Written by: Fern Weis, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Parents tell me their teens lack resilience and confidence. They worry that their kids won’t be able to make it on their own. Has that crossed your mind, and does it cause you to lose sleep?
Whether your child is 12, 22, or 32, there’s hope! Change is possible at any age, and you can be the key to helping your teen build the resilience they need to meet life’s challenges and bounce back.
How do I know? Because I’ve been there.
I have two adult children. One of them struggled and derailed in high school. We didn’t see a successful future and had to turn to others for help. Serious help.
I learned a lot during those years. Here are the five most important things I want you to know about raising resilient teens:
1. Listen, and then listen more.
This is key to building a trusting relationship. Every person needs to feel heard, and to have someone’s undivided attention.
Listen to understand (not to think of your response). The time for fixing, problem-solving, and critiquing comes later if it comes at all.
I know how difficult it is to sit quietly and not jump in. Sit quietly anyway, so your child can process her feelings and then move forward.
Resilient people are able to understand their feelings and manage them.
2. Acknowledge feelings.
This means to reflect back on what you hear and see. Your teen needs to be understood. Their feelings are valid, regardless of whether you agree with them or not.
When you are able to acknowledge their feelings (i.e. That must have been… / You sound…) they know you’ve been listening and understand what they’re going through.
This builds more trust. Congratulations! You are becoming a safe person to talk to. You are paving the way for your teen to come to you when there’s something important going on.
Resilient people are able to ask for help.
3. Parenting is about parents, not so much about the kids.
Sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it?
The reality is that you cannot control another person, only yourself. When you change how you react and respond, you can have a positive impact on others. When you do, especially with teens, you take the power struggle out of parenting, which makes them more receptive to you.
You are your child’s most important teacher, modeling that we are all capable of change.
Resilient people are introspective and able to adapt and grow.
What you do now matters. Set both of you up for success as you navigate these years.
4. Set clear and reasonable boundaries.
“But I set boundaries and they don’t work,” you say. The most important thing to know is to only set a boundary you are 100% able to follow through on. Otherwise don’t say anything at all.
Boundaries are difficult and needed. You see what happens when there are none. Children must know what is appropriate and what is not; where your responsibility ends and theirs begin.
YOU need boundaries to protect yourself. If you are feeling resentful that you’re doing too much, you need a boundary. This also teaches your children about relationships, negotiations, and compromise.
Resilient people know what their limits are and express them clearly and respectfully.
Your teen is learning this from your words and actions.
5. Praise attitude, effort, and the qualities you want to see in your teen.
Achievements (grades, job titles, money) will come and go; they cannot be guaranteed. Knowing what their strengths are, how they show up in the world, is theirs forever.
Resilient people turn to their strengths to make progress, rather than focusing on their weaknesses and getting stuck.
Please remember that this doesn’t happen overnight. It’s also a continuing journey. My kids are in their 30s now. Emotions can run high, fears crop up. We can’t prevent fear and other emotions from happening; however, I measure my success by how much more quickly I can shift out of them.
For more tips on improving your relationship with your teen, sign up for my free communication guide, “5 Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk”. Comment “I want it” or visit www.fernweis.com.
Fern Weis, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Fern Weis is a certified Life Coach who supports parents of teens. Her children's teen years were difficult ones and Fern is dedicated to helping parents and teens have a smoother journey than her family did. She shares her learning from personal experiences, two coaching certifications, 13 years of classroom teaching, and 12 years of coaching. Fern helps parents lead with love, instead of fear. They become more confident, improve communication skills, build a loving and trusting relationship, and set clear realistic boundaries. Parents become better able to help their teens grow into successful, resilient adults who thrive, whatever life brings. To jump-start your parenting skills, she offers a free communication guide, '5 Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk', available on her website.
