Written by Anna Darlington, Lifestyle & Mindset Coach
Anna is a certified coach and NLP practitioner. She’s an accredited HR professional and founder of The Happy Mum Project. Following a successful career that led Anna to head up the Learning & Development function at a large, global company, she set up her own coaching practice, which is committed to helping mothers achieve career-family-balance.
“You just can’t get anything right!” The little voice in my head was getting louder with each day. When I returned to work after I had my first child, I was totally overwhelmed! For me, being a mum with a career meant I had to make sure I kept all plates spinning at all times. But I soon realised that wasn’t really possible. I was unable to be present with my children and meet their needs because I was thinking about work, and I was unable to fully focus on my work because I was thinking about my kids.
I felt guilty as if I was letting everyone down! And there was that voice again: “Hello, I’m Mum-Guilt, and you are not good enough!”
The guilt mothers feel originates from the fact that our actions will determine the well-being and development of our children. So, not doing certain things can indeed have a very negative impact on them. But unlike animals, where the female is often the only one responsible for ensuring her offspring’s survival, we have evolved to live in much more complex family dynamics, where we share parenting activities with our partners, relatives, and/or the community we live in. Hence, raising children should have become a joint effort.
However, many cultures and societies have established the myth around motherhood that it’s the mother who is the primary caregiver and that, therefore, her children’s needs must come before her own. Being invested in childcare 24/7 is the standard to meet but is by far the most unrealistic.
In addition to this, though, we also live in a time where fathers have become more hands-on, where women go back to work and follow careers. Doesn’t that mean we have every right to hand over to someone else so we can take care of our own needs? I came to realise that the change must start within me in order to free myself from guilt and shame over the fact that I couldn’t do everything to the highest standard.
5 things that can help every mother to decrease her mum-guilt
1. There is not just one way to be a good mum
Having to deal with all the expectations, societal norms, and standards that are out there concerning motherhood and parenting is insane! We are all uniquely beautiful, we all have things we’re good at, things we enjoy and things we’d rather not do, and the same is true of our children.
The key is not to do everything that is prescribed to us to be a “successful” parent but rather find the things you and your children truly enjoy doing together. This creates authentic quality time and is so much more valuable.
2. Doing what we love makes us happier and better mums
Have you found yourself in moments where you simply couldn’t enjoy your family time? Chances are, you’re not giving enough time to the things that you enjoy doing just for yourself. Or you are not allowing yourself to enjoy them when you’re doing them (because you feel guilty!).
If you worked hard for your career before kids because it’s part of who you are, you might still have that same desire after your babies are born. Embrace that joy and fulfilment you find in your job!
If you have a hobby that brings you joy and increases your endorphins, make sure you make time for it!
These things will make you a happier mum because doing what you enjoy feeds your soul. And when we’re happy, we become better at most things, including parenting.
3. Setting clear boundaries at work and at home to create the space we need
Setting boundaries is key in life! As mothers, we have the tendency to let everyone in, be there, care, and nurture, but at the cost of our own well-being.
Think about what we said before: make time for the things you enjoy doing! This includes communicating clearly to your family which times are dedicated to your work and yourself. You can talk to your children about this openly, and not step into the role of the “bad mummy” who isn’t there at certain times. Firstly, you’re not a bad mum! And secondly, you are being a great role model to them by teaching them the importance of looking after yourself!
Also, clearly communicate to your employer at what times you work and when you are unavailable (if you’re your own boss, then have that conversation with yourself!)
I know firsthand that it can be extremely hard to tell work you’re not available at certain times. But if you keep showing up as you set out, your co-workers will appreciate and respect you as the reliable and well-performing person you are.
4. Delegating tasks around the family life and home
You need to outsource things. I don’t just mean get a cleaner (although that can be a great investment). Divide household management and life admin between you and your partner if you have one. You don’t have to carry the full mental load yourself. As mothers, we have the tendency to be the gatekeepers of everything related to our families. We’re so worried it will expose us as a bad mum if we don’t make sure everything is perfect (which we deep down know doesn’t exist). This comes back to the first point: there are many ways to be a good mum! So let others do some of the work.
5. Asking for help and accepting it
Even with lots of planning and outsourcing, you might experience a phase that is tougher than usual, e.g., a higher workload or children going through difficult development. Life just happens – don’t be afraid to ask for help!
Ask your partner, friends, and family. They are there to help you even if you can’t return the favor right now; they know you will when you’re able to.
Then, the key to this is to accept the help. Don’t make the problem or situation smaller by still doing most of the task. Really, fully and completely let someone help you.
By adopting these 5 changes, I allowed myself to be kinder and more loving towards myself. It took pressure off me and released my guilt.
Freeing yourself of mum guilt is not just about breaking free from social norms or demonstrating your individuality. It’s not a luxury, and it is essential to your mental and physical health! Guilt causes us to experience stress and stress is unhealthy, we know that.
So, becoming a more confident and liberated version of yourself will not just give you more peace and joy, it will contribute to your overall wellbeing, as well as your family’s and the people around you.
Let’s rid you of that guilt! You can sign up for my free newsletter and regular mum encouragement here.
Anna Darlington. Lifestyle & Mindset Coach
Anna Darlington is an expert in enabling people to develop and progress. She has many years of experience in creating conditions for personal and professional growth. During her time heading up the Learning & Development function at a large, global organization, she met countless women who faced the same challenges of juggling motherhood and career that she did. The feeling of having to choose between family and career seemed unjust and Anna’s passion for female leadership empowerment led her to found The Happy Mum Project, which supports mothers to create a career-family-balance that enables them to follow their professional aspirations and find fulfilment in motherhood.
