Written by: Jennifer Wren Tolo, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
When I ask high-achieving women what they want or need, it is usually: better time management, more time for self-care and work-life balance. But, ask them if they need help with stress reduction and they say, “I don’t really have stress.”
How often do we find ourselves saying, “I’m fine” when asked how we are or if we need help?
But is everything really fine? What if it isn’t?
Do you ever feel like you are treading water in life's ocean, trying to keep your head afloat while your kids, work demands and life's chaos does cannonballs around you?
Do you take on too many tasks and find yourself saying, “I don’t have time” when it comes to you and what you enjoy? Do you feel like you are barely keeping your lips above water?
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Because we high-achieving women hold ourselves to a standard of perfection or pleasing others. We are constantly trying to be enough and do enough to prove that we are strong and capable and… enough. We are so busy showing up for everyone else that we “don’t have time” to show up for ourselves.
The Price of “I’m Fine”…
I used to be like that…I had a really hard time letting people help me.
I had this subconscious drive to prove that I was capable enough, smart enough, strong enough, and resilient enough.
But, wearing my “super mom” or “wonder woman” cape was beginning to take its toll on my mental, physical, and even spiritual health.
When my kids were little, one of my sons was in his maintenance treatment of chemotherapy for leukemia. I had another son with behavioral and cognitive challenges from his neonatal stroke and an older son I was trying to provide a “normal life” for.
I said yes to being part of the PTO, to being a room mom, to being on the health and wellness committee and to grandiose birthday parties I did from scratch. But… I was exhausted, and reactive snapping at my kids, other parents, and my spouse, having frequent migraine headaches and battling postpartum depression. Did I mention I had a newborn as well?
I was feeling like, no matter what I did, it was never enough. I felt caught in this vicious spiral of worry, projection, comparison, and discontent.
God/the Universe gives moments of reality checks and "life slaps” whenever we seem to be stuck in "have to's" and "should be’s" instead of enjoying the here and now. These are magical messages to help us connect to our own needs and truths.
My moment was when I thought I was having a stroke one morning, reading to my little ones, dropping my speech, seeing pixels on the page, and feeling my right arm and tongue go numb. I called my husband at work.
“Call 911 you might be having a stroke!”
Me: “I can’t call 911, who will watch the kids? I have to pick up the boys from school in an hour!”
My husband called my neighbor who came over to watch my kids while I drove myself to the hospital. I know I know… not very smart. But, this was my universal “life slap”.
I realized that my life needed to change.
More importantly, my choices, my priorities, and my mindset needed to shift. I needed to put myself, my health, and my well-being on the top of the to-do list, or I wouldn’t be around for my kids.
Have you ever had a “life slap” moment that woke you up?
Have you ever thought that something needs to change? Maybe you just can't keep going like you are going. Do you need a better work-life balance?
Thankfully, along with that smack upside my head came an opportunity to work with an intuitive life coach.
At this point, I was open to the possibility that my life could be better, could be more balanced than it was. I just needed the right tools and the right mindset.
This was where I began to shift from surviving to thriving and from powerless to empowered. I started to simplify my life and prioritize what brings me joy and feeds my soul.
The key thing to remember is that stress is all about perception. The mind controls the body and the triggered mind gets stuck in the “fight or flight” feedback loop, or, what I like to call, a stress spin. With tools and practice, you can take back control over your mind’s stress perception and your body’s reaction to perceived stress.
Here are 3 basic steps to start with:
Take purposeful pauses to just breathe and reset your nervous system so you can be present with yourself at the moment (without guilt or distraction.)
Identify what is most important to you and what you need at this moment, so you can gain perspective and clarity.
Eliminate everything else; the “should,” the “suppose to’s” and the “story” you tell yourself in your mind. Only this moment matters and is what you have control over, so let the rest go.
Life is more about creating the life you want, versus the life you think you have to lead.
So, how do you begin to create the life you want and find more calm and connection in it?
Here are 3 more tips to help navigate and shift our perception of life’s stress:
SIMPLIFY your life by evaluating your expectations, assumptions, and daily “to-dos.” Pick three to five things you want to accomplish in a day and make sure one thing, at least, is a self-care item. Our “to-do” lists are usually long and unrealistic and make our lives much more chaotic than they should be.
PRIORITIZE what is truly important to you. These are not the “should” or “suppose to do” on your never-ending list, but the “want to” and “important to me” things that fuel your soul and sense of connection to what matters most to you.
BECOME A POSITIVE REALIST by accepting things for what they are instead of what you expect them to be or what you assume others expect of you. You may have the best of intentions, but the reality is, you are not perfect or superhuman. Wonder Woman is a cool costume and ideal, but even she has moments of, “Are you kidding me!”
Bottom line is, we need to simplify our day and life and learn to let some things go. We are not perfect and no one that matters expects us to be! Even Wonder Woman takes breaks, which allows her to be more able to focus on what she is good at and where she is most needed.
To find the peace, freedom, health, and happiness we all seek, we must simplify and let go a little. We need to let go of some control, delegate things we do not need to do or enjoy doing, ask for help, and do the best we can using the tools we have.
Our choice is one of the biggest tools we have in our toolbox of life.
You get to choose what it is that you need at this moment to be well. You get to choose what gets your energy and attention. You get to choose whether you give your power away to others, or hold onto it. Now that is a superpower!
If you are looking for more clarity and support, take my Free Power in Now Masterclass here. If you are interested in learning more about Jennifer’s programs, talks, and workshops, book a Free Clarity Call with Jen here.
Jennifer Wren Tolo, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jennifer Wren Tolo, RN, is a whole health educator, a leading transformation coach and mind, body, spirit connector for high achieving women and mothers who are so busy showing up for others that they "don't have time" to show up for themselves. She has coached women in cultivating calm and peace within themself by finding their inner strength and resilience so they can take back their power over their own health and happiness one thought, one action, one conscious choice, one moment at a time. Jennifer is a stress and resiliency educator and adjunct professor at Endicott College School of Nursing where she teaches "Holistic and Complementary Approaches to Health and Healing."
