Sharon Wright, the founder of Gorgeous Hearts Coaching, is passionate about helping empty nesters to regain their vitality, realise their soul purpose and enjoy meaningful relationships. She is a qualified coach and naturopath with over 10 years of experience in somatic voice work (a modality that facilitates alignment to the soul).
When the kids have left home, it’s normal to feel a little uncertain about your direction. Having an honest, transparent and evolving relationship with your partner is a great support for you both at this time, but what if your relationship has been a bit more functional than romantic? Are you wondering how to get back to the deeper and more loving relationship that you used to enjoy? The consequences of drifting apart may fill you with dread but guess work isn’t your strong point either – how can you just get clarity on what is stopping the flow so you can give your relationship your full attention without wasted efforts?
Making your relationship work
You’ve got this – it just needs your full attention. After dedicating so many years to raising a family, asking yourself how your relationship with your partner will develop now the kids have left home, is a great place to start. You want to enjoy a deeper connection and feel purpose in your life together with your partner, so it’s important to know how to nurture a relationship during this new chapter.
As awareness is crucial to proactively working on your relationship, I’ve focused on 6 signs here that alert you to the possible problems that couples in the empty nest can often face. These 6 signs that your relationship needs your full attention now that the kids have left home, will bring attention to how you can be on the front foot and avoid reactions, and their myriad of escalations, whilst nurturing acceptance and understanding which always help to deepen and enrich your connection.
6 signs to look out for
1. Struggling with a new identity
Do you find yourself saying things like, “I don’t know who I am anymore? Both you and your partner possibly miss the defined roles that you had as parents and it’s easy to feel purposeless, lack confidence or feel low self-esteem and wish for a new meaning to life. All of this is exacerbated by menopause symptoms and other midlife transitions that can affect your sleeping patterns and overall levels of wellness, leading to reactions that put a strain on the relationship. Studies have linked empty nest syndrome with increased feelings of sadness, loss, and self-doubt, particularly in postmenopausal women, so you’re not alone here.
There’s nothing wrong with asking what’s next, but rather than looking outside of yourself for answers to some ideal of what your dream your purpose might be, be more present in your everyday actions and focus more attention on your innermost. This allows you to observe that the smallest of actions (such as chores, self-care or commuting, for example) feel purposeful and to create a habit of commitment that allows purpose to naturally unfold. Be gentle with yourself and with each other while you explore and share your feelings about this. Shared purpose is what unites couples and in the empty-nest, you’ll find that there is plenty of space for stepping into your authentic self – your purpose.
2. Emotional distance
Is conversation mundane and superficial? Maybe the shopping or money saving strategies have taken center stage whilst interest in each other’s deeper feelings has been ignored. Years of focusing on children can leave you feeling like administration colleagues rather than romantic partners and it can often be difficult to be vulnerable and transparent again which causes a lack of intimacy or true connection. The key here is to observe because when you lose your own connection, you feel distance, and this is when the reactions occur and your partner gets the blame. Of course, this cuts both ways, so if you feel that your partner is blaming you for their own lack of connection, observe this behaviour and lead the way from your heart rather than reacting to the trigger of blame.. We shouldn’t be complacent or comfortable in the functionality and ‘getting through’ life. When you feel like saying something about how you feel, practice writing it down first.
Journaling your thoughts and feelings can make it easier to express them to your partner. As you express more deeply, it gives your partner permission to do the same.There’s nothing more beautiful than transparency in a relationship.
3. Heightened reactions
Are you finding yourself getting more irritable than you used to? Are you snapping at your partner and feeling guilty afterwards? There are many things in life that can cause disruption, distraction and disregard such as mood swings, career stagnation or money issues, to name a few. There’s no use, in my experience anyway, in overthinking this, that’s why I feel it’s imperative to come back to your body. Try colour coding your body’s stages of anxiety, for example:
Blue for when you are in total settlement (meditation, for example) – what takes you to and maintains you in blue?
Green for slightly perturbed – what took you out of blue? What does it feel like to be green? What happened?
Yellow – too many thoughts in your head – what do you feel and what behaviours are common when you’re in yellow?
Orange for anxiety and physical signs of stress – what does this look like for you and how do you react with others? What mechanisms do you have for returning?
Red for overwhelm and breakdown – What happens? How does your body feel? Is it the same feeling for your partner?
These colours won’t manifest in the same way for all people – one person’s red could be yellow for another, but the idea is that you get a sense of what state your body is in at any time. If you feel like you’re escalating between colours, use a tool of your choosing to bring yourself back to your center, such as gentle breathing and voice work (see my profile to read more about this by clicking the profile link below).
4. Loneliness despite sharing the space
Do you sometimes feel misunderstood, unheard or unseen and it just makes you feel like giving up? Feeling lonely while living together is a common complaint. Studies indicate that insecure attachment styles or lack of shared interests can deepen this divide. To support this, think about what interests you have that you may share together. Is there a book that you can discuss, or music that you both like? Anything that gets you talking and sharing ideas. Do reach out for support from a counsellor, coach or therapist if you need support in this area.
5. A decline in intimacy
Do you show affection, hold hands, hug, cuddle or kiss? Or are you avoiding physical intimacy? Physical and emotional intimacy can be difficult as there are many factors that can negatively impact libido. The pressures of life create performance anxieties or avoidance of connection and there are hormonal changes, certain medications and illnesses that can have a negative impact on this too. However, it’s really important, whatever is happening or not happening between you, to work on intimacy with yourself first. When are you affectionate with yourself? How do you nurture yourself? What makes you feel sexy? What makes sexy feel wrong? Why? All of these questions have opened up some incredible sessions with my clients, because there aren’t many people you can really get deep with on this subject. My view here is to make making love a loving, living way that can culminate in a beautifully expressed physical intimacy. Don’t allow it to become a big anxious dragon that you want to hide from. If it is looking a bit fierce, face it by reaching out for support.
6. Resentment and blame – unresolved issues
Are you digging up past issues and realising that there are some things from the past that you’re holding onto? Research from the National Center for Family and Marriage Research reveals that unresolved pre-existing relationship challenges are magnified when the kids leave home and couples are alone together again. Unresolved tensions over past sacrifices or unmet expectations can resurface and you may both fall into blaming each other for feelings of stagnation or sadness.
This is why presence is so important. Reconnecting to your body in total presence brings you back to the present moment. There is only now – living in yesterday is agonising whereas living in the future is a fantasy that nobody can foretell. My work is all about helping midlife women to reconnect consistently to the present moment by being more aware of their body and creating habits with gentle movements and voice exercises that support this. These new habits, movements or expressions, support effective and non-reactive communication resulting in enriching and meaningful relationships. If you would like a complimentary chat about how it works please get in touch.
Observe and be gentle
If you notice any of these signs, or a combination of them, I encourage you to observe inwardly which will stop the worry. Observing means being present and being very honest with yourself and with your partner. Be gentle with yourself in this observation, but also be gentle with how you react, which means, don’t beat yourself up if you lose it – reactions are difficult to let go of when there are old triggers in the mix. Long-term partners know our buttons as we know theirs. It’s a learning curve as you’re both in a transition and navigating a new reality – it needs patience and understanding.
Don’t leave things – act
I’ve spoken about observation quite a lot in this blog – in my experience, including the 100’s of sessions with clients, I’ve witnessed how observation leads to realisations that help people to rebuild a deeper connection with themselves and their partners. However, I’ve also witnessed that observation alone doesn’t cut it. It’s also important to act on realisations without procrastination (this is where coaching can be super supportive).
Remember that the smallest actions are the biggest change makers. You don’t need to fix things but be ready to be steady and consistent in your own way. Then it feels easier to suggest ways to rediscover shared interests and listen to your partner’s suggestions.
Being open to compromise and to try things that may not immediately interest you, can potentially lead to new shared interests with all of the associated social implications, however, this is obviously something that you need to talk about. I always feel that approaching life like a scientist is very rewarding – experiment.
The benefits of open and transparent communication are amazing and I suggest that you talk while moving – go for a walk and talk as it takes you out of your usual environment and allows for more depth. Gentle and genuine questions that come from an authentic willingness to evolve will do away with functional communication.
Even if your partner is not ready, you will make a huge difference by working on the relationship you have with yourself but seek support if needed. I cannot stress enough how important it is to reach out for support rather than worry about things.
Finally structured approaches like Dr. Gottman’s "Love Maps" and creating shared meaning are popular and have proven effective in helping couples to reconnect during these big changes in life.
Be a magnetic midlife miracle and live the best part of your life in joy!
If you would like to learn more about how to feel great during midlife and rock in your relationships,, you can download my 15 page pdf booklet “How to Feel Damned Good About Yourself After 50 & Connect Deeply With Your Partner.” In it I show you how you can be present in your body more consistently and how to make self-loving rituals a part of daily life. It also comes with some bonus somatic voice exercises that help you to let go of anxiety by reconnecting to your body and expressing yourself more lovingly.
Read more from Sharon Wright
Sharon Wright, Somatic Voice & Relationship Coach
Sharon Wright spent many years searching for true meaning and love in her life. After many spiritual detours, that nearly destroyed her marriage, she learned that her body was a way to connect to true love, aka the soul. She has since developed and shared techniques to facilitate that reconnection via awareness of the vibrational integrity of the voice. She both coaches and mentors her clients, empty nesters who often feel alone after their kids have left home, to manage anxiety and connect more deeply with their partners. One of her main tenets, that the vibrations of the voice can harm or heal, depending on the energy one is aligned to, brings focus to heart-led living for purposeful and evolving relationships.
