Written by: Nicole Posner, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Anything can trigger an emotive reaction in a meeting.
An incendiary remark. An accusation. A clash of personalities. A difference of opinions. A misunderstanding. Raised voices. Finger-pointing.
In the Board Room or any high-stakes situation, the way we manage our response is critical to the outcome of the conversation. Otherwise, we may find ourselves caught in a diatribe of destructive dialogue with nothing to show except wounded egos and little in the way of constructive conclusions.
We would be wise to see the situation from another perspective, but often all we see is red!
So how do you course correct to encourage more listening and less challenging when you have been triggered? When you’re itching to get your point heard above the white noise. How do you diffuse the tension and bring back decorum and purpose to the conversation?
1. Acknowledge The Conversation Is Not Constructive
As hard as this may be to do when you’re in the thick of it, recognizing that the dialogue is unhelpful and unproductive is a crucial place to start. The conversation may easily spiral out of control, which means the purpose or focus will be lost, and more often than not, the point of contention feels like a personal attack.
Pause. Put your foot on the brake and take a few moments to cool down, reflect and question what’s actually going on.
Why were you triggered? What’s driving your reaction? It may feel personal but is it really? What’s important about the remarks or comments that frustrated you or your colleagues?
Once you are aware of these points, you have a choice of how you process this information and how to change the direction of the conversation.
2. The Approach
These precious few minutes serve two purposes; they will not only have given you breathing space to all calm down but also time to explore a more helpful way forward. Much like a pilot navigates a plane’s strategic and cautious approach to land, you should adopt the same thoughtful and sensitive approach to your next steps.
Otherwise, as the plane will inevitably crash and burn, so will the remains of your conversation!
Remember, it’s not just what you say but how you present your response and information. For example, bounding back into the meeting like a bull in a china shop, fighting fire with fire, and an attitude to match, probably won’t encourage others to graciously welcome your ideas and opinions.
Matching tone and raised volume of others won’t give your point’s air time either. It is far more effective and powerful to approach the conversation calmly, quietly, and with composure.
3. What Do You Want to Achieve From the Conversation?
Although you may feel as if you are in the midst of a battleground, you’re in a Board Room. Play nice. Your collective purpose may be to find a solution, birth a new project, brainstorm ideas, agree on processes, strategize, plan, forecast, create, analyze. This isn’t about you. It isn’t personal.
Refocus on your goals and gently but candidly bring the conversation back to what you all ideally want to achieve from the meeting. And if this isn’t clear, do a quick sanity check that you are on the same page.
Remember, it is not always about winning or losing, the right way or the wrong way. There might be several ways to achieve ‘success’ in the eyes of all your colleagues. Understanding everyone’s perspectives will help to reign the conversation back on track.
If you don’t agree with a suggestion, instead of dismissing it, open it up for exploration by asking questions and seeking further clarity. For example, ask your colleague and others in the meeting to expand on or improve an idea which is a much healthier and more creative approach to encourage collaboration and ‘buy-in’ to ideas. If someone feels invested in the process, they will be far more committed to it.
This process is also a less contentious strategy if the idea is eventually discarded as the person who raised it, won’t take it as a personal rejection.
4. The Power of Listening
Do not underestimate the power of listening. It really is a superpower and not only allows others to feel heard and recognized, but it also brings calm, clarity, understanding, perspective, and presence.
You’re not backing down, giving in, or agreeing, which is what people often believe. Nor is it a weakness to sit quietly and listen. In fact, it is a strength. Some of the most powerful leaders do this so well.
While you may be extremely frustrated that others are not listening to you, the best way to change that is to listen to them first and then repeat it back, which confirms you have understood them! Accepted, it is a big ask, particularly if you are incensed by other’s behaviors. However, something very interesting happens in those few moments. Let me explain.
In a heated discussion, everyone is fighting to communicate their point yet unwilling to tune in to colleague’s opinions. A great analogy is a radio transmitting information out but not being able to receive it back. The same is true here.
Once someone feels heard and acknowledged, that competitive, fiery streak in them begins to ebb. The barriers drop, and they become more open and willing to listen to you.
As Stephen Covey said: “Seek first to understand, then seek to be understood.”
This will improve the chances of dissipating tension, restoring calm, and an opportunity to resume a two-way (or more) dialogue rather than a one-way rant and monologue.
So as we Brits would say… ‘Give others a jolly good listening to!’
While it might not always be possible for everyone to achieve what they hoped for, the key is maintaining respectful dialogue and behaviors which will encourage collaboration, salvage fractured relationships and inspire breakthrough conversations.
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Nicole Posner, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Nicole is a Communication and Conflict Expert, supporting leaders, business owners, and high-performing teams to communicate and navigate difficult conversations with confidence, courage, and compassion. She is a Consultant, Executive Conflict Coach, accredited Workplace Mediator, and Trainer and has an interest in the psychology of conflict combined with extensive experience in PR and Communications. Her clients include CEOs, Leaders, Senior Executives, and their teams across multiple sectors.
Nicole is the author of many published articles on communication and workplace conflict in the following publications: Thrive Global, SME Magazine, and HR Magazine. She was featured in COACH Magazine in 2020 and is a regular podcast guest and contributor to local radio shows discussing conflict and communication issues in the workplace. Last year she was a shortlisted finalist in the UK National Mediation Awards 2020.
