Emma Furner is a psychologist, psychotherapist, and mindfulness & trauma-sensitive yoga teacher who is passionate about helping people achieve holistic health and become their authentic selves.
With over two decades of experience as a psychologist, I have met countless patients deeply puzzled by their upbringing and family dynamics. They seek my support, often with an inkling that the challenges they face in their adult lives might have roots in their early years, but they struggle to make the connection. They will say things like, "But I had a good childhood," "a normal upbringing," or more often, "I wasn't abused or anything."
In these moments, my role is not to lead, label, judge, or even guide them to revisit the past. Instead, it is about creating a safe space that allows their internal healing process to guide us to where the real 'work' needs to happen. From this privileged position, I have noticed a common theme among many of my patients regarding where this wellspring of 'work' often lies. As their initial intuition suggested, it leads us back to their early life, not necessarily to instances of abuse or neglect, but to recurring patterns that, however subtle, have had a lasting and profound impact. You see, just because overt abuse or neglect may not have been part of your familial past does not mean that your early experiences haven't left a lingering legacy into adulthood. But what are these patterns of family dysfunction that can leave an unwanted imprint on us? The answer, unfortunately, is that there are many, too many. What follows, though, is a list of the most common patterns I have come to learn of through my patients and practice, as well as the impact they can have on us as adults.
1. The importance of emotions is overlooked
As humans, we come into the world with the capacity to experience and express emotions. We are hard-wired to do so. However, we are not born with the ability to understand, regulate, and ‘appropriately’ express them. Instead, we rely on our caregivers to support us in such endeavors. In healthy homes, this happens when an emotion is experienced, acknowledged, perhaps soothed, or even given space for expression, and then we move on, gradually learning how to do the same for ourselves.
In unhealthy home environments, however, the opposite is often the case; emotions may be consistently discouraged, punished, ignored, dismissed, invalidated, even berated and belittled. Indeed, patients will tell me that they grew up being told they were "too sensitive," "too emotional," that they were "being silly," or “shouldn’t feel that way” when showing their emotions. Or they were bargained with, yelled at, and even threatened with comments such as "you won't get an ice cream if you don't stop crying” through to "stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about." In other cases, patients have spoken about how the expression of emotion was simply just met with a blank face or turned heel, left unacknowledged.
Not surprisingly, adults who have grown up in such environments often come to ignore, suppress, and/or invalidate their own feelings. Furthermore, they are more likely to rely on unhealthy ways to regulate them (Frederick, 2009). While this causes problems in of itself, it can also make one vulnerable to an array of other issues: being disconnected from themselves and others; feeling a sense of worthlessness; having a reliance on alcohol, food, drugs, and distractions; having an overactive mind, unhealthy relationships; being preoccupied with external rather than internal standards; discontent, despair, and more.
2. Being tasked with caretaking
In healthy families, it's a given that the role of the caregiver/s is to take care of the children, hence the term caregivers. How we may do this can and does change with the age and development of the child. However, in some families, the roles are reversed from early on, and the children are tasked with caretaking, whether it be for younger siblings and pets or the parent/s themselves. Family therapist Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy coined the term "parentification" to refer to this dynamic and I have heard this play out in a multitude of ways, from the five-year-old consistently tasked with taking care of her younger brother and his needs to the seven-year-old being asked to comment on and reassure his mother that she is not “fat”, to the twelve-year-old providing their parent's informal couples counseling.
While children may find benefit in playing these roles and fulfilling such responsibilities, this dynamic ultimately robs them of their childhood. It also exposes them to adult concerns that are likely beyond their developmental capacity. This dynamic also sends the message that the needs of others (such as their caregivers) are more important than their own.
Sadly, but not surprisingly, studies have shown that parentified children are more likely to enter adulthood with symptoms of anxiety, depression, attention-deficit/hyperactivity, substance use, and social difficulties, as well as somatic symptoms such as stomachaches and headaches. They are also more likely to experience what can be the undercurrent of these challenges in truly taking care of and prioritizing themselves over others (Engelhardt, 2012).
3. Needs are ignored, minimised, or even shamed
As children, we rely entirely on our caregivers to meet our needs. In healthy families, these needs are met sufficiently, even if not perfectly, around one-third of the time. Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott coined the term “good enough parenting” to explain this (Winnicott, 1957). In dysfunctional families, however, this minimum of ‘one-third’ may very well not be reached.
While many well-meaning caregiver/s simply do not realise the full extent of their child’s needs and/or how to best meet them, I more often hear about those that ignore or dismiss the need itself, or what can be worse, shame the child for having it in the first place. I have heard this through the many patients who have reported being consistently shamed for needing rest, being called “lazy” or “slob"; shamed for needing more food to fill them with the “you cannot possibly still be hungry!” comment to the “stop being greedy” criticism; and shamed for “being too needy”. I’ve even heard from many how their caregivers may have responded to the need, albeit begrudgingly with comments such as "I am only doing this because I have to."
In these environments, children may learn to doubt their needs, feel guilty about having them, let alone express them, or question their worthiness of care and attention. This can result in adults who suppress their own needs, who are more concerned about the needs and emotions of others, live a life not of their meaning or making, and ultimately suppress themselves. While this alone is a true tragedy, the mental, emotional, social, and physical health issues that can flow on from this are limitless anxiety, depression, chronic stress, low self-esteem, poor boundaries, insomnia, co-dependency, poor self-care, disordered eating, burn out, chronic fatigue, weight issues and more.
4. Achievement and image is over-emphasized
It is no doubt that we live in a world that values achievement and image. It’s in the media, our school and sporting structures, our workplaces, and even the casual conversations we have with friends and family. We celebrate those who 'achieve' and, whether we care to admit it, have a perception of what ‘achievers’ look like. In healthy families, there may be some focus on achievement or even image, but this is unlikely to be the main priority. Even less likely is it to come at the expense of the child’s health and well-being.
I’ve often learned that for many, achievement and image were overemphasized in the family home, sometimes to the point of being harmful. While I could recount numerous patient stories that illustrate this, consider Caitlyn*. From the age of two, she was enrolled in a myriad of activities—piano, dance, gymnastics, netball, soccer, touch football, martial arts, and more. While she enjoyed some of these, what she truly loved was the attention and praise she received from her mother when she performed, seemingly fulfilling some of her basic emotional needs. However, this came at a cost. Over time, Caitlyn felt immense pressure to participate in only family-sanctioned activities, to perform, to excel, and, perhaps most sadly, to maintain the appearance of a child having fun. As Caitlyn grew older, this pressure seeped into other areas of her life, including the need to maintain a weight deemed acceptable for her sports. By the time she was 11, she could have been diagnosed with an eating disorder, though that diagnosis wouldn't come until much later. While many factors likely contributed to the development of the eating disorder and the delay in its recognition, an overemphasis on achievement and image certainly played a significant role.
Hence, in unhealthy homes, children can get the message that far more important is ‘what they do’ or ‘what they look like’ than ‘what they need’ or ‘who they are.' In adulthood, this can lead to many issues: an almost obsessional need to succeed or ‘prove’ their worth, chronic perfectionism, self-criticalness and low self-esteem, fear of failure, a deep sense of inadequacy or of being invisible, constant need for external validation, the need to ‘pretend’ or ‘present’ an image that may not truly reflect their inner world, and as in the above example, serious mental and emotional health issues (Fairburn et al., 1999).
5. Problems or dysfunction is denied
One of the most insidious signs of an unhealthy upbringing, perhaps one that bleeds into all others, is the denial that problems or dysfunction exist. In healthy families, denial may be present from time to time, but ultimately, there is a collective effort to acknowledge and address issues rather than avoid or minimize them. In these environments, caregivers are likely to model healthy ways of dealing with reality, showing that it's okay to face difficult truths and that doing so is a necessary step toward growth and healing.
In many families, however, there can be a strong, unspoken rule that problems must be hidden or downplayed, often to maintain a façade of normalcy or to avoid discomfort. This denial can take many forms, from minimizing the severity of issues to outright refusing to acknowledge that problems exist at all. A caregiver might, for example, dismiss a child's concerns about conflict in the household, saying things like, "It's not that bad" or "You're overreacting." In more extreme cases, a caregiver might deny the existence of any dysfunction, insisting that the family is "perfectly fine" despite clear evidence to the contrary. This can leave children feeling confused, invalidated, and questioning their perceptions and emotions.
Denial can also manifest in how caregivers respond to other issues, such as financial difficulties, workplace or relationship issues, and mental health challenges. Rather than addressing these problems openly and honestly, they may sweep them under the rug, pretend they don’t exist, or label them as "normal" stressors that everyone experiences. This creates a culture of silence where serious issues are never addressed, leaving children to navigate these complexities on their own, often without the tools or support they need.
As adults, individuals raised in environments where denial was prevalent can struggle to acknowledge or address their own problems. They might minimize their challenges, avoid seeking help, or even be unaware of the deep-rooted issues affecting their well-being. This can lead to a cycle of unresolved issues, manifesting as both mental and physical health issues, relationship problems, and a general sense of dissatisfaction with life (Nibe, 2015).
Breaking free from the grip of denial requires courage and a willingness to face uncomfortable truths. It involves recognizing that acknowledging problems is not a sign of weakness but perhaps one of the most crucial steps toward healing and growth. Only by acknowledging issues can individuals begin to address them, paving the way for a healthier and more fulfilling life. I hope that this article may have helped you or someone you care about do just that.
Healing the hurts
Recognizing the often-unspoken signs of an unhealthy upbringing can indeed help us understand, acknowledge, and even heal from the possible impact our early experiences may be having on our adult lives. Whether it is the subtle undermining of emotions, the reversal of caregiver roles, the denial of needs, an overemphasis on achievement and image, or the pervasive denial of problems, these dynamics, just detailed, can leave lasting scars that affect our overall well-being, relationships, and sense of self.
Should any of these patterns resonate with you, it may be worth exploring them further. Acknowledging these signs is not about blaming our caregivers or dwelling on the past but more simply about understanding ourselves, the underlying causes of our struggles, and perhaps even finding an appropriate path toward healing.
Whether through self-reflection, further reading (How to break free from unhealthy family patterns, 5 Toxic family roles and their consequences, Family first 6 ways to cultivate healthy family dynamics), conversations with trusted individuals, or seeking professional support, taking the time to address these issues can lead to profound personal growth and a more fulfilling life, something I am honored to witness every working day!
Healing truly is a journey, and every step toward understanding is a step toward a healthier, more authentic self that need not be defined or bound by our upbringing, however impactful.
Read more from Emma Furner
Emma Furner, Psychologist, Psychotherapist and Yoga Teacher
Emma Furner is a psychologist, psychotherapist, and mindfulness & trauma-sensitive yoga teacher. She believes that the world as it is today disconnects us from our bodies, the wisdom within, and thus our true selves. She is passionate about building awareness about this and supporting people to return to their more embodied selves.
Through combining a variety of evidence-based Western psychological approaches with a deep understanding of mindfulness and yoga principles, Emma loves to help others explore, heal, and nurture the most significant relationships in life – especially those we have with ourselves, our emotions, our bodies, our weight, food, and our unique pasts.
References:
Boszormenyi-Nagy, I., & Spark, G. M. (1973). Invisible Loyalties: Reciprocity in Intergenerational Family Therapy. Harper & Row.
Engelhardt, J. A. (2012). The developmental implications of parentification: Effects on childhood attachment. Graduate Student of Psychology Journal, 14, 5-20. Retrieved here.
Fairburn, C. G., Cooper, Z., Doll, H. A., & Welch, S. L. (1999). Risk factors for anorexia nervosa: Three integrated case-control comparisons. Archives of General Psychiatry, 56(5), 468–476.
Frederick, R. J. (2009). Living like you mean it: Use the wisdom and power of your emotions to get the life you really want. Jossey-Bass.
Nibe, K. (2015). Reconnect to your core: A guide to help you rediscover your inner strength and well-being. K. Nibe Publishing.
Winnicott, D. W. (1964). The Child, the Family, and the Outside World. Tavistock Publications.
