Written by: Delanie Jooste, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
If you find yourself stuck, frustrated, deflated, uninspired and even bored in a current work relationship, this article offers a fresh approach to applying coaching principles to these stale work relationships.
How would you define ‘stale work relationships?’. For me, it’s that very familiar territory where ‘you do your thing and I do mine’. ‘Stale’ does not imply that these dances are in any way passive or boring: at times these repetitive sequences can include hot and heavy engagements. It merely speaks to the way you approach these conversations and their outcomes. In fact, you’ve accepted these engagements as they are and have given up trying to get a different outcome. It can show up in the context of handling conflict, proposing new ideas or any other situations where you feel that you can bet good money on the outcome of the conversation and the other person’s actions well before the conversation takes place. At the very worst, the approach offered in this article will introduce a new approach that will be anything but boring.
Traditionally, using a coaching approach as a leader refers to supportive guidance allowing employees to develop important skills like problem-solving and creative thinking skills to find their own solutions to the challenges they face. It also includes developing an increased sense of personal agency and confidence. This approach involves active listening and asking powerful questions which remain very important and relevant in today’s fast-paced and ever-changing workplace.
To that I’d like to add a very cheesy ‘but wait, there’s more!’. Another important approach used in coaching can offer value to you and your team and that includes adopting a curious, experimental mindset in your upward and downward approach to management.
I include ‘managing upwards’ as it remains a valuable concept that expands your ability to impact your current work situation. It allows you to take responsibility for your actions and the influence you can have on your managers too. Adopting a curious and experimental mindset can therefore be used in your relationship with your manager or with your team. It holds true in any relationship where you feel stuck, and you find yourself frustrated and complaining about the same person doing the same thing and you’re finally ready to shake things up and try a new approach that will lead to new outcomes.
This curious experimental mindset follows six simple steps that loop back onto themselves and allow for continuous improvement of work relationships. You simply observe, explore, design, experiment, reflect and repeat.
Often, most of the obstacles we encounter stem from a lack of shared understanding and basic skills that are not developed. Once we identify the root cause, we can overcome these challenges in a more sustainable way. We can also integrate our strengths and skills in other areas of our work and life to support us in overcoming relational obstacles in the workplace.
Step One: Observe
Epictetus, a Greek philosopher, reminded us that ‘We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.' And I’d like to take some poetic license to expand on his wisdom:
‘We have two ears [and two eyes] and one mouth so that we can listen [and look] four times as much as we speak.'
Growing up, most of us spend a lot of time learning how to read, write, and even speak and very little time is spent learning to look and listen.
If we do the math, the ratio implies that our bodies are physically designed to gather more data than they generate – but how often do we really maintain that ratio in our interactions with others?
Observing invites us to become non-judgemental observers who collect the uncomfortable emotions and convenient labels we often dish out that lead to frustration in the first place as data points that will support your enquiry and make you more curious.
Start off by objectively gathering data. A simple way to do this would be to jot down the general flow of the conversation or situation – break it down into a formula or process, or even a few doodles, cartoon style, to build a storyline or to depict the variables that come into play.
What variables, roles and elements are involved in this formula, process or storyline?
Gather data about yourself
Notice your own body language and any other sensations like temperature, tension, pressure, or movement that might offer valuable information about the conversation you’re having and the person whom you’re sharing it with.
What am I seeing, hearing, and feeling?
Gather data about others
Notice their body language and tone, and ask when you notice a change – do not assume you know the meaning.
Gather data about the environment and time
What insights emerge when you gather data about where and when frustrating scenarios tend to unfold?
Step Two: Explore
Next, set time aside to review the data and get creative.
Consider, given the variables I observed and the relationship: “What are the current outcomes and the impact they generate?”
Step Three: Design
Now ask yourself: “What would a new formula, pattern or storyline look like that will nudge us towards building trust and respect and ultimately support our relationship and mutual goals?”Play around with a couple of scenarios, intentionally designing new future possibilities.
Conclude this part of the process by deciding what new approach you’d like to experiment with on the next possible occasion that will bring you closer to your desired outcome.
Step Four: Experiment
Now, act. Start experimenting with what you can say or do differently and new skills you can acquire to change the formula or the current storyline. When the opportunity arises – test your new approach. Have humble expectations, do not expect to ‘get it right’ the first time. Aim for progress and not perfection.
Step Five: Reflect
Finally, reflect.
What worked well?
What did not have the desired outcome?
What did I learn about myself and the other person from this experiment?
What would I like to do differently next time?
Step Six: Repeat
With that final question, you find yourself prepared for the next iterations of your experiment.
The next time you find yourself frustrated and complaining about the same employee or manager about the same thing see it as a gentle alarm bell or a bellowing foghorn that reminds you to shake things up, become curious and run some experiments to get you closer to your desired outcome.
For a quick-reference outline of the 6 steps and more reflection questions download the 6 Simple Steps to Get Unstuck in Stale Work Relationships Infographic.
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Delanie Jooste, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
I am a Certified Integral Coach through New Ventures West and the University of Cape Town Graduate School of Business. I am also a passionate Certified Enneagram Practitioner through Integrative Enneagram Solutions and run my own Consulting Business and Coaching Practice. I am creative and analytical and incorporate LEAN principles with Positive, Conversational and Emotional Intelligence concepts in Team and Leadership Development Programmes which integrate coaching, training and development initiatives to build the systems, skills, competencies and habits that allow teams and individuals to develop agency, expand their perspective and increase their capacity to achieve their desired outcomes.
