Written by: Debra Whitson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Deciding to separate from your spouse is never easy, and even more so if you have kids together. However, sometimes it is better for children to have two happy parents who co-parent cooperatively than parents who are modeling unhealthy behaviour for their kids, because they are unhappy. Once you have made decision to divorce and have focused on you and your kids’ best interests, how do you help them not only survive the divorce, but go on to become healthy, happy children?
According to Laura Broadwell, in her article “Effects of Divorce on Children: An Age-by-Age Guide”, “Divorce represents a pivotal and often traumatic shift in a child's world—and from their perspective, a loss of family. When told about the divorce, many children feel sad, angry, and anxious, and they might have a hard time grasping how their lives will change. A child's age also impacts their response to the new family structure.”
Additionally, children may feel that they are to blame for their parents’ divorce, or struggle with the changes in family dynamics. By successfully navigating your co-parenting to present a united front when dealing with your kids, you can help them by providing structure and stability.
Here I explain five ways to help your children heal after the divorce and how you can minimize their stress and help them adjust to the new circumstances.
1. Listen and acknowledge their feelings
Encourage your kids to talk to you about how they are feeling and if they have trouble expressing themselves, help them find words to describe the feelings they are feeling. Really listen to what they are saying and let them be honest. As they age, they may have additional questions about the divorce. Also be available to answer any doubts they may have, and to reassure them that they are secure and loved. Find ways to resolve their feelings together, and always encourage them to have a healthy relationship with your co-parent.
2. Reassure them that the divorce is not their fault
Let them know that your decision to divorce from your ex has nothing to do with their behaviour, or grades or even arguments that they might have had with you. Be patient and provide guidance and reassurance as to why your marriage didn’t work out. Remind them that they are loved by both parents, and that nothing will change that or get in the way of your relationship with them.
3. Provide stability and routines
Your children may need help adjusting to new circumstances, so creating some regular routines at each household may go a long way in providing them with some comfort and familiarity. Resist the temptation to spoil your kids, but make sure that they have enough clothes, toys and furniture at each parent’s house to make them feel like that is their personal space. Create new traditions around the holidays, and maintain consistent rules around discipline, bedtimes, and schoolwork. Make sure that they are always able to communicate with the other parent, and that both of you are aligned in your values and beliefs with regards to your parenting.
4. Resolve parenting conflicts with your ex
Compromise with your co-parent when necessary. You and your ex may not always know how to navigate all the various factors surrounding your co-parenting, but it is important to know when to put your kids’ best interests first. If you find yourself constantly disagreeing with your ex over co-parenting issues, it may be a wise decision to consider mediation. Mediation, in which a neutral third party helps you to reach an amicable solution, might be a good option for when you don’t see eye to eye with your ex on co-parenting issues like visitation schedules, parenting plans or financial responsibilities that you may have towards your kids. At WhitsonLaw, PLLC. we offer a service package called “Our Family In Two Homes” which combines a resource package with mediation to help you avoid the warfare associated with divorce and ensure that your children do not become collateral damage. We have helped thousands of clients go on to raise healthy, happy children.
5. Limit negative comments about the other parent
After your divorce, to successfully co-parent means setting aside any resentment, pain, anger, or other feelings you might have towards your ex. Never say unkind things about your co-parent to your children, make them feel like they must choose between the parents, or vent to them. Compartmentalize those emotions and think about your child’s best interests. Never use them to convey messages to the other parent, and call, text, or email your ex directly. Your child’s relationship with their parent should be special and not influenced by the previous marital relationship the two of you once had.
Be sure to check out all the information and resources on our law firm website, and the website of our sister company, Mediated Online Solutions, LLC.
Debra Whitson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
For the first half of her career, Debra Whitson was a prosecutor, and she spent the latter half specializing in Matrimonial and Family Law. She is an experienced mediator and collaborative divorce practitioner as well as a recognized expert in working with victims of domestic violence. Debra believes that legal battles are more harmful to families than helpful, and is passionate about helping people find ways to make their own decisions for their families, rather than leaving their outcomes in the hands of a stranger in a black robe. When court is unavoidable, Debra aims to educate and support people to make the legal process less costly, scary, uncertain, and stressful.
