Written by: Margot Zaher, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I learned the hard way that not expressing how I truly feel about things can backfire and create relationship walls. In the 2000s, when I was married to my ex-husband, I played the following relationship game. My ex-husband would do something that hurt my feelings. I would outwardly pretend that I was okay with whatever had occurred when secretly I was sad or mad.
I would stew about it and envision telling him that I needed something else to happen, but I wouldn’t actually tell him out of fear of rocking the boat and making him angry. Then, after experiencing this same issue over and over, I would dramatically explode because I had built up so much steam and anger around this issue.
I had not spoken my truth at that moment, and that truth eventually had to be set free. Plus, not speaking my truth would eat away at me and clog up my mental and emotional energy fields. I would literally rehearse over and over in my mind what I should say about the issue while not telling him because I did not want to “ruin” the evening. I was afraid of starting a fight and having to deal with the aftermath.
This is a phenomenon that many of my clients have also experienced. The “hide my truth” strategy is something that many use to avoid confrontation. Unfortunately, avoiding confrontation often turns into creating more intense conflict when the truth is revealed. Plus, while we avoid the outward confrontation, we live it inwardly over and over again.
Are there truths that you are not sharing with your partner? Do you suspect that your partner is not fully being open with you about something? Hiding truths whether they are as small as being upset that your partner is leaving the bathroom a mess or as large as wondering if you should be in the relationship keeps you from establishing a deep and heart-centered connection with your partner. Every time you don’t communicate your truth, it is as though you are adding a brick to a wall slowly being constructed between you and your partner. As more and more unsaid truth bricks pile up, the ability to sense and feel each other’s love diminishes. These bricks block love’s energy, making you feel increasingly isolated and alone, even in your partner’s presence.
I’ve discovered that it’s very powerful and healing for couples to clear the slate and speak the truths that have not fully been expressed. Perhaps you’ve hinted at some things that have bothered you in the past or things that you need but haven’t fully expressed the truth of how you felt or what you needed. When you get the courage to speak your truth, you slowly dismantle this brick wall, and a true connection can be re-established.
Okay, let’s get real of course there are situations where speaking your truth may actually produce the outcome that you fear, such as the ending of your relationship. Thus, you are currently safeguarding your truth for a very good reason. If this is the case, you might need help moving through this fear to unblock things. You are, in essence, in a catch-22. If you don’t speak your truth, you will continue feeling disconnected and distant from your partner, and if you do speak your truth, you risk even deeper levels of disconnection. This is not an easy predicament to be stuck in.
It is my experience that the only way out of this situation is to face the music and get real with your partner. This is what I had to do with my ex-husband when I told him that I was extremely unhappy with many aspects of our relationship. I put our relationship on the line; it was a risk I needed to take to set myself free from being stuck in unhappiness. In this case, he and I could not agree on the same terms for our relationship, and we soon after filed for a divorce. Even though my worst fears about the marriage came true, it was ultimately much better than staying stuck in the untruth zone, where I felt super disconnected from my partner and thus very unhappy. And years later thanks to letting go of this unhappy relationship, I’ve manifested a truly blissful relationship full of the kind of trust, intimacy, and deep connection I so desperately craved in my first marriage.
Here are 5 steps to dismantle the brick wall of secrets in your relationship:
Step 1: Pick One Truth to Share.
Pick something small to start out with. Perhaps it’s how you feel about his routine of throwing his clothes on the floor or her habit of interrupting you. Each time you do this exercise you can pick something that’s a little bit more hidden, and more sensitive, to share with your partner.
Step 2: Create a Sacred Sharing Space.
The best way to do this is to both agree you will listen to what the other person says and fully take in what’s being communicated before responding. It’s super helpful to use what the American Indians refer to as a “talking stick”. This can be any object that’s small enough to pick up and hold in your hands. Whoever’s holding the object is the only one who can speak. Before you share, you may also want to preface that you have some fears or doubts about sharing this part of yourself, or this perspective with your partner. By voicing this, you allow your partner to better understand how you’re feeling which automatically creates a deeper level of intimacy. Also, to strengthen feelings of intimacy, you may choose to sit across from each other and look each other in the eyes. It’s preferable as well to hold hands with your partner in order to deepen your sense of connection.
Step 3: Reveal Your Hidden Truth.
When the space has been created, reveal the truth you’ve been hiding from your beloved. Set an intention to speak from your heart and use the word “I”. Be sure to avoid any blaming or shaming of your partner or words that imply it’s his or her fault such as “You make me feel”, or “It’s your fault.” Just focus on expressing whatever you’ve hidden from your partner. It could be a feeling about something, or an event that occurred which you feel guilty or shameful about. If you are expressing feelings, make sure that your sharing is focused on how you feel and not on the other person’s behaviors and how they need to change. Also, be direct and do not give long explanations. Too many words create opportunities for blaming and misunderstandings.
After you share with your partner, notice how you feel. Do you feel lighter, freer, or more liberated?
Your partner’s role during this step is to simply listen to what you have to say. At the end of your truth sharing, pass the “talking stick” to your partner so that they can respond.
Step 4: Prepare For Your Partner’s Response
The most difficult part of this exercise for most people is hearing your partner’s response without getting triggered which could cause a fight to ignite. After you finish sharing your truth, imagine putting up an energetic shield around you. This shield is one that can bounce of any negative energy that is coming your way so that it does not throw you off center.
As you imagine any triggering words bouncing off like a ball bouncing off of a wall, say your own empowering mantra to yourself to keep you centered. It should be very simple and short so that you can also listen to what your partner is saying. My personal favorites are “I’m loved”, “I’m strong”, or “I’m centered”.
Step 5: Validate and Thank Your Partner.
Validation is key to a successful conversation that enhances intimacy. The more you validate whatever your partner says back to you, the more you open the door to vulnerable communication. If you do not validate their response to your reveal, they may feel threatened by the conversation and either closeup like a clam or explode into an angry volcano. So, even if your partner is triggered by your reveal and says something back to you that you truly disagree with, it’s still key to validate whatever they are saying so that they feel met and understood.
Validation is not about agreeing with your partner, it’s about simply acknowledging what they have said so that they feel heard and understood. Some great phrases to use to validate are the following: “That makes sense”, “I understand” or “I get how you are feeling”.
As part of the validation process, remember to simply thank your partner for listening to you and expressing their truth even if it was difficult to hear.
Want support revealing your truths to your partner? I would be happy to help you with this. Just use this link to sign up for a complimentary 60-minute relationship coaching session with me where you will get practical no-obligation coaching support: https://meetme.so/MargotZaher.
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Margot Zaher, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Margot, as an Empowerment and Relationship Coach, helps women in stagnant or troubled relationships break free of unhealthy patterns, shift fear into confidence, and reclaim their power so that they can experience deeper levels of connection and intimacy with their partner. Margot, who holds a Masters in psychology, is a certified professional coach, hypnotherapist, and EMDR Facilitator. Margot is the creator of the Women’s Empowerment Academy and the Relationship Reset Bootcamp which has helped hundreds of women over the last twenty years to reclaim their power in intimate relationships. She’s the author of the Amazon bestseller “The Golden Cage: from Entrapment to Empowerment” where she guides readers through a step by step approach to identify and break free of Life Cage’s, including relationship ones. After going from being stuck in troubled relationships to manifesting her soul mate, she uses her personal experiences to help women create greater intimacy, connection, and trust in their relationships. She has been featured in Authority Magazine, Thrive Global, Bustle, appeared as a guest on numerous relationship podcasts, and has been a keynote speaker for the Broomfield Chamber of Commerce, American Women’s Business Association, Rotary International, and Kiwanis.
