Eric McAlister is a former professional athlete and now serves as a performance consultant and international keynote speaker, delivering expertise in well-being, mental performance, leadership and team culture.
I was in my fourth year as a professional basketball player, traveling around the world and earning money which was changing the trajectory of my life. I want to take you to a moment that changed everything for me. It was the middle of a professional basketball game and there I was, looking up at the roof of the stadium, flat on my back, staring into the bright lights as I was going through a cardiac arrest episode. I was a professional athlete but at that very moment, I was ready to give up on life, altogether. Thankfully, my story didn't end there and my purpose was far greater than I could have imagined.
So many people today wish to be a different version of themselves—someone who exemplifies bravery, initiative, confidence, competence and numerous other qualities that would open doors to the life of our dreams. Therein lies the key to what we deem out of reach and something that is often overlooked—we must become the person we need to be, to achieve the things we want to. Or, as I tell my clients, focus on who you are to become, rather than what you want to achieve.
Whether you are at rock bottom, like I was, or you simply have a desire to take the next step, follow this simple system and I can all but guarantee growth.
1. Find acceptance
The very first step that we have to take is coming to accept the reality of where we are. We all hold a responsibility to ourselves to ensure we can come to a place of complete honesty with who we are and where our choices have gotten us. I have learned that extreme accountability is the best way forward—an understanding that everything is a result of every decision that we have ever made to this point.
Accepting who and where we are in life allows us to gain both perspective and forgiveness. A broader perspective is that we are solely responsible for everything in our lives, for better and worse, and the ability to forgive not only others but ourselves. That level of awareness is what transcends who we are, improves our well-being and catapults us forward.
2. Remain resilient
I wish I could tell you that everything works itself out once you have accepted the reality of your situation, found forgiveness and taken accountability, but I would be lying. The truth is, it’s going to get harder before it gets better. Those deeply honest conversations we have with ourselves will bring up more feelings of shame, frustration, embarrassment, anxiety and even depression but for every dark night, there sun rises.
After my cardiac episode, I was told by five doctors I would never play again, that I would need corrective heart surgery in the coming years and my life was going to be forever changed. I spiraled into a deep state of depression, suffered both physically and emotionally and wanted to end my own life. The only reason I am writing this article at this very moment is because I chose one more day and the very next day, I was presented an opportunity that would go on to change my life.
We never know how strong we truly are until our will is tested—keep in mind that if everything seems too hard, it’s only because you haven’t developed the necessary tools, yet. The weights in a gym don’t get lighter, you only get stronger and life is no different. Keep going just a little bit further until you develop the necessary skills to overcome the obstacles you face.
Remain resilient, fight forward for one more day and focus on the little steps that will one day help create immeasurable results.
3. Get to know your three selves and use them in rebuilding you
In psychology it is also known as a Cognitive Triangle. This is one of the most important tools we can ever learn. As human beings, we are a set of programs. Many of which are running on autopilot to avoid decision fatigue. For everything that happens to us, our chosen responses become our default settings and ultimately become our behaviors. So let’s meet the “Three Self's” that makeup who you are.
Self-belief (Thoughts)
Our first self is our self-belief or the thoughts that bounce around in our head. Those diminishing, limiting beliefs that we have about ourselves come from events in our lives. Things such as failures, setbacks, bullying and the list goes on and on. Those limiting thoughts become beliefs and eventually patterns because we don’t correct them in real-time. If you were to hang a picture on your wall and the first attempt left the frame lopsided, you would undoubtedly fix it. The same goes for our thoughts, as well. “I’m not good enough,” most become, “I am learning.” It is merely a point of growth, not an endpoint.
Self-esteem (Feelings)
Our self-esteem is everything that we feel. For some of us, we feel first, those feelings of discomfort that sit in the pit of our stomachs, while others connect their thoughts to specific feelings. What we feel holds immense power in how we perceive the world and is something incredibly important to gain an understanding of. Think of a time that anger has distorted the lens you have looked through and you’ve missed minor details that had major implications. Our ability to feel is the same as our ability to think, they just come in different messages.
Regardless of whether you are a ‘thinker’ or ‘feeler’ we begin connecting our behavioral patterns to specific people, situations or places.
Self-confidence (Action)
What you think and how you feel often dictates what you choose to do in a given moment. The action we choose to take is the most important step because what good is awareness if we don’t put that information into action?
A relationship with your three self’s may look like this:
(Belief) “I am not good enough —> (Esteem) Sad —> (Confidence) I hide myself from the world.
Understanding your default behavioral patterns and correcting them to be more aligned on rebuilding you or with the person you are wanting to become is where we create monumental shifts in our ability to achieve and have sustainable well-being.
4. Create intentional balance
Much like the three self’s, there are seven areas of life you must become familiar with. Those seven areas are where stress manifests in our lives and where we learn to develop and evolve who we are over time. Those seven areas of focus are:
Mental health: Your emotional well-being. Physical Health - your physical well-being.
Growth and study: Schooling, personal development, passions, etc. Careers - Finances and career path.
Personal relationships: Your innermost circle, romantic partners, kids, people you confide in.
Working relationships: Those in your work network, colleagues, bosses, etc.
Greater network: Everyone not already included.
It would be great if we could pour all of ourselves into each area evenly and develop that way. However, we know that’s not the case for two main reasons—there is only so much time and we only have so much energy to give.
In order to grow, we have to understand which areas are most important to us and we must put effort into those areas accordingly. The reason I went into cardiac arrest was because I put all of my energy into my career as an athlete and never learned to regulate my emotions, take care of my mental health or grow as a purpose. My eventual diagnosis was a cardiac episode brought on by severe emotional stress.
If there is only one thing you find beneficial from this article, it would be to grow as an individual and evolve into that special person you want to become because the lessons you can learn from one area of your life will eventually cross over into another area. The world's greatest achievers are the ones who become the most developed people. I’ve seen it as an athlete, as an entrepreneur and as someone who prioritizes my own growth. Better people always garner better results.
Once you begin to create intentional balance in your life, you will begin to see other areas of your life begin to flourish. No longer are the days of rain and clouds, for here are the days of abundance and clarity. Once you reach step four, the shift in your life will begin to become more apparent. To sustain that success, there is only one more step to work on.
5. Remember there is purpose in your pain
Every one of us is looking for a purposeful life, even though purposeful looks different to all of us. If you are still looking for your purpose, look back at what you have struggled with and overcome.
My entire business is built on the back of being a professional athlete for ten years and having almost no personal development along the way which led me to cardiac arrest in the middle of a game. I’ve watched teammates, clients, family and friends suffer through similar pitfalls and that’s where my purposeful passion has come to grow.
Every single one of us deserves to live a life that we envision for ourselves. For many, it’s about having the discipline to stay the course, for others it’s having a clear blueprint of how to move forward altogether.
Remember, the world is what you make of it and we all deserve to not only win, but to win well.
Read more from Eric McAlister
Eric McAlister, Performance Consultant and Speaker
Eric McAlister is quickly revolutionizing how we look at the connections between well-being and performance. As a professional athlete, Eric has gained and now expanded on the many tools at the disposal of a professional athlete, honing in on our ability to maximize our potential without the emotional pitfalls that come with chasing our goals. Eric has worked with athletes and organizations across the world including the NBA, Olympians, PGA golfers and more. His vision is clear winning well and it is something he believes we all deserve.
