7 Common Reasons Why Separation Anxiety Might Persist Past the Toddler Years
- Brainz Magazine
- 15 hours ago
- 9 min read
Eleni Karacostas is an entrepreneur and a passionate supporter of Positive Parenting. She is the founder of Parenting. Today, an online parent coaching platform that supports parents to raise self-confident, emotionally intelligent children, based on the latest brain research.
Have you ever been the only parent with your child on your lap at the beginning of a birthday party? Or, even for a good part of the entire party? It can happen, and it feels awkward if your child is way beyond the age where this behavior is generally expected and accepted.
So, what could be going on for your child? How can you help her leave you and go have fun with the other kids? After all, this is what her developmental stage would dictate, let alone that she would enjoy the party more than where she is, in your lap, listening to uninteresting adult conversations about this and that.
Let’s look at some common reasons why a child might exhibit this behavior and what you can do to help.
What is separation anxiety?
In one phrase, separation anxiety manifests when your child doesn’t want to part from you. In the first year of life, it peaks around 8-9 months as the baby’s brain develops, and is evident up to the child’s 3rd year of age. From that point on, under normal circumstances, it diminishes. It manifests in your child’s refusal to go to school, worry about going to bed alone, anxiety in social environments, nightmares about separation, and generalized worry about being alone. Often, it is caused by changes in life circumstances, such as going to school, divorce of the parents, moving away, the death of a loved one, the change of a caregiver, experiencing a traumatic event, etc., and it can also be partly due to genetic factors if blood relatives have a tendency towards anxiety or an anxiety disorder. If symptoms of your child’s separation anxiety are intense, this can fall under the scope of separation anxiety disorder, in which case, it is advisable to consult a pediatrician and seek treatment.
Related: Separation anxiety disorder
It is all about safety
One of the most important decisions every human is expected to take at the beginning of life is whether he is safe. A baby whose needs are readily met when they surface is most likely to be what we call ‘securely attached’ to their primary caregiver. This baby has come to the conclusion that the world is a safe place and that their needs will be met. They also conclude that they are worth loving and that they matter. This is the beginning of self-esteem, and a tremendous foundation in the young human’s development during childhood, but also in adolescence and adulthood. Beyond the first year of life, all children’s job is to constantly scan their environment for cues to make sure that they are safe. When they find proof that they are, they are then able to move on to developmentally appropriate tasks such as exploring the world through curiosity and play. The feeling of safety, thus, is a prerequisite if we want a child to naturally overcome her separation anxiety.
7 reasons why separation anxiety might persist past the toddler years
What is it then that happens when a child doesn’t feel safe enough to let go of her parent after around the age of 3 years? Let’s take a look at some common reasons why your child might exhibit separation anxiety past its expected anticipated decline.
1. Your child is more sensitive
Some children are born more sensitive than others. Sensitivity is an idiosyncratic trait, and it shows us that this child just needs a little more patience, more empathy, more reassurance. Sensitive children are more receptive to the stimuli in their environment. In other words, they interpret the incoming stimuli as more intense and more threatening in some cases, than other children. This is why a sensitive child might be even more reluctant to let go of us in an unknown situation.
2. When a child is insecurely attached
Around 60% of babies in the US are considered to be securely attached. This means that their needs were readily met by their caregivers at the time that they were ‘communicated,’ and they were able to quickly return to safety, when those needs got met. A baby whose needs were not met, or were not met quickly enough after the initial distress, might develop a different form of attachment, insecure in nature. It is observed that babies who were often left in distress, in the first year of life, are likely to develop a larger amygdala, the area in the brain that scans the environment for dangers, and this typically means that the child will be more alert to possible hazards in their environment. Of course, this is not an irreversible situation. If a child that was insecurely attached has a positive, supportive experience in the following years growing up, he is likely to surpass this mishap, however, this child might be more likely to exhibit separation anxiety in the early years.
3. A new sibling in the family
A child who was previously comfortable being away from her parent might start to show signs of the opposite, particularly with the birth of a new sibling in the family. Dethronement is highly disruptive in the elder child’s life. Suddenly, her world is shattered, and she needs to share everything with the new sibling, even her parents. Her life starts to be a constant competition for the parents’ love and attention, while, until then, it was an unquestionable ‘given.’ It is only logical that the elder child will try to ensure that her parents will be there for her, to care for her and protect her, despite the existence of the new ‘threat’ which might lead her to seek refuge and reassurance in the arms of her parents quite intensely. Where there was no separation anxiety evident, now, suddenly, it is stronger than ever. Interestingly, this tendency might emerge in the elder child when the baby has reached 2 years of age, since he is now becoming an increasingly capable human, likely to surpass the elder child in critical areas of life. Or, so the elder child interprets it. There are many ways that we can help our elder child deal with dethronement, and it is advisable to start early, in order to set the ground for a collaborative and strong sibling relationship. Our goal is to communicate to her that despite the arrival of the new member of the family, she is still adored and loved exactly as she is, and that nothing can change that.
4. A past bullying episode
A child who has experienced any kind of bullying in the early years might be more reluctant to enter social situations out of fear of a possible attack by another child. Bullying is a physical or verbal attack directed towards an individual, intended to hurt them in some way. Supporting the child to learn how to respond to bullying attempts is important from a young age, and there are countless ways that we can do that. However, what is even more important is to help our child develop a healthy self-esteem, since a child who feels valued and loved will instinctively know how to stand up for themselves when wronged or treated unfairly. If a past bullying episode prevents our child from entering social situations with a relative ease, whether we are aware of the episode or not, it is important to support our child to overcome feelings of unsafety in regards to other children, by showing complete acceptance of her reluctance to join in the group, and by devoting to her the necessary time with us, before she is ready to join in, so that she can find the courage to take that scary leap.
5. Words and actions that communicate rejection
Any kind of rupture in our relationship is interpreted by our child as a threat to their security and survival. Children are very sensitive to signs that reveal our devotion to them or not. Even a mild rejection might be received by our child as a threat, because we are their primary source of safety, we provide food, shelter, love, and affection, and children know that they cannot support themselves on their own. Therefore, if we had a fight with our child, or if we scolded them for something, or if we showed our contempt in any way, the child is likely to double down on his efforts to restore the relationship. Even an attitude of continuous criticism by the parent can communicate rejection to the child. A child who is frequently criticized will cling to the parent more strongly, desperately seeking acceptance. Which, unfortunately, is likely to bring more rejection from our part, in our effort to be set free from our child, setting us up in a vicious cycle. Clinginess is often tough for parents, because most of us, to a greater or lesser extent, have had feelings of rejection when we were growing up, and now, when our child exhibits neediness in their behavior, all these uncomfortable feelings that we felt as a child might surface and it can feel threatening. The only remedy to clinginess is to show our child complete acceptance to his cues for connection and to communicate to him that we love him, no matter what. It is the connection with us that will restore safety in the child’s mind and will allow him to let go of us.
6. Overprotection
Interestingly, overprotection is more likely to create doubt and insecurity, rather than security, which is what the parent initially intended by being overprotective. And this is why: children need to know that they live in a safe world and that they can count on their abilities to function in life. When a child hears that “this” and “that” is dangerous, or when a child is prevented from trying new tasks or experimenting with their autonomy, this child will get the message that the world is not safe, that there are dangers in every corner, and moreover, they will also conclude that their own abilities are not enough to keep them safe. A child who doesn’t progressively trust and depend on their own abilities while growing up will make sure to be close to their parent just in case.
7. Helicopter parenting
A helicopter parent is a parent who tries to monitor her child’s life to the last detail. She directs, she gives orders, she decides what her child will do, who he will be with, what he will do and she does that constantly, leaving very little room for control to the child. This intense exercise of control on a child, however, communicates to him that he cannot manage his own life, and that he always need someone to take the decisions for him. Just as an overprotective parent, a helicopter parent doesn’t give the child opportunities to experience what they can do on their own and to develop the sense of safety that comes with trusting on our own abilities and developing mastery.
Our role as parents
Think for a moment. What is your role when your child stays on your lap at the beginning of a party, refusing to let go of you? What is your role when your child struggles in any way while navigating the challenges of life?
While trying to answer that question, think that your child is a separate person from you, with different personality traits, different interests, and talents. Your job is to be able to bring that wonderful person to life, from the crib to the prom, with healthy self-esteem and a positive self-image. These are the tools that will be most useful to her when she enters the complex world of adulthood, and to overcome the obstacles that she will inevitably face, with courage.
Our role as parents is not to fix things for our children, nor to save them from situations, nor to pressure them or force them to do something against their will. It is to give them all the support they need in order to find the courage to face their obstacles on their own, by showing acceptance, by openly communicating our love, by creating safety, and by helping them trust in their own abilities. It is truly inspiring to observe what children actually manage to do on their own when they have this support from us.
The next question is, how do we create that safety, and how do we communicate our love to our children in a way that they truly feel it? That is a whole other question.
Read more from Eleni Karacostas
Eleni Karacostas, Entrepreneur, Parenting Coach, and Educator
Eleni Karacostas is an Entrepreneur, a Certified Peaceful Parenting Coach, and a mother of two. Her experience with parenting made her realize that best practices for raising children based on the latest brain research, were very little known to most parents around the globe. Having experienced the tremendous difference that these practices made in her family, she set out to contribute, together with other like-minded professionals, in passing the message across to as many families as possible. She founded Parenting. Today, an online parent coaching platform that makes it easy for parents to get all the information and tools they need to raise self-confident, emotionally intelligent children, tailored to their individual, unique family.
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