Laurenza Buglisi specialises in supporting families affected by sexual violence, intergenerational trauma, and family estrangement. She also provides training and consultancy in child safeguarding practices for organisations and social work professionals.
Living with grief can be challenging even at the best of times but few things are as difficult as trying to parent your child while grappling with a painful loss. Grief itself can take many forms – it might be a result of death or separation, or it can be anticipated in the form of a terminal illness that has not quite ran its course. Grief can also be disenfranchised, which means it goes unrecognised by the wider society, making it even harder for the person grieving to feel validated or supported in their loss. This might apply to a relationship with someone significant who sexually abused you during childhood or estrangement from a once close family member who did not believe the abuse had occurred. Disenfranchised grief also applies to relationships that might experience intense conflict or tension due to undiagnosed mental illness. If you are a parent who is experiencing some form of grief, read on to learn my top five tips for how to manage this without it affecting the relationship with your child.
Acknowledge and express your grief
Firstly, it is necessary to recognise your grief for what it is a tangible loss of someone that is or was once important to you. Grief is a universal experience and a normal reaction to a significant loss. Regardless of the circumstances, it is important to know that processing grief is not a linear journey. My counselling clients have often reflected on the impossible task of fully removing grief from your life; instead, it is something you learn to live alongside. It becomes part of the fabric of your life experiences. Many people genuinely worry that if they allow their loss too much time in the spotlight then their grief will turn into an uncontrollable avalanche inside their mind. However noticing your grief is the first step to being able to find ways to express it, which is a form of releasing it from within your mind and body.
Look after yourself
Pay attention to how you are physically feeling within your body. Find ways to engage in self-care, through nurturing yourself with good nutrition and exercise or practicing grounding or relaxation techniques. You might also want to consider engaging with a therapist who specialises in grief counselling.
Connect with others
Loss and grief can often be accompanied by a profound sense of loneliness and isolation. It is important to reach out to others for connection. Many people prefer to connect with people who have had similar experiences to themselves. You could try accessing a support group either in person or online; however, any type of human contact can be helpful, such as joining a community walking group or reaching out to an old friend.
Focus on your current relationship with your child
Many parents describe feeling stuck in their own head with distracting thoughts about their grief when they spend time with their child. Whilst this is common and understandable, it is important to keep in mind that children are often very good at gauging just how present parents are. No parent can be completely present and focused on their child at all times but it can be useful to notice when you find yourself slipping back into your thoughts or feeling overcome with certain grief-related emotions. It can help to engage in activities with your child that involve physical movement or sensory experiences to bring you back into your body. This might be things such as playing with sand or water, going for a bike ride, or playing sport together.
Use items and rituals to process and heal
Grief is like an unwelcome visitor that frequently pops over unannounced, often at the most inconvenient moment, and refuses to leave. It is important to put things in place to be ready for when your grief shows up. You can use textured items to ground you, such as keeping a polished stone in your pocket or wearing pieces of jewelry that you can fidget with. Take advantage of interior decorating by choosing to display artwork in your home that brings you joy or reminds you of your strength and resilience. An example might be artwork of a tree, which might represent personal growth and connection with family across generations. You might also find comfort in engaging with regular rituals, whether that is prayer, visiting a special spot that brings you comfort, or lighting a candle at a particular time every day.
In conclusion, managing your own grief while parenting is a journey in of itself. The most important thing is to know that you are not travelling it alone. For more online family support and resources, visit my website.
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Laurenza Buglisi, Social Worker & Family Therapist
Laurenza Buglisi is a qualified Social Worker and Family Therapist who specialises in child sexual abuse. She was the founder of Juno’s Circle: Counselling, Training and Consulting, supporting families with complex trauma. Laurenza is committed to ensuring all families are equipped with the necessary tools and resources to parent protectively. As a mother to three young children herself, she understands the challenges of raising children in a digital age with an increased prevalence of child sexual exploitation. Laurenza is passionate about working with organisations and social work professionals to ensure a clearer understanding of compliance with child safe practice standards and reporting obligations.
