Written by: Natasha P. Trujillo, Ph.D., Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I often write out my visceral and cognitive experiences in the immediate aftermath of loss. I have noticed that both for myself and others, time does not always heal, despite what the old adage says. In fact, meaningful losses continue to affect daily existence both physically and psychologically, without expiration dates. For example, I often think of someone I have lost and feel deep yearning – a hollow feeling in my stomach. The emptiness magnifies their absence, covering me with weighted blankets of despair I can’t run from, making it hard to breathe. The memories and unproductive thoughts can spiral quickly, creating a merry-go-round that leaves me feeling dizzy and unable to see; pummeled by answerless questions and desire to change what cannot be undone. I find awe in how much others de-emphasize the physicality involved in the grief process. The internal experience of grief can be physically pulverizing while cognitively puzzling. The journey becomes ever more tangled when external traditions (e.g., holidays) catapult loss directly into your field of vision, rendering you unable to see through the darkness of pain.
Grief is multi-dimensional. When you've experienced a critical loss in your life, you go through painful tug-of-wars of conflicted thoughts, behaviors, and feelings. But what is grief, exactly? I often hear clients use the words grief, bereaved, and mourning without realizing the distinctions between them. Not to get too lost in the semantics of it all, but these differences do matter, and may help others make sense of their experience more fully. While it's difficult to recognize the contrasts in the midst of your sorrow (and to be frank, most people don’t care in the moment, myself included), understanding the terms and what they encompass can shine light on what you're feeling and may help guide you along your grief journey.
Defining the terms: grief, bereavement, and mourning
Grief: Grief is passive and involuntary. It is a person’s response to the event. It comes from the Latin word, gravare, meaning to make heavy. It includes emotions, thoughts, physical symptoms, and spirituality. It is unique to each individual person. That is often what makes it hard in groups or in families — because there is a belief or expectation that since a community lost the same person, place, or thing, they should all grieve the same way. Experiencing simultaneous relief and anger, appetite loss, or questioning a belief system may all be part of an individual’s nuanced grief process.
Bereavement: Bereavement is the objective event of loss. It comes from the root word, reave, meaning shorn off or torn up. This is why we don’t say that a person is bereaving, we say someone is bereaved (it is not a verb). A death, a break-up, being fired, or passed over for that long-awaited and deeply desired promotion are all objective events of loss.
Mourning: Mourning is active and voluntary. Mourning refers to the behaviors through which the bereaved incorporate the experience of loss into their ongoing life. It comes from the root word, murnan, which means to be sorrowful and anxious. It is a process rather than a reaction. In essence, it is our attempt to cope with what we have lost. Praying the rosary, having a celebration of life, or wearing only black are all ways individuals may mourn following a deep loss.
Are the stages of grief real?
Yes and no. In the past, it was believed that we navigated grief through a sequence of five stages: 1) denial, 2) anger, 3) bargaining, 4) depression, and 5) acceptance. Today, we understand that grief is, in fact, not linear and everyone processes loss differently. You can jump from bargaining back to anger and may even revisit various stages concurrently. Your experience of grief cannot be reduced to one universal combination. These stages are neither exclusive nor comprehensive. The full range of human emotion is possible in the midst of grief, both right away, and over time. With significant losses, grief does not ever go away completely, but it can morph into unique shapes and sizes that take up space differently in your life over time.
I chose to write this article at this time of year due to the not-so-hidden secret about how much grief can affect us during the holiday season. For many, the holidays bring immense joy and happiness, a renewed sense of hope and connection to end each year filled with a combination of trials and tribulations for all. However, for others, it can be the most difficult time of the year. Memories and reminders of what you no longer have can be suffocating. Energy spent towards wearing a mask or holding together a façade to convince others you are okay can drain even the heartiest of souls. The truth is, we never know what someone else is going through, and we can’t be certain how expectations around supposedly joyous events may impact those who are suffering from loss, new or old.
5 Ways to ride the grief waves during the holidays
Recognizing the complexity of grief is crucial to fostering introspection and attempts to understand our loved ones as well. Here are five areas of focus that can help grievers through the rollercoaster of holiday cheer.
1. Accept your feelings: Identify and accept your emotions rather than place judgment on them. It’s okay to feel happy, sad, or both at the same time. You may feel happy and then suddenly guilty for experiencing pleasure as you remember what you have lost. Validate your experience and allow yourself to sit with whatever you’re feeling. Try to show compassion for yourself or others, and remind yourself that you don’t need to fit the mold of others’ expectations around the holidays. You have permission to feel all the feels, and no, you are not crazy if you feel multiple conflicting emotions at once. You are human, and that is the duality that exists within life. To love also means to lose. These are typically both/and situations not either/or.
2. Maintain healthy habits: The holidays can interfere with your normal routine. Try your best to maintain healthy habits like getting enough sleep, exercising, adequate fueling, and utilizing supportive resources (e.g., therapy). You can set intentions with a focus to strive for balance. This could look like ensuring time for solitude and reflection while also scheduling social activities. You may also want to consider ways to honor old traditions/memories while creating new ones. This may involve planning ahead to determine who can step up to fill roles once held by the person you lost.
3. Set boundaries: Know and respect your limits and those of others. Allow yourself to say "no", and work to accept hearing it from someone else. It’s okay to respectfully decline visiting with family or friends that you may have a complicated dynamic with. It’s also okay to allow someone else that space if that’s what they need. Remember that you don’t need to hold yourself responsible for someone else’s holiday desires if it does more damage to your own.
4. Practice well-being: Make time for yourself and pay attention to your stress levels. You have permission to change your own mind, take breaks, arrive late, or leave early. Consider planning an exit strategy to help you better prepare for an event you are weary about. Use effective self-care techniques that address your whole person. Remember that holidays may be hard days, and remind yourself that you have survived hard days. Tap into how you’ve done that in the past and recreate or reinvent as needed.
5. Reach out for support: Identify who you can lean on: family, chosen family, friends, or professional support. Surround yourself with those who can be empathetic of the fact that you are grieving and are willing to ask what you need and respect your answers, even if they don’t understand them.
The holidays can be a challenge, and it is okay to admit that. Be patient with yourself and allow time to truly feel within your own individual journey. The only way through grief is to be with it. There are plenty of things we can “do” that may bring temporary relief, but engaging in the ever-evolving grief process requires a state of sitting with the pain – something vitally necessary to integrate loss into our lives.
Natasha P. Trujillo, Ph.D., Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Trujillo is a counseling and sport psychologist dedicated to helping individuals, teams, and organizations build awareness of self, others, and the world to reach their full potential in and out of their craft. She owns a private practice where she seeks to educate, consult, and provide mental health and sport psychology services that are evidenced-based and collaborative. She works primarily with athletes, performers, and high-achievers to help them find balance in their pursuit of success and acceptance of their own humanity. She strives to help people learn how to simply “be”, and get better at what they do. She has specializations in grief/loss, eating disorders, trauma, anxiety, & identity development.
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