Written by: Joanne Hughes, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Break-ups are always difficult for sure, sleepless nights, endless tears and anxieties around being alone, binge eating or drinking, the continual flow of questions that run through your mind, and the feelings of not being able to breathe let alone move forward are difficult for anyone to experience. Break-ups are always hard to experience and can be devastating especially if you lived together because nobody goes into a relationship seeing an ending and most likely one if not both of you were hoping that it was your 'happily ever after', but for men, studies show that it takes longer for them to get over the relationship.
According to a study by University College London and Binghamton University in New York, the intensity of pain immediately after a relationship is experienced more in females than in males, and not only is the pain for women emotional but it can be physically experienced as well. This makes sense because men tend to push emotions to the side and not deal with emotion as it comes up. Men are usually given the messages that they need to be strong, don't cry, and don't feel. Men have not really been taught to experience their emotions and therefore tend to run away and avoid, therefore, taking longer to move forward after the loss of a relationship. Men typically don't reach out to their support systems or peers the way women do, and women embrace their emotions and typically take the time to cry, feel, and then move on and men suppress their emotions, don't talk about it, turn to drinking more or to another female for sex to make them feel better, and they don't embrace the process of grief. The danger in how men deal with the loss of relationships and emotions becomes unhealthy in many ways because they either become so fearful of getting into another relationship, or they have huge walls up so they never feel connected or close to themselves or others, they haven't dealt with their feelings and therefore they bring that 'baggage' into another relationship and is highly triggered by things not relating to the current relationship or they move on by having "casual sex" with multiple partners that leave them feeling unsatisfied and they will never be able to feel ever quite ready for another relationship unless they deal with these 5 areas in their lives.
Self-Esteem - After a relationship ends men are the ones that feel the lowest self-esteem usually and this is because they don't seek out support with their peers. Men also tend to feel most like a failure for the loss because of the pressures that society has put on them and the whole 'toxic masculinity'. I for one know that after interviews that I had with a group of men for a book I was writing, I came to a conclusion that most men could not answer what it meant for them to be a man, or even what healthy masculinity was.
I don't believe we as a society talk about this enough in communities, so the wounded male runs off to the cave, so to speak, to hide and his feelings and emotions don't get talked about and ways to deal with the heartbreak, never gets looked at or modelled. So, how can men begin to gain self-esteem back? First off, by teaching men how to experience their emotions, their pain in a healthy, supported way so that they can gain an understanding of the situation, of their role in the ending of the relationship, and to have clarity on moving forward.
Life's Purpose(Mission statement) - Because of the lack of support and communication around the topic of loss, men push emotions down and then don't get to look at and assess what may have happened in the relationship and what they can do to improve on themselves, a process that women can go through as they have the support of their peers and friends for this. I often like to use the "Mission Statement" with men because I believe it gives them new insight, a new mindset, goals and forces them to look 'beyond' to what they commit to now and going forward. I believe it brings new hope, enthusiasm, insight and vison and that helps with the low self-esteem piece and the healing in order to move forward piece, which often takes some men literally years to heal from.
Relationship Vision - Because men tend to push their emotions aside, it is easy for men to become closed off and therefore not feeling or assessing what their vison is for relationships. During the period after a relationship ends for a woman, she more often than not, looks at what it is that she wants in her life in terms of a relationship and a partner. When a man is able to sit with what he is feeling, and looks at what his needs are longer-term he can become clearer on a 'vision' for relationships for self, family and partner, he will be better able to move forward with clarity with hopes and dreams building a new relationship in the future.
Life Force/Health - Having 'life force' is having a strong connection to oneself with awareness to self gives men access to joy, to pleasure and therefore more passion in wanting to move forward and the ability and consciousness to be able to be happy as a single person and not need to 'jump' aimlessly into another relationship that they may not be ready for. When a man doesn't hold in anger or repress hurt and pain, then that energy will not manifest into bitterness, or physical ailments and he will be in a position for receiving love and to give love and therefore have a more fulfilling life. Also, exercising helps to relieve anxiety and stress and the body releases 'feel good' chemicals into the body which is an important element to help after the loss of a relationship.
Routine and structure in the home - I think this element is really important and even though it comes at the last of the list here, doesn't mean it's not an important piece. You have all heard the saying "The outside always reflects what is happening on the inside" right? Being depressed or in denial about the ending of a relationship will always present itself in the home space no matter how much you try to hide it in the inside. So, the first thing you must do is clean up your space! Throw out the containers and garbage and empty beer bottles and wash the dishes in the sink. Clear out your space! Open the blinds and let the sunshine in so that you feel there is space in your home. Then get yourself into a steady routine because we all have heard before of routine being crucial for entrepreneurs and leaders. For one, setting a routine for yourself will get you out of a long spiral of downward motion after heartbreak. Waking up early, going to the gym, for a walk or running on the treadmill or better yet, walking the dog first thing in the morning gets you out, out of the house, out of your head, out of misery! Your mind will be more productive and able to focus on the day and the tasks that need to be done instead of falling into depression or anger at why your relationship ended. So, cleaning out your space, your home, your fridge, your mind and setting daily goals, tasks, and routines that you can commit to, move through so that at the end of the day, you feel good, your home is clean, you have food in the fridge and you empower yourself to cook, clean and look after you. This is going to catapult you forward after a painful relationship.
Yes, there is so much more after these five steps, but, for now, focus on 5 steps that can help move you forward. Then, seek out friends, meetup groups, peers that you can be around that will support you, talk to a coach or counsellor to work through triggers, emotions and trauma so that you can heal, and open up to love and a relationship once again. Joanne Hughes is a Men's Breakthrough Coach helping you to break through limiting beliefs that hold you back from reaching peak potential.
Joanne Hughes, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Joanne Hughes has over 20 years of experience in strategic intervention, divorce prevention, relationship coaching, and trauma work. As a best-selling author, R.C.M.P Victim Services Advocate, and trauma survivor, she has firmly positioned herself in the field of grief and trauma counseling. Joanne currently focuses on Men’s breakthrough coaching. She has made it her mission to help men work through their particular set of challenges and to help them ‘find their way home’ by reconnecting to their power, their mission, and positive spiritual side in order to create more room for compassion towards themselves and the people in their lives.
