Written by Martina Magnery, Relationship Coach & CEO
Martina Magnery is a Psychotherapist, Relationship Coach, and the visionary CEO of Clarityfor, a leading Personal Development Coaching Company. At Clarityfor, Martina and her team provide evidence-based approaches to help individuals achieve transformative and measurable personal growth.
Whether you are struggling in your relationship or navigating the daunting dating world, the principles for what constitutes a successful relationship can be applied to ensure lasting love. These laws are not just abstract ideas but are rooted in decades of evidence informed research from relationship science. The laws of love can also be found in a myriad of ancient texts and philosophies throughout time. Implementing the Universal Laws for relationship success can help couples build trust, intimacy, and psychological safety and assist those in the dating realm to make good decisions when picking a partner.
Let’s look at the research, mythologies and ideologies that support these five laws and how they underpin relationship success.
1. The law of pursuit: Always choose connection
The Law of Pursuit emphasizes the need for consistent effort in maintaining a strong connection. In thriving relationships, partners must continually seek ways to engage with each other emotionally, mentally, and physically. This is not the grand gestures but regularly showing your partner that they are important to you. In the dating game a green flag is when a pursuer shows the genuine effort that is the hallmark of building a life together. I teach my couples that their progress is dependent on their ability to be coachable and each partner’s effort to action what they learn through the coaching experience.
Backed by research: Pursuit and emotional connection
Dr. John Gottman’s research on emotional bids highlights the importance of "turning towards" your partner in small, everyday interactions. Gottman found that bids for attention–whether it’s a request for conversation or affection–are more likely to stay together for the long haul. An example would be if your partner turns towards you when you make a bid for connection rather than turns away by walking into another room or scrolling on their phone when they reply to you.
Even in a relationship that has lost its spark or experienced betrayal, it’s never too late to pursue your partner and regain emotional connection with the smallest of interactions.
The greek myth of Eros and Psyche
The love story of Eros (Cupid) and Psyche is a beautiful example of the Law of Pursuit–the idea that love must be actively pursued and nurtured. Psyche, a mortal woman, falls in love with Eros, the god of love. After their secret relationship falls apart due to a betrayal of trust, Psyche embarks on a long and arduous journey to win Eros back. She undergoes several impossible tasks set by Aphrodite, Eros’ mother, showing her willingness to pursue love against all odds.
This myth highlights the need for persistence, trust, and effort in relationships. Psyche’s journey illustrates that love is not a one-time event but something that must be actively worked on and pursued, even when challenges arise.
Much like Psyche’s quest to reunite with Eros, communication, attention, and effort are required to in the world of modern relationship to keep love alive.
Key actions to apply the law of pursuit
Engage in regular, meaningful conversations with your partner about their thoughts and feelings.
Show appreciation and affection through small, thoughtful gestures every day.
Prioritize emotional and physical intimacy by creating shared experiences.
2. The law of priority: Hierarchy is important
The Law of Priority underscores the importance of making your relationship the highest priority no matter how busy life may get. Whether it’s work, hobbies, or social commitments, couples who consciously choose to place their relationship above other demands tend to experience greater satisfaction and connection.
Backed by research: Prioritizing your relationship
According to Interdependence Theory, individuals in committed relationships are more likely to prioritize the relationship's needs over their own goals.
Studies show that when partners make the relationship their top priority, they are more willing to make sacrifices, which leads to higher relationship satisfaction.
Similarly, research on work-life balance indicates that couples who set aside quality time for each other, despite busy schedules, report higher levels of emotional intimacy and less conflict. This prioritization ensures that both partners feel valued and understood, preventing feelings of neglect.
I always remind my clients that the relationship must come first, then work, then kids. Throughout history, many ancient texts and philosophies have emphasized the importance of prioritizing relationships above all else, including work and even children. This concept reflects the idea that a strong, harmonious relationship between partners serves as the foundation for a stable, thriving family and society. Let’s explore how this principle has appeared in various ancient teachings.
1. The Bible: Marriage as the primary bond
In the Judeo-Christian tradition, the Bible places great emphasis on the sacred bond of marriage, often elevating it above all other relationships, including parent-child dynamics. In Genesis 2:24, it is written:
"Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
This passage underscores the idea that the marital relationship takes precedence over the family of origin. Marriage is depicted as a union around which all other aspects of life should revolve. The emphasis is on the idea that a strong, loving marital relationship creates the foundation for a stable family structure, which is then passed down to children.
2. Confucianism: Harmony begins with two
In ancient China, Confucianism taught the importance of relationships in maintaining societal harmony and stability. Confucius spoke about the five relationships, with the husband-wife relationship being the most crucial.
According to Confucian beliefs, if the relationship between husband and wife is harmonious, the entire household will benefit. The marriage bond served as the central pillar with work and other responsibilities seen as secondary.
3. The Talmud: Partnership before parenthood
In Jewish tradition, the Talmud reflects on the sacredness of marriage and the unique partnership it creates between a husband and wife. One Talmudic principle goes as far as declaring that a man without a wife is not a complete person, emphasizing the importance of marriage over other life aspects.
There is a clear prioritization of the marital relationship in Jewish teachings as the bedrock that provides a nurturing environment for children. In this view, the relationship between spouses is the first focus of attention before parenting or professional life.
4. The Vedas and Hindu teachings: Relationship dharma
In Hinduism, the concept of dharma refers to the duties and responsibilities each partner must uphold to maintain cosmic order. Within this framework, marriage is considered one of the essential duties of life. The Vedas are ancient Hindu scriptures that promote marriage as a sacred bond where the couple become "householders” the source from which to build a happy home.
While family and work are important aspects of dharma, Hindu teachings often emphasize that the husband-wife relationship must come first, as it forms the basis for fulfilling other duties, including raising children and pursuing work or spiritual goals.
The common thread: Partnership is the foundation
Across these various traditions, one common theme emerges: the idea that the relationship between partners must come first.
In modern day life many couples find themselves placing work or children at the forefront of their lives. however, ancient wisdom reminds us that a stable, loving partnership creates a solid foundation from which everything else grows.
Key actions to apply the law of priority
Consistently create uninterrupted date nights or weekends away.
Set boundaries with work, friends, and family to protect your relationship.
Communicate regularly with your partner the relationship’s needs.
3. The law of commitment: Choose each other every day
The Law of Commitment highlights the need for devotion between partners, even in times of difficulty. Commitment is more than a decision to stay together–it’s about choosing to work through challenges, mutual personal growth, and emotionally supporting each other through thick and thin.
Backed by research: The power of commitment
Psychologist Caryl Rusbult’s Investment Model identifies commitment as a key factor in predicting long-term relationship success. According to the model, commitment is influenced by relationship satisfaction, the size of investments (emotional, financial, time-based), and the lack of attractive alternatives. When couples feel deeply committed, they are more likely to weather difficulties and work toward solutions.
Research also shows that couples who are highly committed are more likely to forgive one another after conflicts and engage in pro-relationship behaviors like patience, understanding, and open communication. This ability to remain committed during challenging times is a key predictor of long-term relationship stability.
Key actions to apply the law of commitment
Reaffirm your dedication to the relationship during difficult times by practicing open communication and empathy.
Work on one’s personal development to strengthen the partnership.
Practice forgiveness and patience, understanding that commitment includes overcoming challenges together.
4. The law of reciprocity: Mutual giving and receiving
Reciprocity, the principle of mutual exchange, is vital for creating a balanced, fair relationship. The Law of Reciprocity means that both partners give and receive in equal amounts, whether it’s emotional support, physical affection, or practical help. A lack of reciprocity can lead to feelings of resentment, where one partner feels overburdened or taken for granted.
Backed by research: Reciprocity and relationship equity
The concept of reciprocity aligns with Equity Theory, which suggests that relationships are most satisfying when both partners perceive that they give and receive equally. Imbalances—where one partner consistently gives more than they receive—can lead to dissatisfaction, frustration, and conflict.
Research on emotional responsiveness supports the idea that couples who are emotionally attuned to one another’s needs, and who reciprocate affection and support, report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. Emotional atunement builds trust and emotional safety, creating a positive feedback loop that strengthens the bond between partners.
Key actions to apply the law of reciprocity
Practice gratitude regularly by appreciating your partner’s efforts and contributions.
Be mindful of your partner’s emotional and physical needs, ensuring that you are both giving and receiving.
Share responsibilities, both practical and emotional, to prevent imbalances in the relationship.
5. The law of growth: Evolving together
The Law of Growth emphasizes the importance of both personal and mutual development in a relationship. Relationships are dynamic, constantly evolving when each partner grows individually and as a couple. When each partner works on their personal growth the relationship adopts a growth mindset that keep the relationship fresh and interesting in the long run.
Backed by research: Growth and relationship satisfaction
The Self-Expansion Theory suggests that relationships are more satisfying when both partners experience personal growth and share new experiences together. Whether it’s learning new skills, pursuing individual goals, or simply discovering new hobbies together, these opportunities for growth create a sense of mutual respect and a new level excitement in the relationship.
Actionable example: Grow together
Support each other’s growth: If your partner wants to pursue a new hobby or career goal, offer encouragement.
Try new experiences together: Engage in activities that challenge you both—whether it’s a new hobby, travel, or learning together
Check in regularly: Talk about how you’re growing both individually and as a couple. Set goals together and celebrate each other’s achievements.
Conclusion: Building a lasting relationship
The Laws of Pursuit, Priority, Commitment, Reciprocity, and Growth offer a powerful framework for relationship success. Relationship science and ancient wisdom support these principles and remind us that love is not just a feeling– it’s a series of daily actions, decisions, and investments that keep the emotional connection with our partner strong.
When couples pursue each other, prioritize the relationship, stay committed, practice mutual reciprocity, and grow together, they build a foundation of trust, respect, and intimacy that can withstand the tests of time. Relationship success doesn’t happen by accident; it’s built through intentional effort, dedication, and a willingness to grow together.
By understanding and applying these five laws, couples can create deep, meaningful partnerships that not only survive but thrive.
One of the best ways to currently work through your relationship issues is to do a two and three-day couples intensive. Martina Magnery holds these intensives online, in her coaching space and as part of a retreat. Find out more about intensives and other personal development offerings at Clarityfor.com.
Read more from Martina Magnery
Martina Magnery, Relationship Coach & CEO
Martina Magnery is a Psychotherapist, Relationship Coach, and the visionary CEO of Clarityfor, a Personal Development Coaching Company. At Clarityfor, Martina and her team offer evidence-based approaches to help individuals achieve transformative and measurable personal growth. Beyond her role as a coach and CEO, Martina also shares her expertise as the host of the Clarityfor People podcast, where she delves into the art of personal development and relationship dynamics with insight and passion.
References:
Bids for Connection
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books
Gottman, J., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). "The Science of Marriage: A New Introduction." Scientific American, 282(6), 32-39
Self-Expansion Theory
How people seek to expand their identities through relationships.
Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1986). "Love and the expansion of self: Understanding attraction and satisfaction." Paradigm Publishers
Aron, A., Norman, C. C., & Aron, E. N. (2001). "The self-expansion model of motivation and cognition in close relationships." Handbook of Theories of Social Psychology, 1, 427-448.
Walster, E., Walster, G. W., & Berscheid, E. (1978). Equity: Theory and Research. Allyn & Bacon
Equity Theory
Hatfield, E., & Rapson, R. L. (1993). "The equity theory of love." In Advances in Personal Relationships, 4, 1-33
Caryl Rusbult’s Investment Model
Rusbult, C. E. (1980). "Commitment and satisfaction in romantic associations: A test of the investment model." Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 16(6), 172-186. Link to article
Rusbult, C. E., Martz, J. M., & Agnew, C. R. (1998). "The investment model scale: Measuring commitment level, satisfaction level, quality of alternatives, and investment size." Personal Relationships, 5(3), 357-387. Link to article
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