Written by Karlissa Wise, Clinical Social Worker
Dr. Karlissa Wise is a Clinical Social Worker who works with individuals who struggle with anxiety, depression, and life transitions.
With toxic relationships gaining attention, it can be difficult to define what a healthy relationship looks like. Although not all relationships are perfect, there is a difference between imperfect and unhealthy.
5 signs that your relationship is unhealthy
1. Humiliation on social media
Most of us have witnessed arguments between couples on social media. We have seen this occur with close friends, family members, and our favorite celebrities. You may find it entertaining at times; however, this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Communicating concerns on social media, for others to see, can be viewed as a form of humiliation. Humiliating your partner can be a sign of abuse. In addition, voicing concerns on social media with the intent to humiliate your partner is a sign of emotional immaturity. People who are emotionally immature often fail to express their emotions in a healthy manner. If you find that you or your partner are using social media to air out concerns, agree to refrain from using social media to address disagreements. In addition, it creates time to discuss concerns in a productive way.
2. Pretending to be happy
Do you find that you are unhappy in your relationship? Do you pretend to be happy in the presence of family members, friends, colleagues, and people on social media? This may be a sign that you are in an unhealthy relationship. When you pretend to be happy, you are attempting to create a narrative for yourself and others to avoid the reality that the relationship has unhealthy elements. If you find that you are in this situation, discovering the root of the matter is essential. You will have to sit in uncomfortable emotions to answer questions that you may have ignored. Ask yourself the following questions: Why am I pretending to be happy? What is happening in my relationship that I do not want others to know about? What would I tell a loved one if they were in my situation? Being honest with yourself about your situation can provide insight that is needed to discover how to move forward in your relationship. Everyone deserves to be happy; however, you should not have to fake happiness.
3. Third party
We have all heard of the saying 3’s a crowd. However, 3 is a crowd in a relationship. Now, if you have agreed to engage in third party situation in the relationship, that is okay. However, if you did not agree to add another individual into your relationship, this is not a good sign. Bringing another individual into your relationship is a sign that you or your partner lacks boundaries. When a person shows you, through their behavior, that they lack boundaries it is a signal that they might disrespect your boundaries in the future. If the expectation is to have a monogamous relationship, the relationship should stay monogamous. If you find that your partner has invited a third party into your relationship, have a discussion with your partner about your personal limits and expectations for your relationship. If your partner decides they do not want to continue a monogamous relationship, it is up to you to reevaluate if the relationship is compatible with the type of connection you want.
4. Invalidating emotions
When you have a disagreement with your partner, do you often feel unheard or dismissed? Is the focus on winning instead of understanding each other? Invalidating the emotions or the experience of a partner is another sign that you may be in an unhealthy relationship. Invalidating emotions can also be seen as a form of manipulation. Manipulation occurs when you bring up a concern and you are made to feel as if you are the problem. If you invalidate your partner’s emotions or your emotions are invalidated in your relationship, make sure you listen and acknowledge emotions. Additionally, invalidating emotions can occur when someone has buried thoughts and feelings during previous disagreements. For instance, have you tried to explain your feelings and your partner’s response was, “Well remember what you did, and I didn’t say anything!” For this reason, bring up concerns when a situation occurs instead of burying your emotions at the time. This will prevent a build up of frustration that is later brought up in future conversations.
5. Impacting your mental health
Although relationships are not perfect, a relationship should not be detrimental to your mental health. Are you consistently sad, irritable, or anxious because of issues within your relationship? Do these emotions impact your relationships with friends, colleagues, family members, or others? These are signs that your relationship is taking a toll on your mental health. If you find yourself in a constant state of sadness or worry, it can impact your feeling of safety in the relationship. Not necessarily physical safety but mental and emotional safety. A lack of mental and emotional safety can leave you in survival mode. Survival mode occurs when an individual experiences stress on a consistent basis. If you find that you are in survival mode because of the toll your relationship has taken on your mental health, it is important to have a discussion with your partner. There are times when people are not aware of how their actions impact others; therefore, a conversation is needed. If the behavior continues after the conversation, it may be time to reevaluate your decision to continue the relationship.
Identifying traits of an unhealthy relationship is important. It does not mean that the relationship is over; however, it does mean that improvements need to be made to make the relationship successful. Acknowledging that changes need to be made is the first step. Next, create a plan to achieve the goals you have for your relationship. Remember, relationships are not always perfect, but relationships should not be unhealthy.
Read more from Karlissa Wise
Karlissa Wise, Clinical Social Worker
Dr. Karlissa Wise is a Clinical Social Worker who works with individuals and couples in therapy. Dr. Wise is the founder of Wise Counseling & Consultation, LLC. Wise Counseling & Consultation focuses on providing clients with coping strategies to manage stress and different life challenges. Her goal is to continue helping others in need of mental health services.
