination to read through long emails and even less so to long email threads. If you want a response, you must make the decision-making process clear and simple for the decision maker/recipient. Busy people often skim read emails, if they even read them because most emails that start off with “I’m just following up.” get ignored. This may not be deliberate and it’s likely our subconscious mind reinforcing that it’s not a priority.
You need to create a clear action, timeline and consequence (not a threat), just like I have done above. This reduces the decision fatigue for the other person and makes their job easier. This method should also be used ethically and competently as if I had said “I assume it is a yes” and I am not the decision maker then I could get into a whole lot of trouble. Use this wisely however and you will foster much more effective communication with your peers.
5. Please could you
Does this sound like someone is nagging to you?
This sounds like someone getting annoyed or someone who is begrudgingly asking you to do something you should have already done. Putting polite grammar such as please at the front of a request before it’s been asked is also less effective for our brains because we are trying to respond to something before, we even know what we are being asked. The better way to approach this is to make the request first and say please at the end. This way we know what we are being asked and can decide on whether we should oblige or not.
This may sound like a trivial point to some people, and I can assure you that it’s a gamechanger. From my experience, people who say “please could you” rather than “I’d like you to do X next time please” or “I’d appreciate if you could do y please” are more passive than their counterparts. One sounds like more of a wish, where the other commands more authority if it’s said in the right tone. The key is to convey your request without sounding like you are moaning or making someone feel incompetent whilst still maintaining respect and professionalism.
6. Yes but
When we use the word, “but” we are automatically on the defensive or dismissing the other persons statement and sometimes invalidating their point of view. They may be objectively incorrect in what they are saying however a simple tweak will keep them onside rather than creating a barrier of resistance. That tweak is to simply change the word “but” to “and”.
And is a word that validates someone else’s point and gives you a platform to build rapport and connection. This doesn’t mean you have to agree to what they are saying and it’s a fair reservation to think that would be the case so I will reframe this for you in an example – saying ‘Yes I understand that point, it’s important to consider it and I’d like us to also consider an alternative one.” This validates the persons point whilst also giving space for you to put yours across.
“I don’t agree with that and would like us to come back to it when we’ve explored a different perspective.” – This tells someone you don’t agree with their point without dismissing it altogether, creating room for you to put yours across.
“I don’t see that the same way and would like to put my side across so we can dive into things further.” This encourages open discussion and healthy debate for you to get your side across.
These are just some quickfire examples of how to maintain respect in a situation where people don’t agree. You may not realise how changing one word will change how your message is received and this is all down to removing any barriers or walls that the other person has up because you can’t get someone to be recipient when they hold a high level of resistance.
7. Lacking situational calibration
All the other examples in this article are phrases whereas this final one is an in the moment skill. It’s being able to read the room and requires a decent level of emotional intelligence. Social calibration refers to being or not being on the same frequency of the people around you. The simplest examples of this are when people are too casual or formal over email which creates a mismatch with the other person or when slang or loose language is used around those who are higher up in the organisation or often when someone’s communication style is completely out of sync with the rest of the room. This is painful and awkward to see and experience but the good news is that it can be trained.
Simple ways to calibrate are mimicking the tone, volume and length of communicate with those in the conversation whether that’s via email, phone or in person. This may be keeping it informal and short with sentences rather than one person dominating the conversation and talking at someone. It may be keeping email length and formalities to the same level to show respect and to be effective or it might be not changing the topic when everyone is bought in. It may also be turning up to a meeting in the appropriate dress code. These are all things everyone can learn to do, and it starts with a bit of self-awareness. Lacking self-awareness is one of the things that will derail your career and your social life if not kept in check. If you’re looking for somewhere to start, studying the work of Carol Dweck would be a fantastic place to begin.
Christian Roach, High-Performance Coach
Christian Roach is the Director of Redefining Fitness – a multi-award winning, UK-based education and consultancy company. He is the Author of Becoming Superhuman: 99 Ways to Become Your Own Superhero and a highly sought-after Fitness Educator and High Performance Coach.
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