Laurenza Buglisi specialises in supporting families affected by sexual violence, intergenerational trauma, and family estrangement. She also provides training and consultancy in child safeguarding practices for organisations and social work professionals.
There are few things in life that compare to the crushing realization that your partner may have sexually abused a child. You can feel your chest and throat tighten, your heart stop for what seems like an eternity before beating with such ferocity that it must surely be audible, and the room just won’t stop spinning. Your mind swells with a million different thoughts as you switch between disbelief, overwhelm, disgust, fear, and numbness. It is a devastating reality that many women worldwide face, growing suspicious or recently discovering that their partner has sexually abused a child or children, either in the past or currently.
Child sexual abuse occurs when individuals involve children in any type of sexual activity. This can happen in person, on the phone, or online. If this resonates with you, read on to learn the five steps you need to take to protect your own mental health and well-being and ensure the safety of children everywhere.
This article purposely refers to women whose male partners have sexually abused a child. This reflects the overwhelming evidence that shows child sexual abuse offenders are predominantly male. While females can also sexually assault children, this article emphasizes the importance of understanding child sexual abuse through a gender-based violence lens.
Stay calm
Firstly, it’s okay to acknowledge the sheer weight of your suspicion. This is an enormously difficult concept to wrap your head around, and it is absolutely okay to take a moment to sit with that. In reality, this is something that will take a long time to fully process, so showing yourself kindness and compassion in this moment is necessary.
It’s okay to dip in and out of holding onto this suspicion. If you need a break from the ruminating thoughts circling your mind, it’s okay to move your legs and get some fresh air. Go for a walk, listen to running water, or hear the birds chirping. Distraction can help calm your nervous system and give you a chance to catch your breath. Slowing your breathing also helps, as does grounding yourself by focusing on your surroundings. What can you see, hear, touch, smell, or taste?
Do not confront your partner
It is strongly recommended that you do not confront your partner with your suspicions. This might go against your natural instinct to immediately seek reassurance from your partner that you are mistaken. However, it is crucial that you avoid speaking with him because this could have serious implications if the police become involved.
There is a risk that your partner could go to greater lengths to ensure any current child sexual abuse remains undetected, making it harder for child protection authorities to respond. It might also put you at risk of harm if he reacts to your suspicion aggressively or violently, either toward you or someone else.
Record evidence
It is important to retain any evidence you have access to, as this may be significant to the police if a criminal investigation ensues. If you have found copies of child sexual abuse material—such as photographs, videos, or written text; try to preserve this evidence if it is safe to do so. Be mindful that in many countries, sharing or reproducing child sexual abuse material is a criminal offence. You may not be able to save a copy to your personal device but could note the file location if it is on your partner’s laptop, computer, or tablet.
You might also want to document facts that inform your suspicions, no matter how insignificant they may seem. Keep these notes somewhere safe, where your partner cannot access them. Include details such as ambiguous interactions with a child or children that made you uncomfortable but were unclear. Record the time, place, who was involved, and what you observed while the memory is fresh.
Reach out for support
You do not need to go through this alone. Specialist support services are available worldwide for women in this situation. My clinical work has taught me that the impacts of child sexual abuse permeate the entire family, with no member unaffected. This is especially true for partners of men who sexually abuse children.
Concerns that you will be blamed for your partner’s past or current child sex offending are valid, but do not let them deter you from accessing support. It is unnecessary to have irrefutable evidence or to know for certain that your partner has sexually abused a child to seek help. A reputable organization called Stop It Now has offices in Australia, the United Kingdom and Ireland, and the United States. They offer free, confidential support to anyone concerned about an adult’s sexual thoughts or behavior toward children.
Consider contacting the authorities
You may need to share your concerns with the police or child protection services. This can be confronting, and it is normal to feel torn between genuine love and loyalty to your partner and a sense of moral duty to protect children in your community, or in your own home if you have children.
It is not your role to know with certainty whether your partner has abused a child. The police pursue criminal investigations to gather evidence and determine through the court whether a crime has been committed. Child protection services assess whether there is a current risk of harm to children. This means the burden of responsibility to "know for sure" is lifted from your shoulders.
In some countries, specific legislation outlines mandatory reporting requirements. For instance, in Victoria, Australia, Section 327 of the Crimes Act (1958) mandates reporting if you believe an adult has sexually offended against a child under 16, with certain exceptions. Failing to disclose this information can result in up to three years of imprisonment.
Final thoughts
No matter what happens, you are not responsible for your partner’s actions. Trust your instincts, and do not hesitate to seek support if you suspect your partner has sexually abused a child. The long-term effects of child sexual abuse are well-documented, and despite what you may have been told, it is impossible to know for certain that your partner will not target another child in the future. Children who are sexually abused do not get to choose when the abuse stops, but you can choose what to do with the information you now have.
For additional online support for families dealing with disenfranchised grief or learning about protective parenting, visit my website.
Read more from Laurenza Buglisi
Laurenza Buglisi, Social Worker & Family Therapist
Laurenza Buglisi is a qualified Social Worker and Family Therapist who specialises in child sexual abuse. She was the founder of Juno’s Circle: Counselling, Training and Consulting, supporting families with complex trauma. Laurenza is committed to ensuring all families are equipped with the necessary tools and resources to parent protectively. As a mother to three young children herself, she understands the challenges of raising children in a digital age with an increased prevalence of child sexual exploitation. Laurenza is passionate about working with organisations and social work professionals to ensure a clearer understanding of compliance with child safe practice standards and reporting obligations.
