Written by: Monique M. Gomez, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Throughout my career in mental health counseling and doing my self-work I’ve created 4 stage solutions to build self-trust. Practicing these tools when you are stuck, scared, angry, or alone can support building self-trust. The transformation of using these skills will stop you from questioning yourself and gain confidence and self-worth. These solutions are especially for you if, like me, grew up in a fearful environment, were abandoned in childhood, or experienced lots of heartache and loss.
Things to Know
There are four main concepts to keep in mind while reading and practicing these tools. Firstly these tools are not linear. You cannot do them in this sequence only once and get all that you need. These are tools for a lifelong set of situations and fearful experiences that may arise.
Some of these you may utilize way more in the beginning. Secondly, there is no timetable of “completed” wholly self-trust. Meaning like the seasons of nature and the timeline of human development, we change and will continually need these skills. Thirdly, some knowledge of our Sympathetic Nervous System, or SNS is needed. We all have many parts of our Nervous System the SNS is a threat response system. This threat response is activated with real threat experiences or “fake” threat perceptions. All of these automatic biological responses from the SNS are normal human reactions. Lastly, I’ve found these skills to be crucial for working through avoidance which is the most common reaction of SNS (flight and at times freeze response).
Forgiveness
While I am not describing forgiveness as a “need to,” especially for those who have severely harmed you– it is always supportive to forgive ourselves. Go forgive yourself for whatever it is, and remember that humans act instinctually out of survival and preservation of self.
Remember, you are resourceful, not manipulative. Forgiving yourself and eventually, parts of the other person(s)is an excellent place to start to make room to trust your instincts to rely on your heart and not an overactive (fear response) nervous system.
Reframe to Positive Truths
Reframing to positive truths is the baseline for working with the mindset and limiting beliefs. We want to stick to full truths, not opinions or beliefs. Old pattern beliefs can mess us up badly. Here is where I say to seek help from friends, family, trusted mentors, coaches, or a licensed therapist to support the collection of the facts. The key to real change is consistently reframing the promotion of the truth. Our brain constantly wants to trip us up, so maintaining the truth in your phone, reminders, or posts where you can see it is best.
Here is a short example-say I have trouble believing in any positive qualities for myself. I create a mantra of Positive Truths to speak every day. “I am kind, resourceful, and determined.” This reframing can be used in a mantra or daily practice like journal writing or routine thoughts.
Trying Scary Things
Trying things that will activate your fear response(SNS) will force you to see that there is nothing to fear. Your body will have symptoms like a racing heart, holding breath, or tightening of certain muscles, but this is a normal biological reaction. These responses are a signal that you can do hard things. Here is where Regulation skills support this step. It is best to use this step with a friend or mentor, coach, or licensed therapist. You want to attempt small tasks at first then try the larger fear-intense tasks later on after some confidence has been built. An activity to do with this is to list out tasks or actions that are scary and rate them 1-5, five being the most fear-inducing. Start with actions with a fear rating of 1-3 until you feel confident enough to keep going!
Self-Regulation
Self-Regulation is using your body to calm on its own. We can do this with our breath, body, and mindset tools like the reframing mentioned earlier. The simplest is breathwork. There are two breaths that I teach most often to support self-regulation; in for 4, out for 7, or the Box breathing method. The box breathing can be used with visualization as you inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4 and hold for 4. The 4-7 breath is my favorite and the exhale lasting longer than the inhale is the ultimate approach to let your body calm your nervous brain. These breathing techniques work best when repeated 3-5 times.
After time and practice, you will be confident with enough self-trust to gain (or regain) control and passion for your life. You will see fear as an opportunity to regulate and move through avoidance into action.
Monique M. Gomez, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Monique Gomez is an expert in trauma, generational patterns and the body-mind connection. Since the death of her father from an overdose at a young age, she has had an interest in the human experience and psychology. Which led her down the path of bodywork and a career history of mental health counseling and grief support work. She describes herself as an advocate for discussing the hard parts of life. She helps others who have experienced stress or trauma work with their nervous system for growth. Her Building Resilience Coaching Program incorporates the physical and energetic body to work with the nervous system towards healing.
