Written by: Adeline Yuboco, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Setting boundaries is vital to achieving a healthy work-life balance. If you find yourself constantly inundated with things to do and you can’t say no to a demanding boss, a needy friend, or a pushy relative, then you’re setting yourself up for unnecessary stress and pressure that prevent you from living a life of balance.
In this article, we’ll explore common factors that affect a person’s ability to set boundaries, along with tips and strategies for overcoming these challenges and learning to set healthy limits in your relationships.
Why People Struggle Setting Boundaries
When you establish healthy boundaries, you are setting limits on how much of yourself you allow to share with others in a way that you’re not taken advantage of. You are also drawing the line on how much chaos you are willing to tolerate.
Although you know that it’s crucial for your mental and physical health, the reality is that setting boundaries can be difficult.
Here are five specific reasons people have difficulty setting boundaries.
1. Cultural norms
In collectivist cultures, where a close-knit group is essential for survival and happiness, strong bonds and interconnectedness play a key role in shaping a person’s identity.
You’re programmed to believe certain things about yourself and others from a young age. You assimilate cultural norms, which dictate how you should behave.
As a result, you develop fears when you deviate from those norms, and this can hold you back from asserting yourself when the situation calls for it.
For instance, in many Asian cultures, filial piety is commonly practised, a traditional Confucian value of caring for one’s family members. Although it is considered a virtue, it makes setting boundaries and enforcing them extremely difficult.
This is because it can make people feel obligated to help others even if they don’t want to. It creates situations where it can be hard for you to put your foot down and say no to their demands and requests because it’s seen as an act of defiance that’s frowned upon in a familial and cultural setting.
Cultural norms prevent you from setting boundaries because they dictate what you should and shouldn’t do and often make it difficult for you to assert your independence. This can severely affect your overall health and well-being because you are more likely to experience physical and emotional abuse.
It must be emphasized here that not all cultural norms are harmful. In fact, many of them are essential for social cohesion and the preservation of group identity.
However, when cultural norms force you to override your own needs to conform to the expectations of others, you run the risk of suffering negative consequences in the form of stress, poor mental health, and low self-esteem.
2. Gender roles
Society has a long history of dictating how men and women should behave in certain situations. Women are taught to be polite and accommodating, while men are taught to be assertive and in control. As a result, women often have trouble saying “no” when needed, and men often have trouble hearing it.
More often than not, women feel like they can’t say no because they don’t want to upset or disappoint others. Women are expected to think about other people’s needs and feelings before their own, so when it comes to setting boundaries, they often hesitate.
Because of pre-determined gender roles, women don’t always have the opportunity to determine their personal limits. Without this self-awareness, setting effective boundaries with others can be difficult.
3. Fears
You may find yourself agreeing to things you don’t really want to do at work or in social gatherings due to fear of missing out. You may feel like you need to take every opportunity that comes your way, even if it’s not a good fit. As a result, you take on more than you can handle, which can overwhelm and stress you out.
An even bigger fear is that of financial repercussions as a result of saying no to bosses and clients. That’s why you end up working more hours than you’re paid for or taking on projects that are outside of your work scope.
You recognize that there is a power imbalance that can be used against you. They have the power to fire you, withhold payments, cancel contracts, or take other actions that can negatively impact your finances.
So, you figure that it’s better to bite the bullet and agree to something you’re not comfortable with to avoid any potential financial damage. This can be difficult to navigate, as fear will always cloud your judgement.
4. Insecurities
Your insecurities could be causing you to struggle with setting boundaries. Your deep-rooted desire to prove something can make you do things to seek approval and crave praise from your friends, family, and work colleagues, even if it means doing uncomfortable things that go against your nature.
Not being able to set boundaries because of insecurities can lead to all sorts of problems in life—from never feeling good enough to be taken advantage of by others.
5. Technology
Because of technology, you are constantly connected to social media and messaging apps 24/7, which gives people in your circle easy access to you. This can make it difficult to disconnect from your online life, and it becomes much easier for your boss to contact you after office hours and for your friends to message you at ungodly hours.
Having this kind of dynamic can make you feel like you must always be available to them. Worse, you can’t say no to them because you don’t want to appear rude or uninterested. If you don’t know how to set boundaries, your online interactions will eat up time and zap your energy, leaving you with less time for yourself and your family.
How to overcome roadblocks to setting boundaries
1. Change Your Mindset
If you’re struggling to set boundaries, try changing your mindset. Instead of thinking of boundary-setting as a way to keep others out, think of it as a way to protect yourself and your relationship. Remember, self-love is not selfish.
You deserve respect and shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own needs for someone else’s. When you start thinking about setting boundaries from this perspective, it can be easier to take the necessary steps to do so.
2. Be Comfortable Knowing You Can’t Please Everyone
It’s not your goal to please everyone, and no matter what you do, someone is bound to be disappointed in you. By coming to terms with this frame of mind, you can begin to create a blueprint for setting boundaries.
Be assertive in your communication. It can be tempting to avoid conflict by being passive, but you must be direct, honest, respectful, and polite when communicating with others about your boundaries. Don’t take it personally if someone reacts negatively to your boundary-setting.
3. Objectively Look at the Worst-Case Scenario
Setting boundaries is not about being rude, mean, or uncaring; it is about taking care of yourself and respecting your own needs.
Ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen if I set boundaries?”
If you can handle the worst-case scenario, you will likely be able to handle anything else.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that setting boundaries will always be easy, and there will still be times when it is hard to stand up for yourself. In situations like this, a business consultant can help you identify the root cause of your struggles and provide you with the tools and resources to overcome them.
This can be especially helpful if you struggle to prioritize tasks given your limited time and energy. By focusing on what’s most important, you can learn how to set healthy boundaries in all areas of your life—personal and professional—to take better care of yourself and your relationships and achieve the elusive work-life balance.
Key Takeaways
If you want to achieve a healthy work-life balance, you must set boundaries. The lines you draw define what you will and will not do, what you are willing to put up with, and when you need others to respect your wishes.
Understanding why you struggle with setting boundaries can help you find an effective way to overcome them. Setting boundaries, after all, is all about taking care of yourself and maintaining healthy relationships.
Adeline Yuboco, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Adeline Yuboco is a HubSpot-certified content marketing consultant, writer, and mentor. After a car accident forced her out of the corporate world close to two decades ago, Adeline made the bold decision to go dive head-first into the world of freelancing. Since then, Adeline's written over 1 million words professionally (and counting). She's also created and managed content marketing campaigns for B2B SaaS and service-based businesses to help them build a strong online presence, grow their audience and get leads. She also mentors and provides consulting services to aspiring business owners and freelancers navigating through the ups and downs of starting and growing their own businesses.
