Written by: Rebecca Helps, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
You are a terrible person if you are angry. Right? Most of us are taught that anger is wrong. The truth is feeling angry isn't good or bad. Anger is information. It tells us there is a problem. When we assume there is no reason for the anger, it prevents us from identifying the problem. There are six main reasons why we get angry. When we understand how these reasons apply to us, we can then work on resolving the cause of the problem, the reason we are mad. The reasons we get angry involve physical safety, love, respect, control, self-acceptance and fairness.
Are you safe?
Where I live, outside of Vancouver, BC, we have cougars (aka mountain lions). They aren't common, and I have never seen one when hiking, but I know what to do if I see one. Get big. Get angry. Tap into my anger and scare off the cougar.
The problem is that we tap into anger when we think there is a threat to our physical safety.
Often, we unconsciously perceive a physical threat because we have been triggered. On pages 66-67 of Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma, Dr. Janina Fisher, Ph.D., tells the story of a client who was angry about her husband's and son's behaviour at dinner. As Dr. Fisher investigates why her client is angry, she asks what would have happened to the client if she had acted like her husband and son when she was young. The client responds, "We would have been beaten within an inch of our lives – it would have been stupid and dangerous!" In other words, there was no current danger. We can work through our reactions when we recognize that we are being triggered and there is no physical threat to our safety.
Do you feel loved?
Often, we are told by others that they love us. We might even tell ourselves that we love ourselves. There is a big difference between hearing it and feeling it. We feel loved when we experience kindness, patience, acceptance, understanding, connection and inclusion. A parent may say they love us, but it is hard to feel loved when they are disapproving.
When we don't feel loved, or rather when we feel hurt or rejected, we often become angry. We want to be accepted, and it hurts when we are not.
We must remember that someone else's inability to love us is not a reflection of us. It reflects that person's limitations and, ultimately, the hurt they are suffering. That applies to parents, partners, or ourselves.
When we feel hurt, we must remind ourselves that we are loved and lovable. Even if other people, including ourselves, do not show that love. And check to see if the emotional hurt is from the past or the present. Are you being triggered by a lack of felt love in the past, perhaps when you were growing up.
Are you being disrespected?
To be disrespected, you must first believe that someone else's actions or thoughts dictate your value and significance. If our value or importance is not acknowledged, it is easy to become angry.
You can also believe the opposite. That your worth and significance are intrinsic. You are born with it, and no one can give it to you or take it away. This is self-respect.
In believing other people dictate our worth, we often want to fight and defend ourselves to ensure our worth is acknowledged. However, if our value is intrinsic, what does it matter what others think of us?
Many historical examples demonstrate one group trying to dictate the value of another person or a group. One example is the suffragettes' movement. It is easy to see that women were not respected and not seen as valued members of society. That doesn't take away a woman's value, nor does it take away from the value of the group or movement.
Next time you feel angry because of what another person says or does, ask if that person's judgement impacts who you are and your value?
It must be perfect!
Control! It must be done the right way! It must be done my way! The need for control is a common reason for anger. The question is, why does it matter how it gets done. What does it mean if you participate in an activity or task that doesn't get done perfectly?
Often, we want things to be done perfectly to ensure we are not blamed or shamed for anything that doesn't go right. We are protecting ourselves from getting in trouble. The question is, who are we getting in trouble with? Are we protecting ourselves from a current threat, or are we protecting ourselves from a past threat? Did you grow up with a parent or parents who were critical and had high expectations? Did you get 98% on a math test, and instead of being congratulated, you were asked why didn't you get 100%.
When angry because things are not going as you think they should, it is essential to ask why it matters. See if you can come up with a good reason that doesn't involve circular logic.
Are you critical of yourself?
The need for self-acceptance is often at the root of anger. We get mad at ourselves for the choices we have made. We think we are not good enough, smart enough or capable enough. We are angry at ourselves and fear other people will think less of us, which adds to our anger.
Increasing self-acceptance will decrease anger. Self-acceptance is different than self-esteem. Self-esteem means believing you are great and awesome. Self-esteem pumps us up and helps us face our fears and take on new challenges. Self-acceptance means accepting where you are at and being ok with it. For example, I accept that I am in my mid-forties and overweight and have yet to achieve the level of physical fitness that I want. I am still trying to lose weight and build more muscle. I'm just not beating myself up for not being there yet. How are you being hard on yourself? Can you accept yourself for where you are right now? It doesn't mean you have to stay there. It just means you can be kind to yourself while working through whatever challenge you face.
It's not fair!
The need for justice and fairness is behind a lot of anger. This type of anger has changed the world when directed towards righting injustices. Here are two simple truths:
Life isn't fair. That doesn't mean we should settle for unfairness and unequal treatment. Focus your anger on working to create better circumstances for yourself and others.
What we perceive as unfair may not be. It is essential to work on taking a step back and being open to seeing a situation from different perspectives than your own
Accepting that the world and our lives are not fair means we can move forward to action instead of getting stuck in anger and inaction. It can feel good to have righteous anger and point out inequalities. But focusing on what you don't have doesn't change anything.
We should keep sight of systemic injustices. By acknowledging that life is not fair, we can focus on changing what we can and accepting what we can't change (at least for the moment). With focused effort, anything can be changed over time. In other words, use anger to identify the problem and then move on to solving the problem.
Here is an anger de-escalation checklist to help with your anger:
Ask: Am I in physical danger (in the present moment)? If the car that cut you off is blocks away, you are no longer in danger.
If you are in physical danger, work on removing yourself from the situation.
Ask: Am I being triggered. If yes, remind yourself that by saying, "I am being triggered." Keep repeating that.
Remember, you can ask your anger to not overwhelm you. You can't solve the problem if you are overwhelmed with anger.
Be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up wastes energy and delays problem-solving.
Respect yourself. If other people are harming or mistreating you, find a way to remove yourself from that situation.
Remember that your worth is intrinsic. It doesn't matter what other people think of you. You know your worth.
Let go of control. Accept that things will not and can't always be done to your standards, and that is ok.
Ask yourself why you are angry? Does the current situation warrant your level of anger, or are you being influenced by the past?
Ask for help. You can not solve a problem that involves other people on your own. They need to be part of the solution.
Remember, life isn't fair. So you can either be angry or accept that and get on with living your life.
Rebecca Helps, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Rebecca Helps grew up thinking she was fundamentally flawed and believed people didn't like or want her around. This left her alone, exhausted, anxious, depressed and afraid. Rebecca's anxieties and fears impacted both her personal and professional life. She knew she needed to do something to get her life back on track. Rebecca took action, signing up for a personal growth course, which was also the start of a 3-year counsellor training program.
As a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor, Rebecca uses her counselling skills to help individuals and organizations heal, grow, and be the best version of themselves. Rebecca believes that because we spend most of our day at work, it is essential to foster mental health by bringing psychotherapy directly into our places of work.
