Written by Anna Kuyumcuoglu, Licensed Psychotherapist
Anna Kuyumcuoglu is well-known for her somatic psychotherapies. She is the founder and CEO of Wall Street Therapy, a private practice in the heart of New York's financial district.
Anger is often misunderstood. While many see it as a negative emotion, anger, when used wisely, can be a powerful force for change, boundary-setting, and self-awareness. The key is recognizing whether anger is being used productively to create positive change or destructively in ways that harm relationships and personal well-being.
5 ways to distinguish between productive and destructive anger and how to channel it for growth
1. Productive anger sets boundaries: Destructive anger violates boundaries
Productive: Anger signals when a personal boundary has been crossed, helping us communicate our needs assertively. For example, saying, "I need you to stop yelling at me" rather than shutting down or lashing out.
Destructive: Anger that disregards others' boundaries, such as yelling, name-calling, or controlling behavior, creates fear and disconnection.
2. Productive anger leads to problem-solving: Destructive anger creates blame
Productive: When anger is expressed through honest communication, it leads to resolutions. It says, "Something isn’t working; let’s find a way forward."
Destructive: Anger that turns into blame sounds like, "You always do this!" or "This is all your fault!" It keeps people stuck in conflict rather than moving toward solutions.
3. Productive anger acknowledges feelings: Destructive anger suppresses or explodes
Productive: Healthy anger allows for emotional regulation. It acknowledges feelings like hurt, frustration, or injustice and channels them into meaningful conversations or actions.
Destructive: Bottling up anger often leads to resentment or sudden explosive reactions that damage relationships. Suppressed anger can also manifest as passive-aggression or withdrawal.
4. Productive anger is temporary & context-specific: Destructive anger becomes a pattern
Productive: Anger arises in response to a situation and fades once addressed. It’s an emotional signal, not a permanent state.
Destructive: Chronic anger, where frustration is carried into multiple situations and relationships, signals unresolved pain that needs deeper exploration.
5. Productive anger motivates growth: Destructive anger leads to regret
Productive: Anger can be a catalyst for personal growth, motivating us to stand up for ourselves, advocate for change, or pursue goals with passion.
Destructive: When anger is left unchecked, it often results in words or actions that cause harm, leading to guilt, regret, and broken connections.
Turning anger into an ally
Anger is not the enemy; it’s a messenger. The key is learning how to listen to it without being controlled by it. When anger is expressed with awareness, it strengthens relationships, deepens self-understanding, and empowers action toward positive change.
By recognizing the difference between productive and destructive anger, we can move from reacting to responding, transforming anger into a tool for healing and transformation.
Read more from Anna Kuyumcuoglu
Anna Kuyumcuoglu, Licensed Psychotherapist
Anna Kuyumcuoglu is a trauma-informed licensed psychotherapist specializing in emotional healing and connection. With a focus on creating safe spaces for growth, they help individuals move from patterns of protection to meaningful connections. Anna is passionate about empowering others to reclaim their resilience and build fulfilling relationships.
