Written by: Kirsten Johansen, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
You are fine. You feel fine. You are going about your business. Perhaps you are exercising, cooking, sitting silently, or even meditating, and then whoosh! Here it comes. The resentment. That gripping emotion that seems to have a hold on you. Your previously calm and balanced body now exhibits signs of stress. You may feel a rush of heated emotion. You’re breathing faster and shallowly up in your chest, and you may experience that familiar sinking feeling in your stomach.
And what about your mind? Whatever it was occupied with before, or even if it was empty during meditation, is now focused on the narrative of the resentment. How could they? What motivated them to do or say that? Why can't he respect my boundaries? Why does she feel the need to judge and criticize my decisions? How could he lie to my face, especially after everything I've done? You know the drill. If you are human, you have experienced resentment. You may be experiencing it right now. There is good news! Your resentment belongs to you, and you have the power to release it for good!
1. Understanding Resentment: Causes, Effects, and How to Overcome It
Resentment is bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly. Bitterness reflects anger or hurts over a bad experience or a sense of unfair treatment. Unfair treatment is characterized as unkind, inconsiderate, or unreasonable and is not based on the principles of equality and justice. It’s no wonder resentment can be persistent!
When dealing with resentment, you are essentially re-feeling or re-experiencing a historical wound. When you re-feel and re-experience a situation, it is typically accompanied by a narrative you tell yourself. You may often feel compelled to explain uncomfortable emotions, believing that understanding them will make them disappear. This is not true. They don’t disappear. They demand to be felt. That is their job. You are human and need to feel emotion. It’s okay. I know it’s unpleasant. Managing these emotions takes practice. Every time you revisit this narrative, it intensifies the feelings you experience and reinforces the memories associated with pain. You believe the narrative. It feels very real. It feels permanent. But it isn’t. Nothing is permanent. Humans are, in essence, temporary.
The great news about your resentment is that you are in charge of it. The event or situation is over. It is no longer happening to you. It is eligible to be let go and forgotten, like many other things that fade from our memory. It can go to the archive. You can discard it. You can call the movers and have it hauled away, creating a fresh space for new experiences.
2. The Power of Compassionate Honesty in Overcoming Resentment
Compassionate honesty is a powerful tool that can be accessed at any moment to deescalate the whirlwind of thoughts, feelings, and urges that often accompany resentment. It involves presenting factual statements without hyperbole, adjectives, conjecture, or interpretation. By replacing a narrative driven by intentional wounding, destructive agendas, and conspiracies to bring you down, compassionate honesty focuses on the bare facts—just the facts.
Narrative: No matter how often I tell my mom to stop commenting about my weight, she keeps it up. She claims to be concerned about my health, but I know it's solely about appearances. She doesn't want her daughter to be fat because she's embarrassed, having been on a diet her whole life. Maybe I'll avoid family events. I can't bear it anymore!
Compassionate Honesty: My mom commented on my weight.
Do you feel the difference? The latter, compassionate honesty, offers both perspective and choice. It provides the perspective that the comment is nothing more than an observation of your body size. The choice is yours—to acknowledge it as such, let it go, and prevent resentment from taking hold, or to dwell on it, fuel the narrative, and perpetuate the emotional wound for days, months, or even years to come.
3. Emotional Liberation: Releasing Resentment by Allowing the Flow of Emotions
Resentment can be intense, but it doesn't have to last long if you allow it to exist, flow through you, and dissipate. Just like waves, it may come again, but you have the power to navigate it. With practice, you can learn to liberate yourself from resentment and its emotional grip, eliminating the urge to reach for anesthesia in the form of food, alcohol, or other methods of coping that cause additional suffering.
Embracing Strong Emotions: When your mother comments on your weight, it's natural to feel hurt, humiliated, and reduced. Recognize that these intense emotions are a part of being human. Instead of offering complicated explanations, focus on acknowledging and experiencing the emotions. Allowing them to flow through you and purging them can provide relief. It's important to note that venting can intensify emotions, so opt for feeling, flowing, and purging instead.
Effective Strategies for Emotional Release:
Share with a Trusted Confidant: Reach out to someone you trust, who will listen without judgment or trying to solve your feelings. Having someone bear witness to your emotions can be immensely healing.
Primal Scream or Purging Noise: Find a private space to release your emotions. You can scream into a pillow or make a unique purging noise that resonates with you, allowing the pent-up emotions to escape.
Engage with Nature: Take a walk outdoors, as it has been a time-honored remedy for gaining fresh perspectives and clearing mental blocks.
Embrace Restorative Sleep: Napping can help clear emotional blocks, and you can leverage sleep thinking for understanding and naming your feelings. Pose a question before sleep and revisit it upon awakening, as your subconscious mind often offers insights during slumber.
Physical Exertion: Engage in activities that help release tension, such as running, weightlifting, boxing, yoga, or household chores like pulling weeds or sweeping. Cleaning can be particularly effective when emotions are at their peak.
Refreshing Shower: Take a shower and allow the soothing flow of water to wash away negative emotions. Often, the act of cleansing can help shift your mood.
Dance it Out: Turn on your favorite music and let yourself dance freely. Moving your body to the rhythm can be cathartic and uplifting.
Utilize Emotional Cheat Sheets: If you struggle to identify your emotions, consider using a cheat sheet or jar of feelings that provides a range of emotions to choose from, helping you pinpoint and name what you're experiencing.
4. Discovering Your Truth: Uncovering Resentment with Investigative Honesty
To address resentment, it is essential to engage in self-reflection and have honest conversations with yourself. You can gain clarity and understanding by separating yourself from your thoughts and emotions. This section explores the process of questioning your feelings and beliefs about resentful situations, offering insights and reflections to help you find your truth.
Why does it hurt when my mom makes comments about my weight? Answer: The desire for unconditional acceptance from a loved one, such as your mom, can make disapproving remarks feel like rejection. However, it's essential to recognize that true unconditional acceptance can only come from within yourself. By cultivating self-acceptance, you can perceive such comments as reflections of the person making them, freeing yourself from their impact.
Why do I feel humiliated when my mom comments on my weight? Answer: Seeking your mother's pride and approval has been a longstanding desire, but her tendency to offer criticism instead of compliments has left you longing for validation. However, it's crucial to accept her for who she is and adjust your expectations accordingly. Focusing on your own qualities and cultivating self-pride will provide a more authentic and fulfilling source of satisfaction.
Why do I feel reduced when my mom comments on my weight? Answer: Despite your progress in other areas of life and your commitment to self-acceptance, the comment may have triggered self-hate and the inner critic. These negative voices attempt to diminish your value based on your appearance. When self-hate arises, counteract it with self-compassion. Recognize that your worth extends beyond physical attributes, and self-love should always prevail over self-hate's deceitful narratives.
5. Nurturing Emotional Healing: Embracing Unconditional Self-Love, Acceptance, and Compassion to Release Resentment
Understanding the deceptive nature of self-hate and prioritizing unconditional self-acceptance can cultivate emotional healing and create a foundation of self-worth. This allows for making decisions from a place of self-love and aligning with personal values rather than seeking external validation.
Recognize self-hate as a deceptive force that can infiltrate your self-acceptance. Treat it as an adversary and fortify your inner defenses.
Utilize a mantra that resonates with your True North or guiding principle, such as "I accept myself exactly as I am" or "There is nothing wrong with me." Embrace this mantra with practice and repetition to manifest unconditional self-love and make self-hate unwelcome.
By reinforcing self-love, acceptance, and compassion, you diminish the power of self-hate and cultivate an environment that fosters emotional healing and growth.
When faced with important decisions, approach them with a lens of unconditional self-acceptance. Understand your values, priorities, and what truly serves your well-being.
Prioritize your own needs and desires above seeking approval or acceptance from others. Care more about yourself and your happiness, understanding that you don't need external validation to find fulfillment.
Trust in your ability to make choices that align with your true self, showing compassion and love for yourself throughout the decision-making process.
6. Confronting a Resentment Whopper: Effective Strategies for Emotional Release and Healing
Confronting and releasing deep-seated resentment is a transformative process. Create an inventory to identify sources of resentment. By examining the impact and your role in these experiences, you can cultivate self-forgiveness, heal old wounds, and take empowered actions to align with self-acceptance and reject harmful treatment.
Confronting Resentment: Creating an Inventory for Emotional Release
Create a three-column inventory to capture both small and significant resentments without self-editing.
Practice compassionate honesty by including experiences that make you cringe or feel uncomfortable, as these often reveal deep-seated wounds.
Write down the triggering event, its impact on you, and your role in the situation, highlighting behaviors that hinder self-acceptance and reinforce the inner critic.
The Healing Power of Forgiveness and Action:
Understand that forgiveness primarily benefits yourself, allowing for emotional release and freedom. It is not necessary to force forgiveness of others. Forgive yourself first, and forgiveness for others will naturally follow if it is meant to be.
Identify sources of suffering, such as childhood wounds, and recognize the need for healing and compassion towards oneself.
Acknowledge that past wounds may still impact present experiences, emphasizing that your appearance or accomplishments do not determine your value. You are intrinsically valuable.
Recognize reactions stemming from a lack of self-regard in the "your part" column and consider alternative actions. Act in ways that center your well-being; always have your own back.
Set boundaries by communicating that comments about your appearance are unwelcome, and avoid engaging in discussions about the appearance of others, prioritizing alignment with personal values and self-acceptance.
Kirsten Johansen, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
There is a path to freedom; a path to the life you deserve and desire. As a resilient survivor of many of life’s challenges, Kirsten Johansen is a creative, intuitive, seasoned guide. She teaches tools, strategies and practices that center your beliefs about yourself, and the development of unconditional positive regard, to get to the source of the stubborn thought, feeling, and behavior patterns that cause you suffering and keep you from living your happiest and most authentic life. Her writing, radio show and coaching practice reflect her passion for radically honest and vulnerable storytelling that builds a bridge of connection for humans to heal and be released into the freedom of unconditional self-acceptance.
